The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

S3| Session 17: Fear of the Goodness: Navigating Peace After Relationship Chaos 23.06.2026 1h 27min

The feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop is universal. When your nervous system is deeply accustomed to chaos, peace can actually feel scary and alarming because it brings up fears of losing what feels so good. As we near the end of our time with Rachel and Mike, they are finally finding real stability. Mike has been stepping up in wonderfully subtle ways, intentionally checking in during a "midweek lull" with a small hand gesture that gave Rachel an immense sense of safety and lightness. However, because they haven't had a major rupture in a while, Rachel is starting to panic. She admits that it is entirely foreign to her not to be sliding into a negative cycle, and she has no idea how to sit and enjoy the goodness. Today, we navigate that new quiet space. We also use their hard-earned stability to unpack one of the heaviest unspoken resentments in their marriage: the fact that Rachel left everything she knew to move into Mike's world, and how painfully alone she has felt in that sacrifice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for Julie's Bi-Weekly Relationship Group: The Secure Love Club Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 16: Too Sensitive? Healing the Belief That You Are Defective 16.06.2026 51min

Have you ever tried to set a boundary or express that you were uncomfortable only to be told that you're just being too sensitive or a stick in the mud? You know, when you hear that enough times, you stop trusting your own gut and start believing that maybe you are the problem. Today we dive deep into that exact wound with Rachel. We trace her deep-seated belief that she's defective back to its roots, exploring heavy memories from a past relationship where she constantly had to be the responsible one while someone else was acting unsafely. She was simply trying to prevent disaster, but instead of being thanked, she was humiliated and told she didn't know how to have fun. When you are left entirely alone with that kind of shame, it builds a thick layer of armor. In this session, we rewrite that script. Watch as Rachel bravely asks Mike for the exact emotional protection she was denied in the past, and witness Mike step up without even flinching to simply sit with her pain. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 15: Two People Overboard: The Co-Regulation Conundrum 09.06.2026 46min

We can do all the heavy lifting in therapy, but sometimes life just throws too much at us at once. Between the holidays, chaotic work schedules, and general exhaustion, Rachel and Mike recently hit a wall, slipping off the tracks into a tough two-week period of disconnection. When catching up on the setback, Rachel shares a powerful analogy: normally, if she jumps off the dock, she needs Mike to stay on the dock and pull her back up—but this time, they were both so depleted that Mike jumped off the other side, leaving them both swimming with nobody to pull them to safety. For Rachel, this brought up a painful, ancient narrative. Instead of just seeing two stressed partners, her nervous system told her she was defective. In this session, we reframe what it means to be guarded. For so long, Rachel viewed her emotional wall as a massive block of ice she needed to hack down. Today, we explore why the only real way to remove an ice wall is to slowly warm up the environment until it dissolves on its own. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Sign up for our Understanding Shame Course: Understanding Shame – The Missing Link to Breaking Negative Cycles Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 14: The Burden of the Poker Face: How Hiding Stress Hurts Your Marriage 26.05.2026 1h 25min

Mike recently received some great news about a major work project, but instead of celebrating, he admits to Rachel that he is quietly carrying a massive amount of pressure behind his "professional poker face". In this session, we trace this habit of emotional isolation straight back to its origin. We discover that when Mike struggled as a child, his parents' anxiety would spike, teaching him the painful lesson that his negative emotions were a burden. To protect his family, he learned to bury his feelings and simply "focus on what's good". Today, Mike brings that vulnerability into the room, and Rachel gets the opportunity to show him that she doesn't need him to be perfectly stress-free—she just needs him to be honest about where he is. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Join Our Men's Support Group: Men's Group: Building Emotional Attunement and Connection Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 13: Always Second Place: Fighting to Be Your Partner's Priority 19.05.2026 1h 15min

Today, we see what happens when Mike's loyalty to his family leaves Rachel feeling like she is "last on the list". When Rachel feels unprotected, she tries to handle her pain with logic, presenting evidence and hoping Mike will rationally agree with her. But as we discuss today, logic alone does not heal an attachment wound. Meanwhile, we finally uncover why Mike feels so compelled to manage everyone's comfort, tracing his habit of "going with the flow" straight back to his childhood. Witness what happens when Mike drops his defenses to validate Rachel's pain, and she asks for the one thing her nervous system needs to truly trust him again. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Join Julie's 4-Week Parenting Group Workshop: Parenting With Security Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 12: Between a Rock and a Hard Place: The Cost of "Going With the Flow" 12.05.2026 1h 6min

Doing real emotional work is physically exhausting. When Mike logs on for this session, the very first thing he shares is that he feels completely "taxed and jumbled". He is asking his brain to operate in an emotional language it was never taught to speak. Today, we trace that language barrier straight back to its origin. We dive into Mike's family history, examining the impact of a grandfather who was "straight business" and a father who was "avoidant to the core emotionally". In that environment, Mike learned early on that you don't feel things—you brush them off, distract yourself, and simply "go with the flow" to keep the peace. But as we peel back the layers of a recent conflict, we uncover a completely different truth about how this impacts his marriage. Mike's passivity wasn't an act of pushing Rachel away; it was a desperate, silent attempt to invite her in and beg her to help him manage a lifetime of fear. The moment he is able to articulate this fear instead of weaponizing it, Rachel doesn't pull away—her empathy system opens wide. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 11: You Can't Problem Solve Your Way Out of Pain 05.05.2026 1h 6min

When your partner is hurting, what is your immediate instinct? For most of us, it's to grab a toolbox. We want to solve the problem, clear up the misunderstanding, or offer the perfectly logical explanation that will make the pain go away. But what if the urge to fix the problem is actually just a disguised attempt to escape our own discomfort? If you've been listening this season, you know Mike usually defaults to logic and defense mechanisms when things get tense. Today, we look directly at what happens in the split-second after a trigger. Mike admits that his absolute first instinct when Rachel is upset is to justify and explain, noting that if he can do so successfully, he can stay out of the agonizing feeling of being a failure. By helping Mike slow down and sit in the physical tension of that fear, he is finally able to tell Rachel the truth: he isn't pushing her away; he is pushing away the pain he doesn't want to face. It's an honest look at how our protections often create the exact disconnection we are trying to avoid, and Rachel finds a lot of relief in finally hearing his authentic self. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Negative Cycle Workshop: Mapping Your Negative Cycle Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 10: Why It Feels So Hard to Ask Your Partner for Help 28.04.2026 52min

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Following Mike's admission of withholding the truth, Rachel is experiencing a very healthy, righteous anger. But today, we pivot away from blaming Mike's behavior and guide Rachel directly into her own vulnerability. We uncover a heartbreaking core belief: Rachel is terrified to let Mike help her because her life experiences have taught her that "reliance equals abandonment". From an absent father to the tragic loss of her late husband, Rachel's nervous system has learned that the people you lean on always disappear. We trace this fear back to her childhood, where she learned to deny her own pain because the adults in her life dismissed it. Witness what happens when we stop fighting about the lies and start fighting for the right to take up emotional space. Please help support the podcast by leaving us a five-star rating on Spotify and Apple. Thank you so much to Rachel and Mike for their incredible vulnerability, and thank you all for listening. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 9: Resetting the TEMPO & Two Big Lies 21.04.2026 54min

Think about a time you caught your partner withholding the truth. If you've been there, you know the actual lie is only half the battle; the other half is the agonizing feeling of thinking you might be going crazy. Today, we tackle one of the most difficult hurdles in any relationship: broken trust. Recently, Rachel's intuition flared up over a situation, and she pressed Mike for the truth, which he withheld. We map out the exact anatomy of this lie, discovering that Mike isn't a malicious deceiver, but a terrified partner who uses omission as the ultimate escape hatch when his fear of failing Rachel becomes unbearable. Witness the powerful shift when Mike finally takes accountability, and Rachel is hit with a flood of relief as she realizes she wasn't crazy to trust her own gut. As always, we want to hear from you. Send your questions, your breakthroughs, or a voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com, and please leave us a five-star rating on Spotify or Apple! Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 8: When Your Partner Makes Decisions Without You 14.04.2026 51min

We are picking right back up with Rachel and Mike. Today, we revisit a highly charged memory that perfectly illustrates their negative cycle: a unilateral family decision made during a massive winter storm that completely brushed past Rachel's fierce reservations. For a widow who has already lived through losing a spouse, this wasn't just a disagreement about driving conditions—it was a life-or-death trigger that sent the crushing message that her voice didn't matter. In this episode, we explore the clinical approach to anger. We uncover how a "sharp tongue" is often just a desperate, exhausted plea to be heard, and what happens when that fiery protest goes unvalidated and eventually burns out into silent despair. On the other side of the couch, Mike reveals how his endless logic and "word vomit" are actually a desperate shield to protect himself from the profound sadness of feeling utterly unseen and unappreciated. Witness what happens when the fortress finally comes down and they learn to hold space for each other's deepest wounds. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 7: What Will Life Look Like if This Relationship Ends? 07.04.2026 54min

Think about a time you brought a really important concern to your partner, only to feel completely dismissed. When that happens over and over, you eventually stop bringing things up—not because the problem is solved, but because the pain of being unheard is just too heavy to keep risking. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Recently, Rachel's daughter came to her feeling like some recent situations involving their step-parent dynamic just hadn't been fair. Hearing her daughter's frustration sparked something in Rachel. It made her realize that she had been noticing those exact same unfair dynamics, but she had been keeping quiet because the last time she tried to voice her concerns, she felt completely dismissed. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we don't stay in the logistics of the fight. The specific details of the story don't actually matter, because conflict is always going to circle back to someone's attachment need going unmet. For Rachel, this private incident triggered a massive, ancient wound: the agonizing pain of feeling dismissed. And for Mike? Watching Rachel slip into that pain didn't just make him uncomfortable; it activated a terrifying catastrophization in his brain. His nervous system convinced him that he was going to fail her, the marriage would end, and he would be thrust back into the profound loneliness he experienced during his years as a single man. Today, you are going to hear what happens when we slow down the nervous system's automatic defenses and finally give these hidden fears a voice. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 6: When the Fixer Finally Puts Down His Tools 31.03.2026 39min

We pick right back up in the middle of our session with Rachel and Mike. After Rachel courageously bared her soul, the energy in the room is incredibly heavy. Now, we turn our focus to Mike. When you look at an Avoidant partner in moments of high emotional stress, the assumption is often that they come across as cold, detached, or simply don't care. But the reality is entirely different. Today, you are going to feel the suffocating wave of failure that crashes over Mike. We take a magnifying glass to his internal world and see how his tendency to justify, reason, and over-explain isn't him trying to be dismissive. It is actually his desperate, panicked attempt to regulate his own immense shame and manage the paralyzing physical tension of failing his wife. Witness what happens when the "fixer" finally puts down his tools, stops explaining the situation, and instead explains himself. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 5: What Does Your Fear Need? 24.03.2026 53min

Have you ever fought so hard for a connection that one day, you simply run out of energy? You stop yelling. You stop protesting. You just… go quiet. That is exactly where we find Rachel today. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped, Rachel's nervous system is so overloaded that she has shifted from anxious pursuit into complete emotional numbing. She is grappling with a dark, heavy belief that she is fundamentally 'too much' to be loved. In this episode, we gently unpack that heavy suitcase of grief. We trace Rachel's fear of rejection all the way back to her childhood, to a little girl who was teased and left entirely alone to manage her pain. We explore what happens when we use "distractions"—focusing on the thousands of little problems we have to solve throughout the day—as a way to control the dark, horrible place of feelings inside of us. You will hear how those early experiences of emotional abandonment built the invisible walls Rachel is hiding behind right now, and what happens when we finally slow down to ask the body: What is your fear fearing? What does your fear need? Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 4: Building a Positive Cycle from the Fear of Disappointment 17.03.2026 43min

Leading up to this week's session, we have established a new foundation of vulnerability and we tackle one of the biggest challenges in their relationship: Mike's family. For Rachel, the family dynamic is an environment where she feels constantly pushed to the side. But for Mike, stepping out of line with his parents triggers a profound, physical alarm response in his nervous system. In this episode, we dive deep into the agonizing tension Mike feels being wedged between his wife and his family, and how the intense fear of disappointing others drives his avoidance. By staying grounded in his body instead of escaping into his head to "fix" the problem, Mike is able to show Rachel his true emotional state. He admits that his avoidance isn't a lack of care, but a desperate attempt to regulate his own overwhelming fear. The moment he shares this vulnerability, everything changes. Rachel doesn't feel abandoned; she feels safe and co-regulated. Together, they take their first steps out of their negative loop and begin building a new, positive cycle. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 3: He Probably Wishes He Hadn't Chosen Me 10.03.2026 1h 14min

If you listened to our previous episode, you know Rachel and Mike ended their first session with a beautiful breakthrough. But in the real world of relationships, progress is rarely linear. In this episode, we drop into the next session to find Rachel fighting a powerful urge to detach. Exhausted from years of feeling emotionally dropped despite providing him with a "roadmap" to her heart, her nervous system is sending her a painful, familiar message: she is fundamentally flawed, and her emotional needs are just "too much" for him. On the other side of the couch, Mike is equally exhausted. He desperately wants to comfort Rachel but hits an absolute wall when faced with her deep sadness. To understand why, we trace Mike's emotional avoidance all the way back to its roots—uncovering a painful history of childhood bullying and a family culture where heavy emotions were minimized with baked goods and phrases like "don't sweat the small stuff." Together, we discover that Mike isn't being intentionally dismissive of his wife's pain; he is simply using the only emotional survival strategy he was ever taught. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 2: Escaping to the Head When the Heart Gets Scared 03.03.2026 36min

Welcome back to the second half of our first session with Rachel and Mike . After Rachel courageously opens up about her deep grief and abandonment fears, the emotional stakes in the room are high . For an Avoidant partner like Mike, this is a terrifying moment . Instead of leaning into the emotion, his natural instinct is to run to the safety of his intellect—over-explaining, rationalizing, and trying to "fix" the problem to make the discomfort stop . In this episode, we slow everything down to understand the overwhelming physical tension and fear of failure that drives Mike's avoidance . We reach a profound breakthrough as we uncover the truth behind the Avoidant struggle: Mike isn't abandoning Rachel because he doesn't care; he is leaving her because he doesn't know how to stay with himself. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

S3 | Session 1: Setting the TEMPO to Uncover Deep Wounds 24.02.2026 1h 13min

We are kicking off Season 3 with a brand new couple, Rachel and Mike. Unlike previous seasons, we are using an intensive therapy model, diving deep into their dynamic over a compressed timeframe. On paper, Rachel and Mike are a committed power couple running a successful business. But underneath, they are stuck in a painful anxious-avoidant cycle. Rachel has shifted from protesting for connection to silently shutting down to protect herself , while Mike, our avoidant partner, is emotionally completely alone, trying to "fix" her pain from the safety of his head. In this episode, we use the TEMPO model (Trigger, Emotion, Meaning, Protection, Organization) to unpack a recent conflict about family boundaries. We watch the cycle take over, and then pivot away from the surface fight down into the deep, unresolved grief and abandonment driving Rachel's fear. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.

Season 3 Trailer: I Leave You Because I Leave Me 17.02.2026 3min

In Season 3 of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno introduces Rachel and Mike—a couple who look perfect on paper but are quietly drowning in the dark. Rachel, a widow who risked everything for a fresh start, finds herself in a lonely battle for priority, while Mike, the "steady" husband, retreats into his head to avoid failing her. This season goes beyond communication struggles into the raw reality of grief, financial betrayal, and the silent erosion of trust. Witness what happens when an anxious partner stops fighting and an avoidant partner finally admits, "I leave you because I leave me." Season 3 begins next week. Subscribe now to follow their journey. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

The Season 2 Debrief: A Live Q&A with Julie 03.02.2026 1h 26min

Following the season finale, we gathered for a special live Q&A to process this journey together. With the couple absent, Julie takes the floor to answer direct questions from the audience about the season's difficult ending, diving deeper into the dynamics of shame, regression, and the hard truth that healing isn't always linear. We want to extend a brief but heartfelt thank you to Bethany and Brian for their courage in sharing their story with us. Their vulnerability has provided invaluable lessons for us all. Finally, a massive thank you to you, our listeners, for following along this season. Thank you for holding space for this process, for your curiosity, and for your commitment to understanding the complexities of relationships. Send your questions or comments for future episodes via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com and stay tuned for Season 3!

Session 19: Unpacking Shame and The Reality of Healing (Season Finale) 20.01.2026 1h 36min

We enter the final session of Season 2 with a deep dive into the roots of shame. Julie steps in to distinguish shame from guilt, helping Brian see that his exhaustion and relentless drive for success aren't just personality traits—they are survival strategies designed to hide a core belief of being "defective" or "less than" . The session culminates in a moment of true openness, where Brian practices asking for support rather than acting out . However, we end with a sobering update on where the couple is today. Despite periods of profound connection and plans to reunite, old patterns re-emerged, reminding us that progress requires consistency to survive the inevitable regressions . This week, instead of a homework prompt, we invite you to join our upcoming Live Q&A session with Julie next Monday, January 26th to debrief this heavy season. We want to hear your questions and experiences—both the hard parts and the helpful ones—as we process the reality of healing together Register for the Season 2 Q&A Live Episode: Season 2 Listener Q&A Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.