Better Sex

Epizode

• 
  Ep. 418: [Soapbox] Don’t Accept Sex Your Partner Doesn’t Want 18.09.2026 7min

  Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman addresses “sex that’s not worth having,” focusing on situations where a lower-desire partner begrudgingly offers sex with clear disinterest, disconnect, or even hostility. She distinguishes this from reactive desire, where someone starts with openness to getting in the mood. Zimmerman explains that going through the motions is unfulfilling for both partners, can push the lower-desire partner further from desire, and reinforces the belief that the higher-desire partner only wants release. She recommends turning down or stopping sex when it feels like work, trudging, or checking out, and communicating in a grounded, collaborative way that sex needs to work for both people. The goal is to insist on conversations and change that help both partners find reasons to genuinely want intimacy.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Sex Not Worth Having01:21 Reactive Desire Vs Duty Sex02:12 When Sex Feels Hostile03:52 Why Accepting Hurts Both04:51 How To Say No Kindly05:40 Insist On Mutual Pleasure06:10 Outro And Next StepsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 417: Early Ejaculation is a Shame Pattern 14.09.2026 47min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.00:00 Show Intro and Guest01:20 Michelle Origin Story03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From10:58 Unshaming Through the Body14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath25:14 Safety and Context26:54 Partner Involvement28:45 Communication Over Timing30:04 Evidence Based Tools31:19 Mindfulness and Practice33:46 Solo Training Methods35:41 Couples Sensate Focus37:29 Presence Not Distraction39:24 Shame Is Universal40:20 Book Launch and Resources44:30 Website and Tools45:59 Closing and CreditsAll of Jessa's resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 416: Negotiating Kinks, Fetishes, and Monogamy 07.09.2026 41min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Sara Perry, a sexological body worker and somatic sex educator, about helping people connect with their bodies, pleasure, and desires and then communicate and negotiate those desires with partners. Sara shares her path from studying psychology of sexuality to critical theory and somatic sex education, and describes how small choices about comfort, environment, and consent can support healing and pleasure. They discuss the Wheel of Consent, focusing on sensation, asking for what you want, and using “yes, and/yes, but” negotiation rather than shutting down with a simple no. Using examples like cuckolding and other fetishes, Sara emphasizes pacing, avoiding pressure and fatigue, separating fantasy from real-life intent, and building safety over time. They also cover non-monogamy, jealousy and compersion, the need for ongoing conversation and support groups, and Sara’s nonprofit Box of Life and her Haven Space Coaching practice.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Sarah Perry01:27 Sarah’s Origin Story04:11 Sexuality Can Heal05:55 Somatic Pleasure Practice08:36 Desire In Relationship09:23 Wheel of Consent Basics10:55 Ask For What You Want13:27 When Desires Clash14:56 Cuckolding Example16:50 Sponsor Break17:18 How To Bring It Up17:50 Somatic Setup For Talks19:35 Fantasy Talk Strategies21:22 Receiving Kink Confessions21:51 Curiosity Over Shame22:38 Fruit Fetish Example23:47 Yes But Negotiations25:48 Roleplay Versus Reality26:50 Cuckolding Roadmap28:58 Fetish Fatigue Cycles30:45 Non Monogamy Option33:06 Jealousy And Compersion35:13 Support Groups And Boundaries36:07 Keep The Conversation Alive37:19 Box Of Life Charity39:25 Where To Find Them40:26 Podcast Closing Creditsboxoflife.orghavenspacecoaching.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 415: Poly Parenting: Age-Appropriate Disclosure, Boundaries, and Introducing Partners 31.08.2026 36min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes back Candace Sjogren, author of "Polyagony," to discuss how parents can navigate consensual non-monogamy with children. They emphasize that many parents don’t plan for integrating relationship structure with parenting, especially when opening a relationship after having kids, and that conversations must be age-appropriate, focused on safety, love, and belonging—not sex. Sjogren describes “slow roll” disclosure (different families, dates, “special friends,” then partners), highlights risks when children discover things via technology or accidental exposure, and recommends poly-informed therapy and child-centered approaches like play-based talks, giving kids agency over privacy and introductions, and reinforcing special one-on-one time. They also cover introducing partners, cohabitation (roommate framing, separate space), agreements about roles, and recovery after mistakes, with the key takeaway to move slowly and be discerning about what children need to know.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Why Poly Parenting Matters03:50 Most Parents Don’t Plan05:35 Age Appropriate Disclosure09:48 Out or Keep It Private11:43 Telling Teens After Opening Up13:58 Helping Kids Process15:54 Kids’ Privacy and Boundaries18:05 Agency and Parent First19:29 Giving Kids Control20:40 Special Time and Jealousy22:08 Introducing Partners Gently25:53 Moving In and Boundaries27:24 Parenting Roles and Agreements30:26 Real World Mistakes33:07 Key Takeaways and ResourcesWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 414: [Soapbox] When She Wants More Sex: Desire Discrepancy in Hetero Couples 28.08.2026 7min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman returns with a soapbox episode on desire discrepancy, focusing on heterosexual relationships where the woman is the higher desire partner. She explains that mismatched desire is normal and common, and that gender doesn’t determine who wants more sex; in her practice, one-third to one-half of hetero couples have a higher desire woman. Because this dynamic conflicts with cultural myths that men always want sex, both partners can feel extra broken: men may feel ashamed, pressured, and avoid sex, while women may doubt their attractiveness, resent having to initiate, or even worry their partner is gay. Zimmerman says the solutions are the same: identify obstacles (including myths), understand reactive desire in men, reduce pass/fail pressure, and learn how to access arousal and desire.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Episode Setup01:01 Desire Discrepancy Basics01:33 Gender Myths and Reality02:23 Why Couples Feel Broken03:00 Pressure on Low Desire Men04:03 High Desire Women Doubts04:46 When She Wonders He's Gay05:28 What Actually Helps05:38 Understanding Reactive Desire05:44 Lowering Pressure and Finding Turn On06:27 Closing and Where to Find MoreWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 413: Stigma, Shame, and Sex: How Culture, Religion, Family, and Media Shape Desire 24.08.2026 41min

  Host Jessa Zimmerman interviews New York City sex therapist and trainer Sari Cooper about how sexual stigma and shame are shaped by culture, religion, family dynamics, and implicit messages like silence or lack of affection modeling. Cooper shares her background from a liberal upbringing and modern dance into a helping profession where sex felt taboo, and discusses nuanced bicultural and first-generation experiences, including how differing immigration stories within the same culture can affect sexual expectations. They explore how shame can show up in issues like masturbation and orgasm avoidance, and how the internet can both improve access to sex education and distort expectations through porn and social media trends. Cooper describes helping clients evaluate which rituals and beliefs remain meaningful without dismissing heritage, emphasizes taking a thorough sexual history and practicing curiosity in couples work, and explains her Erotic Intimacy Academy training (SEEIT) and the value of SAR-style self-exploration for therapists.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet Sari Cooper01:26 Why Stigma Matters03:56 Culture Religion Messages07:19 Family Silence Modeling10:42 Rituals And First Period13:13 Hidden Shame In Therapy15:31 Internet Porn Social Shifts19:24 Midroll Quiz Break19:50 Gen Z Sex Dating Choices21:29 Parenthood Decisions Trauma22:51 Family Trauma And Genetics23:30 Dating Apps And Disconnection25:01 Avoiding Apps After Burnout25:20 Shame Stigma And Culture28:43 Purity Culture And Loss31:36 Couples Across Cultures34:33 Sex Seam Model And Training35:52 Therapist Comfort And SAR38:04 Where To Find Sari39:35 Podcast Wrap UpJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscepancy.comBio:Sari Cooper is an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist & Supervisor and Founder and Director of the Center for Love and Sex (CLS), a boutique group practice specializing in sex therapy, couples counseling, and individual clients challenged with erotic and sexual disorders. She created Sex Esteem, LLC to provide coaching, books, blogs, and Talks to the public on critical, cutting-edge insight on how to center one’s sexual pleasure in dating, ‘relationshipping,’ and mating. Her Sex Esteem® blog has been read by over 1,000,000 readers, and you can follow her @saricooperofficial on Instagram and FB and on Linkedin: linkedin.com/in/-sari-cooper-center-for-love-and-sex. www.centerforloveandsex.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassThanks for reading Intimacy with Ease! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 412: What couples therapy misses about the body 17.08.2026 37min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Pavini Moray about why somatic approaches are vital in couples and sex therapy, especially when talk therapy leads to over-processing without change. Pavini shares their path from Montessori education to sexological bodywork and how embodiment, intentional attention, and practice support sexual and relational healing. They discuss how working with both partners reveals the relationship dynamic behind issues like sexual aversion, and how disconnection from the body often reflects survival responses to trauma and minimized negative sexual experiences. Pavini emphasizes listening to the body’s “no,” dropping rigid ideas of what sex “should” look like, and using low-stakes, fully clothed experiential exercises (like mindful hand-touch) to rebuild safety and desire. They also describe how queerness supports liberatory redefinition of sexuality and relationships, and they mention resources on contempt and deciding whether to stay or leave.00:00 Show Intro00:54 Meet Bhavani Moray02:09 Why Somatics Works03:13 Her Path Into Couples Work05:09 Embodiment Attention Practice06:52 Why Both Partners Matter09:21 Somatics In Sex Therapy Today12:21 Trauma Disconnection And Healing15:50 Mid Episode Subscribe Break16:29 When Couples Wait Too Long19:43 Seeing Real Change20:06 What Couples Fight About20:46 Healing Over Skills21:38 Inner Child Cowboy Hats23:42 Playful Somatic Experiments24:45 Rewriting Sex Shoulds27:21 Sexual Aversion and Consent29:49 Tiny Touches Big Shifts31:29 Queer Lens for Straight Couples34:53 Resources and FarewellJessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Pavini Moray is a somatic coach, Relational Life Therapy practitioner, and the author of How to Hold Power and the forthcoming Tending the Bones: Reclaiming Pleasure after Transgenerational Sexual Trauma.With a PhD in Somatic Psychology and 30 years of experience working at the intersection of the body, relational patterns, and erotic healing, Pavini helps people move out of adaptive survival strategies and into the embodied, boundaried presence that actually changes how they relate to themselves, to their partners, and to the people they lead.Their work with couples and individuals centers on what it takes to stop performing intimacy and start experiencing it: through the nervous system, through the body, through the slow, sometimes uncomfortable work of becoming genuinely relational.A queer, nonbinary human walking the path of old magick and ridiculous delight, Pavini believes that the erotic is not separate from the political, the spiritual, or the everyday, and that learning to be truly present with the people we love most is where sparkle begins.Here are the landing pages for those resources:https://pavinimoray.kit.com/15e660bcf4https://pavinimoray.kit.com/0f00c33ad3Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 411: The Book of Ecstasy: Finding Joy, Connection, and Transformation Beyond Orgasm 10.08.2026 38min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Barbara Carrellas, author of The Book of Ecstasy, about ecstasy as a transformative state that goes beyond pleasure, sex, and orgasm into connection, awe, and ego-dissolution. Carrellas describes how her work was shaped during the AIDS crisis in 1980s New York, where grief and catharsis often fueled joy, and explains ecstasy as a reset button that can be personally, spiritually, socially, and politically important. They discuss how ecstasy can arise through many experiences (including dancing, food, protest, nature, birth, and death), how intensity can help by balancing safety and risk, and how skills like breath, grounding, and intention support ecstatic states. Carrellas offers beginner practices—listing nonsexual turn-ons, meditating on “something more,” and embracing one’s inner teenager—and shares resources on her website.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Meet Barbara Carrellas01:34 AIDS Crisis Origins03:51 Tragedy and Ecstasy05:21 Awe and Ego Dissolution06:46 Defining Ecstasy08:41 Everyday Ecstatic Life11:48 Joy as Resistance14:21 Ecstasy as Spiritual Practice15:33 Connection Me We Us18:03 Host Resources Break18:41 Ecstasy Not A Contest19:52 Speaking The Same Language21:43 Kink Safety And Risk24:14 Breath Energy Orgasms25:34 Beyond Sex And Politics27:50 Psychedelics And Everyday Ecstasy29:12 Solo Practice With A Partner33:08 Beginner Steps To Ecstasy35:45 Books Resources And FarewellWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Barbara Carrellas (she/her) is the bestselling author of Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century and the upcoming Book of Ecstasy, from St. Martin’s Essentials. Barbara is the founder of Urban Tantra®, an international community, a philosophy, and an inclusive conscious sexuality practice that encourages people of all genders and sexual preferences to expand their capacity for both pleasure and spiritual fulfillment. Barbara was named Best Tantric Sex Seminar Leader in New York City by Time Out/NY Magazine, and was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Sexual Freedom Awards in London. Barbara is a proud graduate of the Coney Island Sideshow School with a double major in fire eating and snake handling.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 410: [Soapbox] Tuesday Is Different Than Thursday: Communicating Pleasure in Sex 06.08.2026 6min

  Jessa argues that each person is responsible for their own sexual pleasure by learning what feels good, what turns them on, and then clearly sharing that information with a partner. She emphasizes that partners aren’t mind readers and don’t have the same instant feedback loop as masturbation, so words, demonstrations, and usable vocabulary are crucial for guiding touch. Sharing preferences should be framed as a gift of information rather than criticism, since most partners want to please and be good lovers. Jessa notes that there is no fixed “recipe” because desire and sensation change over time and even from day to day—“Tuesday is different than Thursday”—making it important to keep speaking up and offering real-time guidance.00:00 Tuesday vs Thursday00:05 Own Your Pleasure01:06 Feedback Not Criticism01:46 Find the Words02:25 Show and Tell Touch02:42 No Fixed Recipe03:03 Speak Up in the MomentWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 409: Reclaiming Desire After 50: Nervous System Regulation, Novelty, and Communication 03.08.2026 32min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Julie Merriman about her book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What?, focused on helping women over 50 reclaim pleasure and desire. Merriman explains that decreased libido is often less about menopause alone and more about decades of high-functioning “survival mode” that dysregulates the nervous system, tightens the body, and takes pleasure offline; hormone support can help but may not be sufficient without addressing stress, numbness, and disconnection from the body. They discuss midlife as a “homecoming” with clearer boundaries, the effects of long-term relationships, obligatory sex, and lack of sexual communication, and the importance of safety, validation, and active listening. Practical approaches include restoring novelty in and out of the bedroom, taking intercourse off the table temporarily, pleasure mapping, addressing body shame, and managing menopausal changes like dryness with movement and vaginal products. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex01:01 Meet Julie Merriman02:51 Why Midlife Changes Hit03:24 Survival Mode Nervous System05:31 Hormones and Zero Fucks07:40 Desire vs Access to Desire09:40 Functional Freeze and Pleasure11:41 Long Term Sex Ruts13:00 Talking About Sex Again14:34 Responsive Desire Explained15:33 Safety in the Body17:13 Desire Discrepancy Resources17:39 Communication First19:39 Novelty as Adventure20:47 No Pressure Sex21:13 Pleasure Mapping Reset21:53 Aging Body Conversations23:06 Body Acceptance Practices24:56 Gratitude and Tantra26:47 Menopause Comfort Tools29:26 Book and Where to Find30:44 Final Wrap UpJessa's Desire Discrepancy resources are at: https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: Dr. Julie Merriman is a licensed mental health clinician, counselor educator, burnout researcher, author and speaker. As the founder of the Soul Joy™ brand, she serves as a premier authority for women over 50 navigating the intersection of professional burnout and personal intimacy. With over 30 years of clinical experience and academic leadership—including tenures as a professor, department head, and associate dean—Dr. Merriman has dedicated her career to the science of human helping. Her work is deeply rooted in polyvagal theory and somatic neurobiology, providing a bridge between academic rigor and soul-led transformation. Her personal journey through profound burnout and a subsequent breast cancer diagnosis informs her "scorched earth" approach to healing—proving that rebirth is possible at any age. She is the author of the 12-week guide, In Pursuit of Soul Joy, and the forthcoming book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? (April 13, 2026)https://www.juliemerrimanphd.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask 30.07.2026 7min

  In this Soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores how the common higher-desire/lower-desire framework is helpful but doesn’t always accurately describe what’s happening in a relationship. She outlines two main ways desire can be “masked”: a higher-desire partner may detach from wanting sex after repeated disappointment, becoming resigned and avoiding sex because it’s less painful than hoping; or someone may have desire but avoid sex with their partner due to unresolved relationship issues like conflict, power struggles, resentment, or unspoken complaints. Jessa shares an example where years without sex changed once a partner’s underlying unhappiness was addressed and the relationship “container” improved. She emphasizes using the sexual avoidance cycle to identify obstacles—relationship problems, stress, medical or mental health factors—before assuming low libido.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Soapbox Setup00:56 When Desire Roles Blur02:07 Giving Up on Sex03:20 Relationship Barriers03:56 Client Breakthrough Story04:46 Sexual Avoidance Cycle05:47 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 407: The Science of Pleasure, Trauma & Longevity 27.07.2026 55min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews functional medicine clinician and neurofeedback specialist Dr. Stephanie Rimka about emotional regulation as a biological process involving safety, the vagus nerve, brainwaves, hormones, and co-regulation through relationships. Rimka describes how chronic sympathetic activation undermines metabolic health, longevity, and mitochondrial function, framing trauma as an energy collapse that can lead to anxiety, depression, or dissociation and arguing that biological support can make therapy more effective. She discusses environmental inputs (nature, light, sound, EMF) that affect regulation and mitochondrial health, and connects these ideas to sex by defining “aliveness” as orgasm, emphasizing women’s pleasure as a potent healer that requires safety and embodiment. She contrasts solo versus partnered pleasure via bonding chemistry and shares a case using daily non-performative receiving of pleasure to support a patient’s cancer recovery and marriage, and provides resources at yoursoulbeautiful.com and drrimka.com.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Meet Dr Stephanie Rimka01:32 Her Path Into Healing03:17 Stress Mothers and Intimacy05:34 What Emotional Regulation Means08:34 Safety Before Regulation10:42 Co Regulation and Botox12:56 Why Parasympathetic Matters17:04 Vagus Nerve Basics19:17 When Regulation Becomes Avoidance20:24 Sympathetic Overdrive Costs22:06 Mitochondria and Trauma26:32 Light EMF and Lifestyle28:56 Defining Trauma States29:36 Westernization and Mental Health30:05 Anxiety Trough Explained31:06 Panic and Mitochondria32:34 Freeze Response and Depression35:11 Dissociation and Healing Path35:46 Therapy Needs Energy First38:19 Sex as Embodiment Tool39:01 Aliveness and Orgasm Scale41:30 Pleasure Chemistry and Safety44:46 Partnered Sex and Bonding46:25 Prescribing Pleasure for Recovery51:42 Resources and Closing ThanksJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Stephanie Rimka is a clinician, author, and expert in nervous system regulation, trauma healing, hormonal health, and mitochondrial function. With over 25 years of experience, she has helped individuals recover from burnout, chronic stress, and emotional overwhelm through science-backed approaches. Dr. Rimka teaches how to rebuild mental resilience and emotional clarity, emphasizing the importance of the mind-body connection in achieving long-term health, vitality, and success.www.yoursoulbeautiful.comwww.drrimka.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 406: Gender, Loneliness, and Reconnection 20.07.2026 1h 3min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Anthony Silard back to discuss research-based, average gender differences in relationships, community-building, and loneliness. Silard explains how women tend to have more robust “social convoys” than men, contributing to outcomes like higher male mortality after a spouse’s death, and describes stress responses such as “tend and befriend.” He outlines severe psychological and physical impacts of loneliness, cites rising loneliness rates across countries, and links male loneliness to shifting roles, work focus, and the “four PRs” (procreate, produce, provide, protect). Silard presents three unmet needs that drive loneliness—belonging, connection, and contribution—and offers practical reconnection strategies, including talking to strangers and the “one question rule” focused on feelings, plus compassionate communication to identify unmet needs in relationships.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Episode Setup01:33 Gender Research Caveats03:07 Widowhood and Social Convoys06:15 Mens Group vs Womens Network08:11 Tend and Befriend Stress Response10:50 Loneliness Harms and Health Costs14:46 Loneliness Crisis Worldwide17:34 Mens Roles and Four PRs19:44 Parenthood and the Work Gap23:09 Why Men Get Isolated25:13 Three Needs Behind Loneliness26:19 Belonging vs Connection Examples29:49 Contribution and Workplace Loneliness31:08 Sponsor Break and Relationship Pivot32:10 Lonely In Marriage32:37 Four PRs Mindset34:46 Screens And Male Isolation36:23 Midlife Identity Shifts37:08 Talk To Strangers38:47 Empathy Gap Hack42:54 Belong Connect Contribute44:24 One Question Rule48:43 Feeling On Your Feet57:24 Needs Based Communication01:00:05 Books And Resources01:02:16 Podcast Wrap UpWork with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross. Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley. He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 405: The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction 13.07.2026 31min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Johns Hopkins urologic surgeon and researcher Dr. Arthur Burnett about erectile dysfunction from a holistic biopsychosocial perspective. Burnett explains how erections work as a vascular function regulated by the nervous system, and how physical factors like hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and nerve or hormone issues can interfere. They discuss how stress and performance anxiety can biologically affect erections via adrenaline, and how oral medications like Viagra and Cialis work by reducing a “brake” in the erection pathway, though effectiveness can change as overall health changes. Burnett emphasizes thorough assessment beyond quick prescriptions, including counseling when appropriate, and reviews a treatment ladder from lifestyle changes to oral meds, vacuum devices, penile injections, and penile implants, noting implants typically preserve sensation and can reduce anxiety when expectations are realistic.00:00 Show Introduction00:43 Meet Dr Arthur Burnett01:43 Why Study Erectile Dysfunction03:30 How Erections Work05:43 Physical Causes of ED06:56 Nerves Orgasm and Erection08:03 Holistic Assessment Approach10:56 Stress Anxiety and Viagra13:07 Mid Episode Substack Break13:47 When Therapy Helps15:12 Lifestyle Changes That Improve ED17:42 When to Use Medical Treatments18:55 When Pills Stop Working20:08 Second Line Treatment Options22:44 Considering Penile Implants24:09 Implant Sensation and Expectations26:52 Choosing the Right Urologist28:54 Where to Find Dr Burnett30:14 Closing and CreditsVisit Jessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, Viagra Pioneer and educator whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 404: [Soapbox] HRT is not Primarily About Libido 09.07.2026 7min

  In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman clarifies a common misconception that hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is mainly meant to increase libido. Drawing from two recent conversations—one with a post-menopausal client experiencing painful sex and resisting HRT as a “fix,” and another with a man wondering why his wife’s HRT didn’t dramatically raise desire—she explains that libido changes can happen but are more like an added bonus. Zimmerman emphasizes HRT’s broader purposes, including relief of menopause symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, sleep issues), easing vaginal dryness/atrophy and pain, helping prevent UTIs via vaginal estrogen, improving brain fog and mood, and supporting longer-term health such as bone and heart health, diabetes prevention, muscle preservation, and potentially reduced cancer risk.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup01:05 HRT Libido Misconception01:17 Client Story Pain and Menopause02:33 Partner Expectations About HRT03:18 HRT Benefits Beyond Sex03:29 Menopause Symptom Relief03:53 UTIs and Vaginal Estrogen04:23 Brain Fog Mood and Health05:01 Bigger Picture and Next Steps05:50 Outro and Listener Support06:38 Credits and GoodbyeWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 403: Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy for Intimacy and Sex 06.07.2026 34min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews therapist Hannah Buzzo about psychedelic-assisted therapy for intimacy and sex, for individuals and couples. Buzzo describes her background in addiction and trauma work (including EMDR), her training in trauma treatment with psychedelics, and how psychedelic work can make it easier to address taboo topics like sexuality and soften defenses in a safe, compassionate way. She contrasts this with limits of talk therapy, citing biological effects such as decreased default mode network activation and the nervous-system sense of safety that can enable corrective experiences for trauma and attachment wounds. Buzzo explains safety practices including extensive preparation and integration sessions, emphasizes it’s not for everyone (noting bipolar/psychosis risks and lack of support systems), and outlines common formats and medicines used in Colorado (primarily ketamine and sometimes psilocybin), including retreat-based intensives with medical screening and onsite medical support. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:47 Meet Hannah Buzzo02:22 Why Psychedelics for Intimacy07:44 Beyond Talk Therapy10:33 Safety Preparation Integration15:06 Who It’s For16:35 Medicines and Process19:11 Inside a Couples Session23:37 Retreat Format Explained26:29 Medical Oversight and Risks28:29 Legality and Future32:09 Contact and Wrap UpInterested in psychedelics as it pertains to couples work? Learn more at https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comGuest Bio:Hannah Buzzo is the Founder and Clinical Director of Alchemy Therapy & Wellness and the first therapist to bring psychedelic-assisted therapy to Summit County, CO. A pioneer in the field, she challenges traditional talk therapy with bottom-up, experiential approaches that target the subconscious and nervous system. Her work supports individuals and couples heal trauma, deepen intimacy, and restore connection through the integration of mind, body, and spirit.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 402: [Soapbox] Good Faith Communication vs Gaslighting 02.07.2026 11min

  In this soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why effective communication requires holding our “reality” loosely, since perception is filtered and interpreted by the brain, and partners often experience the same event differently. She describes a process of sharing each person’s story to feel seen, take accountability, and problem-solve—while emphasizing it only works when both partners communicate in good faith and “cop to” harmful intent when it exists. Zimmerman outlines signs of good-faith engagement: openness to feedback, curiosity about your perspective, empathy, accountability and apologies, and willingness to change behavior. She contrasts this with gaslighting and bad-faith conflict behaviors like insisting they’re right, dismissing or belittling your experience, blaming you, and refusing self-questioning or change. She also applies these ideas to microaggressions, noting the need for openness and behavior change even when bias is unintentional.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Soapbox Topic Setup01:26 Why Perception Misleads02:44 Holding Reality Loosely03:45 Good Faith Requirement04:53 Signs of Good Faith06:25 Gaslighting Red Flags08:25 Microaggressions Nuance09:48 Wrap Up and OutroWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassListen on AppleIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 401: Signs You May Be Headed For Divorce 29.06.2026 31min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews therapist and divorce support group leader Oona Metz about how emotional and sexual disconnection often contributes to divorce, drawing on Metz’s 15 years of work with hundreds of women and her book Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. They discuss common drivers of divorce (abuse, affairs, addiction), plus inequality in parenting/household labor, partner passivity, and later-life coming out, and highlight early warning signs like intimacy fading after children, conversations becoming logistics-only, relationships turning “too hot” with constant conflict or “too cold” with shutdown, mounting resentment, and a partner devoting all free time to a hobby. They cover why women initiate most divorces, the shame and practical barriers around leaving, and post-divorce growth through self-reflection, avoiding rebound relationships, clarifying needs, and examining family-of-origin patterns, emphasizing that staying in toxic marriages can harm children’s view of love.00:00 Show Intro00:48 Meet Oona Metz02:41 Why Marriages End05:12 Kids and Connection Drift07:22 Hot vs Cold Marriages09:50 Disengagement Warning Signs11:10 Hobbies as Escape Hatch14:24 Midroll and Ways to Work14:52 Why Women Initiate Divorce17:00 Stigma Kids and Culture18:03 Healing After Divorce20:56 Dating Yourself First23:43 What Could Save It26:58 For the Kids and Closing28:47 Where to Find Oona29:53 Podcast OutroInterested in working with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Oona Metz is a nationally recognized psychotherapist and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women (Gallery Books / Simon & Schuster), which debuted to remarkable acclaim. Her work—spanning more than 30 years—focuses on the tender, complicated realities of heartbreak, self-abandonment, and starting over. Unhitched was praised on CBS Mornings by Gayle King, featured in Maria Shriver’s newsletter, excerpted exclusively in TIME, and spotlighted on CBS News and NPR’s Morning Edition. The book quickly became a top divorce title on Amazon. Oona is known for her wise, grounded, deeply human approach that blends clinical expertise with relatable storytelling, making her a powerful voice on modern relationships, emotional recovery, boundaries, and the psychology of change. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 400: [Soapbox] Care and Curiosity: The Foundation for Understanding Your Partner 25.06.2026 7min

  In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman argues that a basic foundation of relationships is caring about a partner’s wellbeing and taking their unhappiness seriously, even without agreeing with their interpretation. She explains how the brain filters and assigns meaning to events, so two partners can experience the same situation differently, making “right vs. wrong” arguments unproductive. Instead, she recommends learning to “climb into each other’s movies” to understand one another’s perspective. Zimmerman highlights three essentials for productive communication: awareness that one’s own interpretation isn’t inherently true, genuine care that a partner is struggling, and curiosity about how they arrived at their meaning. She notes this must be mutual, and that it’s a significant problem when a partner shows no care, openness, or curiosity about the other’s experience.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Soapbox Return01:01 Why Caring Matters01:27 Brains Tell Stories02:49 Climb Into Movies03:11 Three Key Skills03:36 Care And Curiosity04:41 When Partners Dismiss05:30 Wrap Up And Outro This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
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  Ep. 399: How Couples Can Rebuild Desire 22.06.2026 31min

  Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Courtney Fay Long about common challenges couples face with desire discrepancy, losing spark, and the pressure–rejection cycle. Long shares how prioritizing sex earlier in the day, expanding sex beyond intercourse into connection, and using “all-day foreplay” (texts, appreciation, support) can help, along with resting to relax the nervous system before intimacy. They discuss sex as a form of stress relief and self-care, and emphasize reducing goal-oriented pressure by collaborating on alternatives and honoring limits. Practical tools include a playful desire-box exercise with written requests, intentional “pleasure dates” focused on themes like joy or receiving, self-soothing for the higher-desire partner, and creating a “treasure map” of turn-ons/turn-offs across stages of connection. They also recommend regular appreciation practices and more non-demand touch to rebuild closeness.00:00 Better Sex Intro01:03 Meet Courtney Fay Long01:22 Why Sex Matters02:55 Redefining Sex and Connection03:20 Make Time and Energy04:20 All Day Foreplay Basics06:40 Sex as Stress Relief08:18 Desire Jar Game12:10 Pleasure Dates Plan14:30 Mid Episode Subscribe15:09 Pressure Kills Desire17:15 Self Soothe and Connect19:55 Treasure Map Talk23:04 Touch Starvation and Hormones26:41 What Helps Couples Reconnect29:01 Where to Find Courtney30:07 Podcast OutroJessa's Substack: https://jessazimmerman.substack.com/Bio:Courtney Fae Long is a Sexuality Educator and TEDx speaker with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples build deeper intimacy, confidence, and emotional connection. She holds a Master’s degree in Social Work and specializes in desire discrepancy, helping people understand why “low libido” is often misunderstood.Her TEDx talk on the surprising connection between intimacy, happiness, and success has reached over 800,000 viewers. Courtney is known for her grounded, science-informed approach that makes conversations about intimacy accessible, practical, and free of shame.www.courtneyfaelong.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe