Every Song

Epizode

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  Childhood realities vs Parenthood contemplations (2005-2025) 05.11.2025 36min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.3 months. 54 episodes. 120 songs. If my math is correct (which it rarely ever is). This here is the season finale of the first season of Every Song.Oh, how very fitting that I am once again, sick for the very last episode and my nose is so stuffy yet runny and itchy and eurgh. And my voioce is low again and I’m trying to like pitch it up higher and give it a bit more energy. I realise that in some of the episode openings I sound really soft and high-pitched and some I sound really, like, “WELCOME”, like I’m ready to confront an issue or confront something that is inside me that I’m about to tell people. Some are, like, really soft and feminine and vulnerable. I was listening through some of the openings the other day and I was like, “Oh my god, I sound different in every episode”. So, in this episode I sound sick again. It feels like my body is purging as I purge and release a lot of pent up emotions from my life through these songs. I don’t know what my body’s doing. It’s just been a really weird and stressful year. My mental stress is manifesting physically. Not really emotional stress. I think emotionally, I’ve been really good this year. Things for me emotionally have been really stabel and nice and my life is, I guess, emotionally peaceful. But just the mental load of career and finances - just the logistics of life. The really boring logistics of life has been really ‘wearing down on me’? (Is that a saying?) It’s just taking a toll on me. I feel like it’s physically manifesting in my body.When I started this series a few months ago, I did so at a place in my life where I felt like I was coming up to a crossroads or an overlap between limbo and my previous life. It felt like I was waking up everyday to a previous life even though I had not yet lived a future life. It just felt like everyday I woke up, it was already over and I was living a flashback for months and months.I was only working part-time as an elected governor for my local council, which I was trying to supplement with a second job so I can survive. However, for that first half of the year, I just kept getting rejected. I just could not get a second job. I just ended up having a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden after the last few years of working two jobs and doing post-grad studies all at once.At the same time, my boyfriend Lloyd was stationed out of town for work and we did long distance for over 3 months. I was just alone in our apartment for ages with my thoughts.That’s when I slowly started to pick up my guitar again. I slowly started to sit in front of my digital piano and play, a little more every single day. I just started writing little by little again day after day.When I first started playing and singing again, I was very rusty. Well, I still am. But it is because I haven’t seriously been disciplined with music or seriously been in practise for years, since before COVID. So, my vocals weren’t what they used to be. Also, as an instrumentalist, as a musician, I knew I was very very rusty. My timing, my finger dexterity, my theory; I was just very out of practice. I started wondering if I should get myself back in the swing of things and dust of my old fingers and vocal chords. Not to mention, the only software I have right now is Garageband. My knockoff Logic Pro X doesn’t work on this laptop so I don’t have access to any fancy effects or mixing and editing features. Which, I guess, is supposed to be the purpose of this songwriting series: to be as stripped back as possible.Another point that I was going to make was that, because at this time I was already capitalistically conditioned, I did initially wonder what the hell the point would be since it’s not going to be a reliable second job that could supplement my lifestyle. But there was not much else to do at that time and I felt a little bit of a calling to just play music.And so, I did. I thought it might be a good idea to start forcing myself to write full songs again as well as play through my old songs. Everything I have ever written before. That’s where I got the idea for this series. I thought playing through the evolution of my songwriting might get me back in the zone. I feel like it definitely did.I do feel like now that I’m at the end of this first part of the series, I’m in a good space creatively. Although, it could get a lot better if I cultivated an environment of creativity everyday at home or hopefully at a new job now that I’ve moved to a new country in search for a new job. They keep calling us financial refugees or economic refugees. Even though the word refugees, obviously, I don’t agree with labelling myself that. But I think just because a lot of Kiwis are moving in hoardes to Australia now because there are no jobs in New Zealand, that’s what the news and a lot of the street language (I was gonna call it street slang)- a lot of people, a lot of us are being financial/economic refugees. Well, I would rather just call myself an economic migrant, but yeah.What was I saying? Yeah, so, creatively I’m in a good place and I just hope that I don’t lose this momentum. Especially when this creative flow that I’ve found myself in these days, in addition to the regular self-reflection that comes with singing through old music, has helped contextualise how far I’ve come. Even though, I have so much to go, still, with improving myself.When I was younger I had so many confusing and harmful thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know quite what to do with or how to process or how to release in a healthy way. That’s due, in part, to not being taught in a way that goes through to me and not being taught because I had no reliable close adults who also possessed the skill to do it themselves in their own lives. It is really harrowing now, looking back at how much damage being raised by a community of emotionally illiterate adults and religious dogma can do to a child. To nobody’s surprise, I turned out, also, to be an emotionally illiterate young adult who has caused harm toward others without awareness and care. Until now, I guess.I have been trying to work on being less of an a*****e for the last few years, since my late twenties but it is of course going to be a lifelong journey. As Scanlon says, “Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task”. I should accept that for the rest of my life I will be continuously trying to justify the implications of my decisions against various moral codes and worldviews of whatever specific context and time period. Additionally, I will also be continuously trying to justify the wrongdoings of others unto me, because I’m trying to make sense of it all, especially by grown adults who were supposed to support and love me unconditionally, grown adults who we’re supposed to trust with our lives as children, not just in practicality and survival but also with spiritual and ethical enrichment.Although, I do wonder, since I am a child of—or rather, a product of—Asian cultural and philosophical upbringing, was I ever even entitled to being given anything more by the people who conceived and raised me than just a roof over my head, food, clothing, and an education? Some say that if you have those essentials then you ask for nothing more. Your legal guardians are not your little friends, they say. They are not there to give you unconditional support with your personal ventures outside of academic success or commercial success that doesn’t conform to the structures of traditional employment; they are not here to give you an emotional safe space for you to be vulnerable with your mental state and give you nuanced, sensitive emotional care and affection. Their only job is to make sure you toughen the f**k up so that you can survive that harsh world out there, stay alive and be of acceptable social and medical standing (because if you are not, that’s very embarassing on their part and god forbid they be perceived as a failure as legal guardians).As a 34-year-old woman now, in the midst of serious consideration on bearing children and fertility, I cannot help but wonder if the end goal of parenthood is just the performance of parenthood for the public; to conform to societal standards of familybuilding and homemaking; to simply be deemed an exceptional parent or legal guardian; to show off smiles in family holiday photos and a neat home when hosting dinner parties; to give ones offspring an adequate amount of practical protection from exposure to the natural climate and a home environment to churn out little baby cogs in the machine so that they can wash their hands clean of any other mental or emotional responsibility (“If I did ABC then I don’t have to do DEF and you should just shut up and be thankful for it”). I cannot help but wonder if that is just the whole point and logistics of parenthood and building a family.From what I have personally witnessed and lived through, I just simply struggle to see parenthood as a phase in ones human life to create and nourish another human life to being their best and most authentic self with no expectations, no judgement, no conditions, just pure acceptance. Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Because I didn’t experience that. I just felt a lot of pressure to become something I’m not everyday, and show up as something I’m not everyday and only be given support if I show up as something I’m not and cannot be everyday. I have met other adults now who did experience pure, unconditional support and love from the people who raised them and I feel jealousy, to be honest. And to be honest, I am so deathly afraid of becoming a parent myself, lest I become just another life-bearing adult who only gives a child the bare essentials to survive but not thrive and grow into kind yet critical adults who can contribute to the progressive evolution of humankind and help drive humantiy out of antequated conservative ideologies that hold us all back instead of just wanting to live in the world and extract the benefits of it, conforming without having to think about making anything better.I think there’s a lot of unhealed pain in me and my worldviews because it has not been proven otherwise that the two people who put me in this world did so with the intention of only adding another person to a religious existence because they were mentally conditioned to believe that it is what they were just supposed to do. And perhaps that’s the reason why I have struggled with my sense of purpose ever since I was a kid, my sense of self and ultimate reason for being alive. I firmly believe that they never questioned what that meant for the humanbeings they create except for that those little humanbeings need to then continue the cycle and also re-produce with no critical or defiant thought. Now, they have three adult offsprings with no children while they sit and wait for grandchildren, too afraid of confronting and taking accountability for their behaviours and actions that have influenced the fact that their three offsprings are extremely cautious about bringing any more humans into this world if that is what existence and upbringing and parenthood means.If bringing another human into this world means that there is just another young person who feels emotionally neglected, being dismissed and being told that their emotional and mental needs do not matter, sitting alone in their rooms every night feeling unseen and unheard, just making and playing sad songs by themselves because that’s the only way they know how to cope, and in adulthood have very complicated feelings toward the people who raised them, who just feel obligated to keep in touch with no deeper affection or care toward them… then I do not want that.Again, for some who subscribe to the Asian philosophy of parenthood then that would probably sound either too harsh or it might sound like a given. Like, yes, duh, that’s what a parent-child relationship is supposed to be like. If you are a child you are obligated and it doesn’t matter what feelings you have about the situation, that’s just the way it is, you shut up and do your obligations. It’s very dismissive and it allows for so many grievances to be and remain unaddressed. There is so much power imbalance in that way of living and thinking. It breeds resentment and guilt and viceral disgusting feelings that will never be resolved because to express a desire to resolve something wrong or to complain about anything at all is seen as being ungrateful and disrespectful. It’s a toxic environment for human beings.I refuse to subscribe to that mentality. I refuse to repeat that cycle of parenthood and I refuse to participate in it now and an adult child. I’m over feeling guilty and just participating out of guilt and obligation and not out of love and respect. Especially when I do not feel accepted and unconditionally loved as my full authentic self, since when I approach this relationship I must leave parts of myself behind and only show up as how people want me to. I cannot bring all that I am to the table and it feels horrible. I do not want to do that anymore. I am a full grown adult now. I just want to be myself without having to answer to powers that continuously suppress and dismiss my voice, and operate out of guilt and fear. In a space where it has been proven that my emotional and mental needs are not valued and is at the bottom of the priority list; in a space where I have been taught that it is only acceptable to be given and accept material and essential support; I do not belong - that’s just not me.And for a long time, as a kid and into young adulthood, I have felt that but have never had the resources to learn about what those feelings were, or I have not had the time to grow and learn about what those were, so I just kept writing about it. And I projected those feelings and all the learned behaviour onto others; onto relationships, onto jobs and my career, my education and authority figures, my friendships. How I was taught to accept and give expressions of affection out of obligation seeped into every aspect of my life. Even if I wanted to express pure love and admiration toward others, it always ended up being somewhat transactional because I was raised in an environment of, “If I do this for you then you must do this for me and if I do this for you that means you can’t bring up anything I did wrong up because of how ungrateful that would be therefore I don’t have to take accountability for my actions or the damage I have done”. So, for most of my life, I ran away from accountability, even when I know I did wrong and hurt friends and even random guys. I run away from accountability because I never grew up with adults, who were supposed to set a good example, who did that, who knew how to apologise, and take accountability, confront their own shortcomings and wrongdoings, and make a conscious effort to do better. I grew up believing that people do not have to do that and we can just shut people out, cut them off, the moment we have to take accountability for our actions and apologise. There is no need for apologising and taking accountability if you bury it with enough good deeds. But no amount of material good deeds and favours can ever balance out emotional pain and neglect. For a long time, growing up, especially as a kid, I didn’t know that that was the conditioning I was under. It wasn’t until now, as an adult, did I start realising that.I am, very obviously, only in step one of this process of being able to identify it and put it into words. It’s only the beginning of my journey of processing and healing from it. Obviously, who knows, in a year from now, I might have better insight into this or I might have different thoughts on how to approach this or how to feel about this. But for now, this is just how I feel because this is just the beginning of my journey to identifying, accepting, and healing, and moving on.And, playing these old songs that I wrote as a young teenager, I see now that this how I felt throughout those years, from being a kid through young adulthood. This is how I felt through the way I worded and wrote and expressed the feeling of emotional neglect, suppression and angst.Anyway, this is a song I wrote when I was 14 years old around November of 2005, called Taking Your Time.051100 Taking Your TimeNow because you’re pervertedI’m living me life miserablyNow because my friends are b*****sI accept my own apologiesNow because you are stupidI can’t calculate the probabilitiesNow my friends are stonedI won’t come homeTaking your timeYou’re out of my mindTrying my best to look just fineI’ll be with you in a whileHere you can wait in lineStaring, murdering the skyTaking your timeNow because God’s not helpingI won’t be praying, noNow because you’re an a*****eI’ll stop wasting time, sitting here singingNow because my friends are liarsI cannot be botheredNow I am goneI won’t come homeTen years after writing that, I wrote this song about being at peace with the things that I cannot change, things I have learnt about loving those around me and being loved in whatever way people have the capacity and capability to. It’s a little inspired by the concept of a chosen family and building a community of people whose values and philosophies in life are compatible with mine.Musically, in the bridge, it takes from The Beatle’s Hey Jude na na na type bridge. I envisioned this song with a choir or a bunch of people in the bridge singing the na na na’s together on a wonderfully joyous cresendo. It’s just meant to be one of those really happy, it-is-what-it-is, que sera sera songs.Alright, I’m going to end on this song but before I go, I just want to say thank you if you have listened all the way up to this last 54th episode from the very beginning. It’s been a weird journey, reminising and reflecting on what I’ve been through through my songs. I’m going to start working on the second season of Every Song as soon as I finish this, especially since the theme will be relationships, going through the timeline of the four boyfriends I have had which starts from when I was around 19/20ish until now; and how and why I behaved the way, and accepted the things I did, and hurt people the way I did. Spoiler (not so spoiler) alert: it’s learned behaviour from unaddressed and unhealed childhood neglect. I also, in the next season, want to do a lot less trauma-dumping and venting, and go more into what I’m doing nowadays to process and heal in a healthy way. What my daily practices are, what they may be, at this time of my life now that I’m in my 30’s, and looking for more ways to help me grow and be a less shitty version of myself so that I don’t project my pain onto others anymore. Do I forgive those who have not even asked for forgiveness? Do I forget what doesn’t serve me anymore? It all ultimately boils down to the question of what it means to be a functioning human being navigating complex interpersonal relationships, trying to participate within acceptable societal norms in modernity. I don’t know. Who actually knows? Who claims to have the right answer? Is there a right or wrong answer? I’ll marinate on those questions as I go along. But for now, here is the last song of the season.This is Hold My Hand. I wrote it on the 29th of June 2025.250625 Hold My HandLove is everything you think it’s notYou finally figure it out then lose the plotDoesn’t matter, time or placeNothing you can ever do or say toChange the way somebody feels about you ever worksDust yourself off and try again, things could be worseThere’s a roof over my headI’m surrounded by friendsWe’re goingNa, na, na na na naJust hold my handNa, na, na na na naJust hold my handEvery dream you’ve ever had might not come trueAt least the alternative all depends on youI have ruined my imageI was raised by my villageWe’re goingLove is everything you think it’s notYou finally figure it out then lose the plotI have ruined my imageI was raised by my villageWe’re goingThank you for listening to episode 54, the season one finale of Every Song. I am Cleo the Leo. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  The discipline of not caring (2009) 04.11.2025 11min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.This is the second to last episode of the first season. The song I’m going to play today is called The Last Melody. I initially thought to play this as the last song of the last episode tomorrow because the title would be fitting, but I decided against it. I didn’t want the season finale to be about romance since the whole second season will be about my relationships anyway. So, for today I will sing the last male-centred song of the first season. Plenty of time for more boy-talk next year.What I want is to get all the songs that aren’t about or dedicated to my official relationships out of the way now. or at least most of those songs. Think of it as a ceremonial letting-go ritual. I may never sing these songs ever again because I’ve released them out into the world now and they’re no longer just kept inside me or my songbooks. Process complete. Well, to be honest, I can’t wait until I release and let go of all that is carried within songs that are about my previous relationships. Maybe it will help me process them fully and I can just fully focus on moving forward in my life without ever having to worry about keeping resentment inside me or holding unnecessary grudges. I only say unnecessary because I believe that there are some things that are so heinous that resentment and ill-feelings toward them hold validity.Singing and talking through these songs that, I never realised, are like diary entries since I was a kid, and talking through them and what happened from memory, and looking back at my emotional responses to certain things have served as a reflectionary practice in the last few months. It’s started this awareness triggerpoint in me now that when I do or say or react to certain things which are ruled by my emotions, I stop and go, “Oh wait, is that because this happened when I was younger and therefore now the only way I know how to cope with that is to do XYZ?” Just a bit more self-awareness is probably what I’m trying to say. Wait, can one be too annoyingly self-aware that it cripples onward progress in life? I’ll circle back to that in the future.But for now, here’s a song about committing to never write about someone ever again. With reasons ranging from wanting to force oneself to just move on and never address it ever again because it was a painful experience to just not wanting to seem creepily obsessed about this one brief teenage connection and now it’s just beginning to become a symptom of loserism and it’s very f*****g embarassing. This does fall under the category of songs about X. After I wrote this song, I realised that I had the power within me to just make myself pretend people never existed, but in order for me to do that I had to unhealthily block out a lot of emotions and put walls up. Which wasn’t always succesfully executed, especially when I found myself in lovergirl mode and I completely devote all my love and life to one guy. This whole experience was probably one of the root causes of me having two hard sides when I deal with romantic discomfort. I’m either a cold hard b***h who doesn’t care about who she hurts or an utter pushover who tends to get controlled by any guy who shows the slightest sign of devotion back to me. I did eventually start growing out of this pendulum after my first relationship had ended. However, it’s still sometimes a hard habit to break especially when you’re out there as an adult in the dating scene and you just have to either toughen up and get your needs met or be vulnerable and risk being taken for granted.This song is called The Last Melody, written on the 10th of September 2009.090910 The Last MelodyI will write you a million songsEven if you only choose to listen to oneAnd I will follow wherever you goBut I’m still hoping that someday you will stopAll these words I’m sayingHave all been spoken beforeAnd all these promises I’m makingHave all been broken before|Because it’s been three yearsAnd I’m still right here on the same spot you left meAnd oh, these tears I’ve shedHave done nothing but resurrect the memoriesI don’t want to rememberI don’t want to forgetI would like to stand by youAnd see your eyes againBut I should know betterThe heart is pitch blackThis melody I wrote for youWill be the lastI wonder if this scar of mine will ever healIt’s a record of the life that we once hadI should be thankful I even got the chance to love youEven though the opportunity has driven me madIt’s only because you were my firstYou were everything, you were my worldAnd I tried my best to believe youI did all I could to make things workBut it’s been three years and I’m still fighting fearsI still do not have a clueAbout where you are, what you are, who you truly areWe would have never made it this farThank you for listening to episode 53 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  A love spell in a song (2018) 02.11.2025 8min

  Welcome, you are listening to Evey Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.This is a song I wrote to manifest better love in my life. Wait, I hate that word “manifest”. It sounds so woo-woo. Basically, this is a song I wrote after my horribly horrendous first relationship ended, which went on for 6 or so years. I wrote this as I imagined a new, better love coming into my life. One that won’t betray, deceive, abandon, or harm me in any way. And, lo and behold, the next three relationships I have been in after that first one with Satan himself, have been gorgeously gentle, supportive, mutually nurturing relationships with these great guys. Writing this song was almost like a promise to myself to only to accept the kind of love and partnership that is focused on healthy companionship and uplifting each other. And that is what my other three relationships after my first one has been like. To my surprise, a constantly tumultuous relationship was NOT the norm and I slowly learnt that it’s not something that should be kept normalised. Musically, melodically it is inspired by Jessie Ware’s Say You Love Me. Almost like a cover but not really.This is a song called Dawn is Breaking. I wrote it on the 2nd of January 2018.180102 Dawn is BreakingThe moon is meltingOver the seaUnder such comedyIs where we’ll meetTime goes slowlyAs lovers loveFinding diamondsIn the roughCalm and clearlyThe calling will beCrumbling completelyCarelesslyDawn is breakingSo is sheHe was made for herAnd her for heAs the shadowsLay on the groundThere on my skinYou are foundSpirit to spiritSoul to soulI will take theeTo have and to holdDawn is breakingSo am ITell me that I’m yoursAnd you are mineThank you for listening to episode 51 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Writing around riff references (2006) 01.11.2025 8min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. I am lumping these two songs I’m going to play today because they are ones that were prompted by my mate Peter. Not exactly co-wrote because we didn’t write these songs together. I just got ideas for these songs from a couple of riffs he played to me in passing, and I just kinda wrote around them.The first one is inspired by Seether’s Disclaimer II album, (for some f*****g reason?)Oh hey, fun fact. Peter was born on the same day in the same hospital as Fiso. Middlemore Hospital on the 26th of May 1991. 060800 GasolineBecause I see youYou’re dripping with gasolineAnd I’ll breathe you inIf it means you’ll never leaveBut I can’t love youYou’re something that I haven’t earnedSo, I’ll just seethe you throughNothing else left to learnSo, I’ll hit the road againFarewell to you my good, good, friendShe’ll keep you pretty happy, pretty busyYou don’t know what you mean to meTo be honestBreathing is getting hardThe more you flatter meThe deeper you stab me in the heartI’ll bring your burdens with meAs a memory of what tore us apartAs long as you sleep in peaceI’ll try to make it back to the startSo, I’ll keep me to myselfFarewell to you, this is the endYou’ll stumble and you’ll fallHere I go againAloneI wrote Gasoline some time in August 2006. The next one also stems from a guitar riff Peter played me one time. It’s not the exact one I have, but the piece he played was similar and I was able to use that as reference when composing. And the lyrics were generically inspired by some Brooke Fraser songs.This is Astray, written on the 20th of September 2006. 060920 AstrayLet’s just stay here for a whileCause baby I’m still so deep in denialWhy would somebody with a beautiful soulFeel something for meDon’t matter ‘bout timeWe could stay here foreverDon’t matter ‘bout promises we said we’d keepI don’t know if there is a way of making sureThat you’re not just another dreamCause I sure am making progress with you by my sideSo many things I must confessDon’t need these wings to flyCause you lift me up and out, awayEvery time I go astrayThere’s something I need to stayBefore we’ve got to partAnd it’s that babyYou’ve mended back my heartCause I, I was lost from the startBut then you found meDon’t matter ‘bout lifeI could certainly survive in your armsDon’t matter ‘bout enemies we have to fightWe’re driving down every roadThat points to the path of infinityEternity with youThank you for listening to episode 50 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Fiso Matthew Tofaeono-Tanuvasa (2014) 31.10.2025 5min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. This episode is about my late friend, Fiso Tanuvasa. He passed away in 2014.Fiso and I met when we were 9 years old at St. Joseph’s primary school, Onehunga, 2001. And we were friends right until the end. I don’t even know what else to say.This song came about one beautifully, sunny day just two days after he passed away. I was kind of annoyed at the weather for being so nice and inconsiderate while we were mourning a loved one, a friend.I have actually never sang this song to anyone before. Not in Fiso’s services or any of the events the week of his funeral. Nor have I shared it to our friends or his family. It’s a song I usually just sing at home by myself when I think of him. This is Shine. I wrote it on the 16th of January 2014. 140116 ShineToday I wondered why the sky was blueIt’s because of youThe clouds have partedHeaven’s gate is wide openJust to let this new angel inAnd I hope you keep the sunshine for us one ore dayJust because saying goodbye to you will bring the rainBut I’m happy now that you’ve escaped the painSo, go on angel, shine awayTomorrow will you still be in the air?Will you hear my prayer?Cause I feel you in the breezeIn the wind that sways the treesYour spirit’s running freeAnd I will always wonder what would have beenIf through the battle God had let you winInstead he put your beautiful soul to sleepYou’ve been releasedThank you for listening to episode 49 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Songs on the ukulele (2009-2010) 30.10.2025 9min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. Here are a couple of songs I wrote on the ukulele when I first got one. I think I got it for Christmas or at least around Christmas of 2009. The first song for today is one that (I’m pretty sure) is about the guy I talked about on episode 17, the song called Official Lady Friend. Well, this song’s not about him completely, but, as I’ve explained before, these types of situat ional songs for me are usually just inspired by the emotions I felt at that time. I also tend to mix in elements and references from other events or connections that I have similar feelings toward.This song is called Life is Good, written on December of 2009. 091200 Life is GoodI’ve been trying so hard to keep myself happyBut how could I do that when you’re not here with meAnd no, I don’t believe in destinyBut I have a sinking feeling that we were meant to beThe rain pours down without your touchCan’t you see the sky is crying for the both of usAnd no, I don’t believe this luck of mineNow I can’t imagine my life if our words have never collidedAnd I sing la di daOh, life is goodWe’ve got to enjoy it like we shouldBut as soon as you walked out of mineAll I’ll ever done is cry, cry, cryDarling , my life is goodAnd I’d save myself if I couldSo, I should get up off my feetAnd realise that with or without youMy life would still be pretty sweetSomeone once told me, “Good things take time”But now I’ve lost the will to live and gained the skill to rhymeYet again I’m on my ownSo I’ll be messing around since you’re goneMatter of fact I met someone, someone newAnd he’s nothing, nothing at all like youBut that’s my problem right thereNot being with you is my worst nightmareAnd I sing la di daI wrote the next song just a couple of months after Life is Good. The theme also revolves around the concept of struggling to enjoy life when you feel disappointed by the outcome of some things, especially ones that are dependant on others, friends, family, romantic connections. It’s about feeling guilty for being lost and alone and hopeless when one is supposed to have all the privileges that being placed in a sophisticated, advanced civilisation is supposed to allow. Here is Heart of Babylon. I wrote it on February of 2010. 100200 Heart of BabylonThere ain’t no need to worryThat, I tell myselfEveryday I’m learningYou can depend on no one elseBecause everybody, everybody changesNo matter how hard they try to stay the sameAnd even I have turned into somebody elseAt least I can admit when i need helpI am lost in this townAnd it’s crumbling downAn SOS, I’m sending outBut in my mind still dwells the doubt thatAn angel will come and speak of loveI am all alone in the heart of BabylonA heartache’s a heartacheIt hurts all the sameBut I’ve never felt heartbreak beforeUntil you came my wayBecause your kisses they caught me off guardSo, I’ve been acting stupid since we’ve been apartAnd I cannot wait until the day I see your face againJust to show you how much I don’t careThank you for listening to episode 48 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Keeping some things IN the pocket (2025) 29.10.2025 5min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. This is a song I wrote it just a few months ago as a songwriting exercise when I was trying to get myself out of a funk with writing and composition. It wasn’t a complete writer’s block since every now and then I had ideas for lines of lyrics and melodies, but I was finding it a hard time finishing a full song. So, during this month (June 2025) I was trying to discipline myself to write everyday even if it meant I would be singing and writing things that didn’t make sense to anybody else but myself or statements of no consequence or statements of consequence that some people might hear and go, “Yikes, probably shouldn’t say that out loud…” The song is aptly titled Out of Pocket.Musically, I wanted to get a little silly with the vocals and sing in an operatic tone. I used to do it a lot when I was a kid and being f*****g annoying around the house singing loudly. This was especially around the time I was just discovering the concept of opera singing when I was in primary school and I would just be at home trying to imitate the sound that they make with their voices. Brief sidenote: I planned to play this song for the episode today and funnily enough, Rosalia released her new song Berghain featuring Bjork and Yves Tumor just yesterday, in which she sings in an operatic tone/vocals. So, I feel like I’m aligned this morning or aligned with the universe. Whatever that whole woo-woo concept is.And for the melody, it is obviously heavily inspired by Kali Uchis’ All I Can Say with the waltz timing and also Lana Del Rey’s Shades of Cool. Here is Out of Pocket, written on the 16th of June 2025. 250616 Out of PocketI’m only just like my motherBecause of learned behaviourOtherwise, we’re not reallyOf the same soul or characterI just realised that I’veOnly had boyfriends with a singularBiological brotherAnd it’s not intentionalMaybe something coincidentalOr nonsensicalIt won’t hurtIf I keep some things in my headNot everything, no not everythingNeeds to be saidSometimesIt would be better of leftIn the pocketCause not everything, no not everythingNeeds to be sangThank you for listening to episode 47 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Boys from outta town (2008-2010) 28.10.2025 12min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. This is The Boy From Waiuku.080612 The Boy From WaiukuLooking in front of the mirrorKnowing that I am aloneToday is just simply clearerNot minding that I’m flying soloAnd I want to be freeSo, just leave me beAnd I’m going to let goSo I can rock n rollBut I’m never too happyTo feel like wearing blackSome days i’m just too angryTo feel like turning backI said today I’m just too happyTo feel like being badTomorrow I’ll feel naughtySo you can feel as gladThe first time that I didn’t careAbout the outcome of my spontaneous decisionTo start living my life on the edgeAnd to satisfy my every temptationDancing in the corner of the roomWhere nobody can see us twoI fell in love on the dance floorWith the boy from WaiukuI wrote The Boy From Waiuku on the 12th of June 2008. Evidently, the title doesn’t seem like it has much to do with the body of the song. It’s almost just a couple of lines I threw on the end of the song as I was finishing it. But when I was composing the song, trying to work on the ending, I just kept playing the chords and improved the lines. It kinda just came out and I was like oh s**t oh s**t I better remember that - what did I just sing? The, “I fell in love on the dance floor with the boy from Waiuku”. I liked that line and I didn’t know where that came from. I guess it’s also a homage to all the times my friends and I would go to Waiuku at Wilson’s place/bach there - all the summers we’d go there.I didn’t actually plan for there to be a coda. It was just this weird throwaway line I put in there.The last line refers to this rando (the boy from Waiuku) I met at an after party for our year 12 school ball in 2008 when I was 16. He was a friend (or was it a cousin?) of Dyall’s from Waiuku, and he was only in town that weekend to party with us. For the life of me, I cannot remember his name, only that he was from outta town and since (remember I’ve mentioned this before) I never ever go for any of the boys from my school cause I don’t s**t where I eat, I basically decided that he would be my main entertainment for the night when we were introduced to each other. Oh no, I do remember one more thing about him. His mum was a hairdresser and she used to make him sweep the floors at the salon. I know that because he asked if I had a part-time job, and I was telling him that some days after school and on the weekends, I work as a colour technician at the local hairdressers, Rodney Wayne in Royal Oak Mall. Rodney Wayne’s not there any more, it’s another salon nowadays. But yeah, I do remember laughing about that. So, Waiuku as in this guy I met at a party and Waiuku also from all the summers we would spend there as kids. I think (if I remember it correctly) I was already working on the song some days or maybe weeks before actually finishing it. Like I said, this was around the time of our Year 12 school ball and the line, “I’m never too happy to feel like wearing black” is about my ball dress because I chose a cheetah print dress instead of my usual signature colour and the people were shocked. And it’s also a reference to how people always point out the fact that I almost only wear black and I’m just like mm-hmn no s**t Sherlock. They tell me that I only wear black as if I didn’t notice it and pick it out myself. Another funny yet annoying story from the year 12 ball in 2008 was that the day of the ball, as in the morning of, I woke up with a massive pimple on my nose. No exaggeration. It was like a Disney original TV show where a character inconveniently gets a huge zit on their face on the day of something important happening. I knew that this pimple was going to be photobombing every single photo with me in it that night so I just posed with a peace sign over it for most of the pictures. No seriously. It turned into a whole thing and all my friends would pose with like peace signs around the pictures so that it’s not so obvious that I keep holding a peace sign over my head even though I look back at the photos now and it’s very obvious. It wasn’t so bad in the end cause it turned a potential confidence-downer into something iconic and memorable. The next song is about summer flings - well it was supposed to be when I first got the little wind to start writing it … but it is also lowkey inspired by teenage horror TV shows and movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Pretty Little Liars. I wanted to write about the idea of gossip and secrets and how harmful they might be when one is of that age, while also trying to just enjoy one’s youth. This song is called Summer Love. I wrote it on the 23rd of December 2010. 101223 Summer LoveLa la la la la la loveSummer loveThe sun is rising to another dayWe’re still in bedBut I don’t mind cause I’m in your armsThere’s no where else I’d rather beBut you insistYour batter is chargedWe’ll find something else to do insteadSo, we head down to the beachAnd make sweet love in the sandHe said she saidSomebody’s getting away with murderI said you saidDon’t worry about it we’re innocentThey said that we’re headingDown a rock road it’s roughBut there ain’t nothing wrong withSome good old fashioned summer loveThe wind is stillWe feel the thrillOf our hearts beating fastOur skin is burningAs we’re yearningTo feel each other’s touchWhen the moon comes roundIt don’t matterWe’ll light up a fireBy the oceanI’ll have the best viewOf your beautiful eyesNow I wish I could stop the world from spinningCause I don’t wanna lost this feelingWhen this season endsWill we meet each other againI never said we’d lastNo promises madeNone brokenHe said that she saidSomebody’s getting away with murderI said that you saidDon’t worry, just sing it againThank you for listening to episode 46 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Unhealthy emotional attachments (2009-2011) 22.10.2025 12min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. The couple of songs I’m going to play today are both songwriting exercises. Therefore they are not about any one pers on in particular. For the most part, they are thematically inspired by the general emotions I felt during these events, but pulled from interactions with multiple people.This first song is about the many connections, however short or insignificant, that I was still not over during the time of writing. At that age, because I didn’t have space to explore interpersonal romantic relationships, I didn’t learn how to process emotional pain and discomfort at all. Which resulted in me having very unhealthy attachment issues going forward. Sometimes not being able to let go of something that’s not good for me and sometimes being totally heartless and emotionally detached. Emotional intelligence was not something that was nurtured or encouraged in my upbrining - only practical survival, financial literacy, and getting by. Which makes sense because how can people who have zero emotional intelligence teach emotional intelligence? They can’t. So, how I processed emotions and navigating relationships was something I had to learn for myself out in the streets and it was a horrible experience; and I wished that I had older people in my life that helped me growing up as a teenager and as a young adult, instead of judging me and only giving me conditional affection and support. I wrote this song when I was 19 and at the time I didn’t realise how much help, professional or personal support, I actually needed. Reading and singing back the 2nd verse of this song, I didn’t realise that I was actually literally crying out for help and not just rhyming. It’s weird looking back at it now and seeing the signs very clearly. Did I ever ask for help irl? No. But music was the only way I knew how to deal with it. This song is called Hurting For You Still. Written on the 3rd of March 2011.110303 Hurting For You StillHello there handsomeOh, all these strangers know our story nowFor you are all i ever sing aboutNeedless to say you inspire meCome whatever mayYou are just perfectYou make me feel like I’m so worthlessYou’ve got a new loverShe’s okay, I guessIf you’re into princessesAnd dainty little damsels in distressWhat would you sayIf I told you I have missed you all these days?What would you thinkIf I said my love for you still exists?What would you doIf I just ignored you coy and cool?How would you feelIf you knew I’m hurting for you still?Oh, help me cupidI should let go of him, I’m stupidHe’d never want me like beforeOr lay next to me on the floor againHe doesn’t even remember me anymoreOh Mr. Feel GoodHelp me explain what’s been misunderstoodI didn’t mean to cause commotionThe Doctor of Love won’t give me potions|To help me numb out all emotionsSomebody help meSo maybe I’llSee you again in five years’ timeMaybe by then you’ll have a wifeYou’ll have it goodYou’d live your lifeAnd I would have nothing but these rhymesAlways alone by the end of the nightSomebody help meThe next one is another song that is about the process of missing past romantic connections and being unhealthily attached to them for longer than I should have been because, as a young person, I was not given the emotional and mental toolkit to get through the regular lifecycle of crushes starting, going through it, and ending with broken hearts. Writing-wise, I had a lot of fun experimenting with this when I was 17 and I still have a lot of fun singing this every now and then. Which is funny because this is supposed to be a sad song. This is My Baby. I wrote it on the 30th of May 2009. 090530 My BabyMy baby’s got me cryin’Cause she walked out that doorMy baby ain’t my baby anymoreCause she’s got some other girlSee, my baby used to be mineBut she found somebody newWithout my baby I haven’t got a clueNow I’ve got nothin’ left to loseMy baby’s got me feelin’ downShe’s got me feelin’ blueMy baby left me with a frownEvery sign of deceit was the truthSee, my baby said she’d stay with meBut now she’s fading awayWithout my baby I am lost for wordsBut there is still so much left to sayMy baby took my appetiteSo, now I feel so hollow insideMy baby took away the lightNow every day’s an endless nightSee, my baby was my whole damn lifeAnd I cannot even put up a fightIf my baby no longer wants meThen I’ll go but one day she will be sorryMy baby hasMy baby and I are doneMy baby left a messAnd I still haven’t moved on to the nextSee, my baby still lives in my dreamsEven though it has been three whole yearsWithout my baby I’m emotionless and hardNow I’m living my life with no sight, no heartThank you for listening to episode 44 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Neglectful relationships (2005-2009) 17.10.2025 13min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. It’s a beautiful day today here in Melbourne .. It’s allegedly set to be 30 degrees later in the arvo. That is my jam. I thrive in the heat and shrivel up in the winter. Anything colder than 25 degrees is freeeeezing to me.So, I’m quite happy about that but it is very much in contrast to this first song I had planned to play today. This one’s a bit of a Debbie Downer about the impact of a neglected relationship. It’s called Zoe, Mona Lisa. I wrote it on the 3rd of October 2005 when I was 14 years old… Jeez I was a sad ass kid. 051003 Zoe, Mona LisaZoe lights a lamp for himGuiding the wayLeaving traces for when he decides to go back homeZoe dances ‘round his armsFeeling ecstasyShe loves him so much and he can’t let go eitherThey deserve each otherZoe is his Mona LisaHe touches her curves and she smilesThey sway with the rhythmBut they trip on the way to paradiseZoe has her name on his heartShe carved it on herselfBut if he had a chance would he still hold her tightOr would he let her go as they meltZoe chooses himOut of the million soldiers from the crowdThis queen will never loseTo fight she seems to chooseTo fight for his loveOh Zoe. oh ZoeOh Zoe, you’re breaking his heartYou’re taking him away from meYou’re taking him away from meDragging him away from meOohOh Zoe, you’re his Mona LisaZoe, he’s touching your curves and you smileYou sway to the rhythm, my rhythmBut you trip on the wayOn the way to paradiseZoe is the reason he’s goneShe’s got the attention that used to be mineShe blesses his soulShe’s a blessing to himBut to my eyes she’s a devil in disguiseWe’re nearing the end of this first season of Every Song and I almost forgot about this next song I wrote that I had in my archives. So, I’m going to play it now. It’s called Not the One, written on the 12th of March 2009. Oh yes, side note: this is only season 1 and I’ve got a season 2 planned already of Every Song.090312 Not the OneYou’ll say sorry, I’ll probably believe youBut I still won’t careI’ll be waiting, you probably won’t even say itBut I’ll still be hereAnd every time I speakI’ll be fighting temptationsNot to let your name fall out of my mouthCause ever since I’ve been on my ownI’ve been fighting these battles that I’ve already lostAnd I’m on my kneesBegging you pleasePlease wait for meAnd I swear to GodI am notI am not falling in loveOh I need to take my timeI need to slow it downBefore I lose controlOr I’ll end up breaking both our heartsI won’t have any other choiceOh you’re not the oneI can feel it insideBut you could be the oneTo lead me to the lightWe need to come back down from our highWe gotta settle back down into our daily livesThank you for listening to episode 43 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Dating-Mormon-Guys phase in the 2000's (2010) 10.10.2025 6min

  Every Song 42Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them. Oh my God. I’ve been feeling incredibly run down lately. I’ve gotten sick again. This time between the move plus I got my period at the same bloody time and it’s been rough. I feel like I’ve been sick a lot this year and I only usually get sick like once a year before the Covids must have done a number on me. I think my body, being bogged down with stress, with the move and work and all that, is just like what the f**k is going on and my immune system has just given up on me lately. So, I’m keeping this episode short and sweet again today with one song only.This is a song I wrote on the 21st of October 2010. Around this time, in the cusp of the first and second decade of the millennia, there was this strange phenomenon that happened between my girls and I: we were—I think about 3 or 4 of us—randomly dating Mormon dudes. All unrelated; all don’t have any connection each other; from different churches; from different cities (well - as far as we know they don’t knoow each other). I wrote this song I’m about to play for you all about the Mormon guy I randomly dated in this era. I keep saying random because everytime I look back at it I just wonder what the hell going on? What the hell was in the water at that time. Did all the hot Mormon guys get told by their churches to go out there to date a bunch of unsuspecting Catholic girls in a mission to convert us?It was a strange experience, to say the least, because from the data that I’ve gathered from my girls that were also dating these random hot Mormon dudes, there was this common issue —and this was not a surprise at all; this is a very common thing that they do and it still happens now— where these guys would all profess their love and infatuation with us, get us all hooked, and then pull away as much as they can and as fast as they can. Classic lovebombing. But back in those days, the term lovebombing wasn’t a thing. I’m glad we have a label for it now actually. Anyway, it was almost like a bait - or a free trial where they say, “Oh, you want this kind of relationship? You’re going to need to convert.” And straight up, f**k that. This is called A Shot in the Dark. 101021 A Shot in The DarkIt’s all or nothing with himBut I’m choosing nothing to begin withCause I hear nothing lasts foreverI cannot breathe without himI would rather pretendBut it’s up to him so for now we’re just friendsWe’re falling oh so fastLetting go of the pastIt’s ecstasy but will this even last?I’m feeling the adrenaline rushBurning the thickest of my walls to dustBut he won’t let me love himWith all my heartHe won’t let me love himIt’s a shot in the darkI’m tamed but I’m still wantingEverything from him, we startedOut like we were supposed toA couple of kidsWho don’t know where we’re heading toUp and down and left and right andAll the way back to the corner of my mindThat he occupiedTwenty four seven, three six fiveSo, when he leaves this townTo spread good news aroundI’ll be waitingCause I know soon he’ll be homeward boundThank you for listening to episode 42 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Depression in my early teens (2005-2006) 07.10.2025 7min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behidn them.Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, called Run.060917 RunWhat did I tell you ‘bout it nowDidn’t I tell you to forgetI have every reason to let you goOne thing I do remember nowIs what this b******t’s all aboutI’m all out of reason to let you knowThat/Cause I’m running out of timeRunning out in spaceRunning away from youAnd I’m running out of placesTo run around intoI’m running out of things to doI’m just running back to youWhat was the last thing that I saidBefore I turned around insteadOf putting back the piecesOf what has shattered into seventyDon’t you remember when I leftDidn’t I leave you in your bedTurn over the pageAnd see what’s left for meWhat did you sayWhat did you sayTo make me go awayI can’t rememberThough I can’t forgetThe things you saidTo make me go awayI’m awayI’m away nowI’m away from youI wrote Run on the 17th of September 2006 as a songwriting exercise.The other song in this episode I am going to play today is one that is quite special to me. I wrote it when I was 13 and was going through depression. It’s basically me beginning to question what it means to have comfort and be comforted; beginning to question what there is to be scared of in life; and beginning to question what it means to be relieved of suffering.This is My Angel, written on the 15th of January 2005.050115 My AngelYou heard me crying overYour sick and stupid liesYou had me losing grip ofMy own broken smileFace death in one whole dayBut don’t leave me hereI’m watching my own angelDescending down on meMy angels lets me knowThat it’s impossible to feelI’m waiting for my angelTo arrive and set me freeMy angel lets me knowThat there is nothing left to fearMy angel only comes down for meRevealing the secrets of my mysterySinging meMy vivid lullabyThank you for listening to episode 41 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Incredibly sad songs (2008) 05.10.2025 5min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.In today’s episode I have a couple of sad songs to play. Boohoo… This first one is called The Remedy, written on the 9th of September 2008.080909 The RemedyHave you ever been so unhappyYou’ve felt paralysedHave you ever been so angryThat you could kill the next personTo look you in the eyesWell I’m just the type of girlWho’d walk the talk and contemplateAnd erase memories from my mindTo get you out of my wayAnd I’m okayGoodbye, goodbye, goodbye to youI wish you everything but the bestFor whoever youAre gonna play around with nextThis beaten, broken heart of mineDrowning in defeatOh it’s too hard to find the perfect remedyOh the remedyWatching everything fade awayLosing interest in livingWatching myself fall everydayI just can’t stand what I’m seeingBaby wishing you were here to hug meA true love’s epitomeHow could I let you push me aroundTwisting, turning, tumblingAnd I’m alrightAbout a month after writing that, I wrote this next one. Another sad sad sad love song. Just like the songs in the last episode, it’s weird playing one of these songs without playing the other. They are just a pair - they can’t be seperated - they must exist together.This is You’re Never Coming Back, written on the 15th of October 2008.081015 You’re Never Coming BackI’ve had barely any sleepFor the past two yearsBut when I did you were alwaysThe only thing in my dreamsThe memories still lingerLong after you’ve been goneSo the thought of you inspiredThis sweet little songSummer’s just around the corner againSo maybe if I hollerYou would look and swing my wayBut I’m not going downI won’t succumb to temptationsI’m trying to move onBut I can’t get rid of this emotionsYou’re never coming backSo, why can’t that get through my headI’m growing fonder in your absenceYou’re never coming backBut I’ll be waiting anywayI wish that you would have just stayedIt’s been awhile since I’ve seen your faceI can still remember the last time, the date, the placeNow not a day passes me byWithout you occupying my mindI’d drown in shallow watersIf you hadn’t taught me how to swimHow to swim out of affectionWhen love is bothering meI don’t live a dayWithout, without, without me thinking about youThank you for listening to episode 40 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Song that just belong together (2005) 03.10.2025 13min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.In this episode I’m playing three songs that I wrote within just a few days of each other. Similar to last week’s episode 34. And also similarly to another bunch of songs, episode 15, to be precise, I will play these songs back to back.These three songs just collectively belong together. It feels weird for me to play one of these without playing the others. So, in a way I feel like they were meant to be a medley. Especially because they were all songwriting exercises so I can keep mastering my craft.The first song is called Desperate, written on the 18th of September 2005. The second is titled Scars are Hard to Find, written on the 23rd of September 2005. And, the last one is called Heart (Missing Your Smile), written on the 26th of September 2005.050918 DesperateI’m crying now but you can’t seeI’m falling down on this epiphanyI’m crazy enough to make up storiesHow desperate am I to make you love meA day, a nightI’ll be holding on to you tightBut soon I’ll be letting goCause soon enough I know you’ll be goneI adore you but you don’t know I existA single confessionDoesn’t that just meanYou are my obsessionI’m crazy enough to make up storiesHow desperate am I to make you love meI’m lying, I’m lyingI’m a liarBut I’m dying, I’m dyingYou are my controlI can’t make you love meBut this is the closest placeI’ll get to your soulYou make me feel like fallingLike falling050923 Scars are Hard to FindThere’s just so much I wanna tell youSo much I wanna shareBut babe the reason that I leftIs because I felt so scaredIt’s common with heartbreak(s)But scars are hard to findWe hardly ever talk nowBut still your words sound kindThe tone of your voice is rareI hear you babyBut I just can’t see you anywhereI’ve stood in front of peopleBut never under the spotlightWhy don’t you let me love youFeelin’ out of my mindAnd after the sun setsI’ll be missing youAnd when the morning comesI’ll be breaking downBut the minute the dark shows upWill you be here to wish me luckYou have somebody who loves youLoves you as much as I doYou just can’t feed through my sacrificeYou’re my everything babyYou’re my life050926 Heart (Missing Your Smile)I’m calling you upBut I know you’re not homeI’m knocking on your doorThough I know you’re not even homeAre you even coming backWill you be here when summer startsHeart, I’ll be missing your smileHeart, I’ll be missing your smileHeartI’m driving by our old lovers laneAnd I’m not getting anything off itNo memories, no warm kissesNot even the feeling of itEverything’s faded awayUntil the very next dayI’m gonna be, I’m just gonna beI’ll be loving youAnd until the day we meet againI’m gonna be, I’m just gonna beFeeling this burn in my heartHeart, I’m just missing you badHeart, I’m just missing your smileHeart, I’m just missing you nowHeart, I’m just missing your smileThank you for listening to episode 39 of Every Song. I hope you enjoyed that. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Migrating, escape, and greener pastures (2007-2020) 01.10.2025 10min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.The songs for today are ones I wrote and dedicated to one day putting money where my mouth is and actually moving! I woke up today in a brand new country. I actually did it.We flew into Naarm from Tāmaki Makaurau last night to live here somewhat permanently. I actually don’t know how long my boyfriend and I are going to live here for, we just know that we don’t plan on looking back to a life of low wages and no ass job opportunities back there. So, we’ve up and left to seek greener pastures literally anywhere else in the world.Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, fantasising about an escape. It is called Distance, written on the 5th of July 2007.070705 DistanceDistance, here I comeNo matter how far you areI’ll be keeping track of the distance I have goneDistance, expect me soonI’ll be coming after youMaybe it’s not too late before I break down and suffocateI’m out of place, I’m out of loveDon’t tell me anymore, I’ve had enoughI’d know your face, I’d know your smileSo distance I’m getting in line just for youDistance save a spaceFor my belongings and myselfI promise I’ll pay you backFor every night and day that I stayDistance, open the door pleaseI know there’s room for insideI didn’t travel this far south for nothingI don’t want to waste my timeIs it wise to run awayThink twice I’ll be okayDistanceI’ll be chasing after youWhile I’m being chased by my bluesDistanceThat whole song is still true to its original form. I wrote is as is back then and I’ve never really touched it or amended it - not even much of the vocal melodies.The other one I wanted to play in this episode is yet another one I wrote during the Covid lockdown, the first wave. This one is more about the kind of place, or world, that I would like to live in, rather than just a literal location or just the vague concept of escape. It’s about what kind of community and social connectivity I would like to see in the future. It’s called That’s Where I Hope To Be, written on the 11th of May 2020.200511 That’s Where I Hope to BeWhere the desert meets the snowfallWhere wild spirits soar freeWhere light cannot cast shadowsWhere knowledge is a treeWhere woman was not temptedWhere man does as he needsWhere children grow as giantsWhere all love how they pleaseThat’s where I hope to beWhere no agendas hideWhere magic does existWhere life after death welcomesWhere sisterhood persistsWhere water is respectedWhere wine sobers the drunkWhere worship and praise fail to fishWhere mercy lowers gunsWhere the dirt electrifiesWhere the sun befriends the seaWhere the wind blows as it wishesThat’s where I’m going to beThat’s where I hope to beThank you for listening to episode 38 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Pretty privilege (2007-2020) 30.09.2025 6min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.The first song today is called Solution - Conclusions. I wrote this on the 7th of March 2007.070307 Solution - ConclusionsOnce again I failTo hide but you can tellThat I’ve outdone myselfWith bidding you farewellOh sure you want to hearThe reasons why but I fearThat you won’t understandThis isn’t what I plannedTell me what’s enoughIf it’s enough to love youTell me what it takesFor you to give me a breakTell me what to doWithout making me look like a foolGive me a solutionCome on baby let’s not jump to conclusionsI woke up thinkingI’ve had enough dreamingAbout you and me togetherIn my headIt was mid-November againAnd we were staring at the skiWondering how long we would lastHere’s another one I wrote during Covid lockdown. I’m pretty sure this was during the first wave of lockdowns here in Aotearoa.It’s quite an introspective, raw, honest song for me. Recall, it was a time when we were just locked up inside the house and it forced me to reflect a little bit about myself. It’s not the most polished song that I have whatsoever, it’s just one that I wrote during a very tender time for me and, I guess, the world.This song is called Pretty Girl, written on the 21st of May 2020.200521 Pretty GirlI get away with a lotBecause I’m a pretty girlAnd I always get thingsI don’t necessarily deserveBut when I was youngI had to learn how to be funnyCause I wasn’t lovedI was an immigrant and chubbyMade the boys laughMade my mama cryI just wanted to fit inBut nowI get away with a lotBecause I’m a pretty girlAnd I always get thingsI don’t necessarily deserveSlowly I’m becomingThe woman I think I’m supposed to beNo longer wanna be a pretty girlWanna be a human firstI stopped eating whenI was 10I wanted to be thinI wanted friendsWho were cool and lived in sinI started to changeJust ignored the painDidn’t know who I becameWhat a shameSuch a beautiful faceWith an ugly mindWhat a shameSuch a beautiful faceWith an ugly lifeThank you for listening to episode 37 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Guilt and expecting a child (2005-2008) 29.09.2025 10min

  Every Song 36Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.This first song is one I wrote about the feeling of guilt when you end it with someone, even though you know it was the right thing to do. It’s actually about the same person that the first song in episode 10 was about, Patch Up a Friendship. It’s called Always.081101 AlwaysYou’re always so reliableAlways so indispensableBut I lost you, yes I didYou’re always right behind meEvery step I take you followBut I’m sorry, I’m so sorry thatI took your love for grantedAll I wanted was to show youThat I liked you, I admit itBut thanks for letting me knowThat you’ll always be hereAnd you’re always here to helpAnd you always will careBut I’m not sorry that I ever let you goSo much time on my handsBut not enough of plansI’m not sorry that I ever let you goAlwaysYou’re always unpredictableAlways so indescribableBut I like you, yes I doYou’re always gonna be the guyI fell for once upon a timeBut I’m sorry, I’m so sorry thatIt’s such a shame for us to end this wayBut now I can say I’ll never be the sameWhen all I ever wanted was for you to take it easy with meI never meant for us to partBut loving you was just too damn hardAnd if a heart calls for breakingThen broken it shall beBut if you’re there for the takingThen I’ll just set you free becauseI don’t wanna put you through the agonyOf having to be with meAnd I’m sorry that I took your love for grantedWhen all you ever wanted to showWas thatAlways was written on the 1st of November 2008.The next and last one for today is a POV song I wrote when I was 13. I say POV because you’ll hear in the lyrics it is obviously about expecting a child and I was not a 13-year-old mother. I got inspiration for this song from a temp social studies teacher we had at school - very beautiful, lovely, tall, pregnant woman. I have unfortunately forgotten her name and I no longer have any of my school year books, so I can’t even look her name up. But I remember she always wore a silver fish bone necklace. And if I remember correctly, she may have been blonde or light brunette, maybe. She used to talk to us about how excited she was to have her baby and her man whenever she would see us walking around at lunchtime and after class. It was really cute and I got really inspired by all that.Anyway, this song is called Let’s Chase Time. I wrote it on the 16th of July 2005.050726 Let’s Chase TimeLife is coming throughI’ll be spending time with you foreverLet’s chase time once againIt’s everything you do that makes me wonderYou are my songMy musicYou own my soulDon’t lose itI’m trying and it’s hardBut you’re everything I haveTime is running outAnd we’ll be exposed to thoseLittle eyes soonThey’ll be looking upSo we’ve got to act the best we couldYou’re everything I haveIt’s all up in my mindWe’ve untied all those things that were up in knotsLet’s chase time once againCause I’m feeling unfairI’m feeling uneasyThank you for listening to episode 36 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Sexy fantasies about priests (2020) 28.09.2025 4min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.This is a one-song episode. Keeping it short and simple today because I’ve still got so much to do with moving admin and I’m running around like a headless chicken these days.Here is a song I wrote during the Covid lockdown of August 2020. It’s about (how do I say this without being creepy?) my weird little sexy fantasy about men who have taken religious vows. Priests, I might say.This song is also imagined within a world of fairy tales, forbidden love, heroes and villains, and the ultimate fantasy of running away together and having that happily ever after.It’s called Man of the Cloth, written on the 16th of August 2020.200816 Man of the ClothHow do I balanceHow do I flyHow do I swim throughThe ocean tidesThe foam on the waves likeBubbles in my bathI be the problemYou do the mathI’m no LolitaNothing older menHas ever had to offerBeen good in the endOnly thing boys canBring to the tableIs the audacityAnd they are enabledI been the villainAll alongHaving an affair withA man of the clothAnd if we couldWe would goSomewhere only we knowSearching for meaningSearching for lightSearching for rulesI won’t even abide byAnd for all my faultsI blame the starsI am how I amCause of my natal chartWishing I could travel backWish more power for my craftWishing wishes were just thatCause my manifestation game is wackBut I know deep down I’m theMost magical b***h I’ve ever seenAnd with him right next to meThere is nothing I cannot beHe’s been the heroAll alongFallen in love withA black swanAnd if we couldWe would goSomewhere only we knowThank you for listening to episode 35 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  Mastering writing the same songs over and over again (2007) 27.09.2025 15min

  Every Song 34Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behidn them.I’ve got three songs I want to play today. I wrote them all within a few days of each other at the start of 2007.Let’s start with this one. It’s called Trust, written on the 1st of January 2007. The first day of the new year.070101 TrustRemember yesterday when we thought we were in loveI’m not surprised that we’ve fallen in and out of it so fastI’m not surprised that we’ve fallen so hard from aboveRight now I’m trying so hard to leave you in the pastBut all I end up doing is painting pictures in my headOf where we could be right now, hope this isn’t really the endDon’t just ignore the fences that we need to mendIt’s so sad, so sad, so sadOh I secretly still want you aroundBut I’ve pushed you away nowAnd there’s no turning back nowToo bad that we’ve agreed there’d be no second roundBut it’s alrightI think I was right to let you goRemember yesterday when different paths were calling our nameWe’ve lost our love, now we will lose everything elseI took the right hand turn, while you walked away to the leftIf you think I’ve said too much then imagine what is left unsaidTrust, trust baby, I need your trustTrust, trust baby, you don’t have mineI’m sorry, sorry baby, I’ve really triedTo trust, trust you but I’m in denialAnd if we don’t have trust then we don’t have anything elseBut since neither of us is losingThen I’m sure we’ll winEach other’sTrust, trust baby, I’m sure in timeWe’ll be trusting each otherYou and IThe songs in this episode fall under the category of ‘Songs about X’. It was just a few weeks after all that ended. Emotions were still a bit raw. Also, it was the school holidays - over Christmas and New Year’s - so, there was plenty of time for me to endulge my emotions.And I wanted to keep playing with the same chords and structures a bit to master how to write around them. It helped that the same subject encompassed all three songs. It was a good opportunity to master writing around that key and format and emotion for release.I refer to that in the lyrics in the bridge of this next song. I always have fun singing this one. It’s called Plain and Simple.070107 Plain and SimpleIt’s not that I don’t careIt’s just that it’s not fairThat you’re moving on before meAt least it’s not that much of a messIt’s not that I’m not over youIt’s just that everytime I hear your newsI imagine her in your armsDid I mean so much lessOnce I loved youBut now I’m just missing your kisses and the heatI don’t really hate youI just want to know the truthDid you really/even love meAre you getting any sleepI hope you don’t hate me, make me, do me then break meI’m so much wiser now, weaker, harder to getBut now I’ve got a clueAnd I know just what to do with youJust before you tell herThat you love her more than the worldPlease remember what you told meJust before I left you that dayAnd just before you seal the dealWith her with a kissPlease remember all the promisesWe’ve made and broken again and againNow I’m running out of creativityEvery single song sounds the sameEvery topic’s just about you and meEvery chord progression that wayI’m screwing up, writer’s blockTrying so damn hard every dayWhen all I really want to say isI want you backPlain and simpleJust like thatPlain and Simple was written on the 7th of January 2007.And just a few days after that, I wrote this song called The Time to Think. Same same but different.070110 The Time To ThinkI have had the time to thinkSince we’ve been apartAnd maybe you were right to leaveBut baby from the startCupid struck me in the eyeAnd blinded me for lifeThough I’d always known I’d see the dayThat you and I would say goodbyeAnd I should have listened to my brotherWhen he saidDon’t go for it if it’s not foreverAnd I should have obeyed my mother and fatherTo never fall in love with a strangerNow I’m too hurtIt’s a bullet to the brainI’m scarred for lifeAnd I cannot pretendI’ve lost the will to liveWithout you even as a friendI don’t ever wanna see youCause I know I’ll fall in love againNow I understand if you don’t wannaTalk to me anymore babeI mean, I practically slammed the doorRight in your faceAnd I know how much you hate to show the painBut just for once could you let me knowIf you careThank you for listening to episode 34 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com
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  The scandalous teenage girl trope of dating younger guys (2009) 26.09.2025 8min

  Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.Now, I am about 2 weeks or so behind on my scheduled posting because it’s been hectic planning moving overseas, getting our affairs in order and such as. But I managed to find some time this afternoon after work and now I’m recording this episode.For today, I’m only going to be playing one song I wrote in 2009 when I was 17. This song is about one of the core girl experiences which is… being so taken by a guy who’s a bit younger than you! Well, only 2 years younger but listen, I know you all know that when you’re still in high school being a 17-year-old senior girl suddenly hanging out during lunchtime and after school with a 15-year-old guy in your younger sister’s class was scandalous.The lyrics in this song are pretty straight forward and tells the story about how this guy basically charmed me and got me. I remember Valentine’s Day of 2009, he got me a rose - and not just any rose. See, this boy knew I like flowers but that I wasn’t too fond of anything too colourful, so he got a single plastic rose and then coloured each of the petals in with black marker. There was only one petal that wasn’t fully coloured in because the marker was running out of ink, he said, and so he just drew a little Metallica star on it. (We were both Metallica fans). And to this day, it has been one of the funniest and cutest things a guy has ever gifted me on Valentine’s Day. I don’t much remember any other Valentine’s gifts I’ve received, even from long-term boyfriends in my adulthood, but that, I remember because of the thoughtfulness and the bit of effort. We actually also had matching friendship rings too. He is who I wrote, Promise, the second song in episode two about.Plot twist (not really) after a couple of weeks or so he one day dumped me to go pursue things with another girl. It was one of the girls in his friendgroup. She used to go to our school but she dropped out. Also a childhood friend of my little sister. I do really like this girl, she’s quite nice and I still only have nice things to say about her. However, that whole thing was pretty hurtful. I moved on pretty quickly because I could not be mad at them. They were still little cuties. Some time passes and they didn’t even last long. We all remained friendly and cordial in the next couple of years. Happily ever after type s**t where everyone just kinda gets on with life as it is.This song is called House of Heartache. I wrote it on the 14th of April 2009.Also, a quick reminder, that the names in my songs are never real names. They are usually pseudonyms that just rhyme. Otherwise, a name that is relevant to the situation.090414 House of HeartacheConstantine was just fifteenWhen he got a hold of meI know right now he’s just fineBut I still wish he could be mineNow I’m standing at his doorAnxious, looking at the floorWhat the hell am I here forBurnt and blackened to the coreI used to love you beforeAnd I am just a drama queenAlways making a big sceneEverybody looks at meBut nothing’s ever as it seemsSo I’ll be starting up a riotWhile the town is still quietNoone’s ever gonna buy itBut my heart, I cannot deny itMy heart loved you and you dropped itEverything’s the matterDelicate and tenderBut I will not surrenderIn this house of heartacheI shall lay and ponderReminisce and wonderI’d rather not rememberThe house of heartacheLight Connie has grown upAnd all those scars, oh they’re enoughTo put my mind and soul at easeI’ll wait ‘til May the fourth at the leastI can be as difficultI can turn away againHe can cry to his best friendTammy’s just too f*****g perfectTammy’s in war but she’s cluelessSo I’m giving upBut I’ll keep the ringI’ll wear it ‘til I’m in my graveAnd speaking of the devilShe can burn in heavenSeven days, eleven nightsI’ve broken down and criedI wish you could seeJust how much you meant to meMy heart loved you and you dropped itThank you for listening to episode 33 of Every Song. Until next time. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit cleoandtheleos.substack.com