Why She Stayed

Epizodai

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  98: What Change Does Not Look Like & How to Test Them 15.09.2026 47min

  How do you know when an abuser’s “change” is actually just another form of control?In this episode, I break down the clear signs that an abusive person is not truly changing, including real text messaging examples and behaviors you may see after leaving.I also talk about how you can respond in a way that gives you greater clarity and helps you recognize a stream of clues that the change is performative or temporary. We’ll talk about using boundary setting as a tool for yourself (not because you expect a coercive controller to respect your boundary indefinitely), but because a boundary can create a marker for YOU to refer back to. Their response to that boundary can give you a stream of new evidence to help you remain focused while you are away from them.If you’re struggling to determine whether someone is truly changing or simply changing tactics, this episode is for you.Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select - use code GRACE for a discount.Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence Article: https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/Quotes used from the book "Why Does He Do That" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  97: The #1 Thing You Must Know About Abuse For a Lasting Breakthrough 02.09.2026 32min

  If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside. Write These Questions DownAs you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:What is the function?What outcome is this producing?Why does this work?What about this is effective?How does this destabilize me?What is the sentence designed to do?What is the impact on me?How does this erode my clarity?These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”That shift can change everything.Aimee Says Link: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=graceUse Code "GRACE" for a discount.Schedule a 1:1 with me here: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw_aem_HJGz5_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  96: "You’re Making an Elephant Out of a Mosquito" 25.08.2026 1val 25min

  In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.We also unpack:Why we sometimes wish our abuser would do something obvious enough to finally give us permission to leave.How early lack of commitment can look like the opposite of control, making us chase harder and overlook warning signs.“Why are you making me out to be the bad guy?” / “You think I’m some kind of monster?” / “Why do you always assume the worst of me?”How phrases like “You’re making an elephant out of a mosquito” turn legitimate concerns into evidence that we are the problem.Why physical abuse is so often accompanied by an explanation: “I didn’t slam the door on you—you didn’t move.” “I didn’t kick you—you walked into my foot.” “I wasn’t pushing you—I was trying to calm you down.”How an impending exit date can change an abuser’s behavior—less arguing, more emotional withdrawal, and a relationship that suddenly appears “peaceful,” making you question whether leaving is really necessary.Links & Codes:Aimee Says Code: Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select"If He Hit Me I Would Leave" Poem: https://emmarosebyham.substack.com/p/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-himGuest's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/wednesdaysamantha/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  95: I Had to Become Ruthless to Stay Gone: For the Person Who Keeps Leaving and Going Back 18.08.2026 1val 32min

  Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.In this episode, we talk about:Why repeated leaving and returning can create a deep distrust in yourself.How isolation can make you feel that talking to your family “too much” is strange or abnormal.How she began hiding the truth from friends and family in an attempt to reclaim autonomy over her own decisions.The mind game of believing, “If I can just be perfect enough, maybe we can get back to how things were in the beginning.”How abusers capitalize on partial truths and technicalities to shift blame and make you question your own reality.Why focusing on the technical details of an incident can make you completely miss the larger pattern of coercive control.And finally, what changed when Ali became ruthless about staying gone.Guest details are private for now, but listeners can DM me on @whyshestayedpodcast on Instagram if you would like to request to message Ali. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  94: Aubree's Story | PART 2 11.08.2026 1val 30min

  Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 93: In Honor of Kymani: Aubree's Story | PART 1 04.08.2026 1val 6min

  Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?In this episode of Why She Stayed, Aubree shares the story of the timespan leading up to the unimaginable tragedy that left her paralyzed and forever changed her life. While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep 92 Abusers Don't Lose Control- They Deploy It: with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code 28.07.2026 1val 10min

  I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.In this conversation, we cover:Why abusers don’t lose control—they deploy it.Why coercive control is built through a million tiny threads that eventually become a rope.How abusers intentionally use "low-cost" methods of control that leave no bruises but dramatically reshape your behavior.How abusers get you to control yourself.Why the phrase “He never hit me” can keep survivors from recognizing an abusive relationship.How looking at abuse one incident at a time prevents you from seeing the system of control operating underneath it.Why abuse is like a pig wearing different colors of lipstick—the tactics change, but the function remains the same.If you’ve ever questioned your own experience because there wasn’t one “big enough” event, this episode is for you.Guest Links and Resources:Lindsay's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_control_code/Lindsay's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_control_codeLindsay's SubStack: https://substack.com/@thecontrolcodeLindsay's Coercive Control Guides: https://linktr.ee/TheControlCode?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGnCAZZI0BG0_X3rb4H7PS00yhJ3cAaZlTXiZ4Fi2zTweMMAbCGRy79jdMi_aQ_aem_lzeUgb-UjxBaVXAmpyJlaATopics: coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, manipulation, trauma, survivor education, relationship red flags, coercive control patterns, Lindsay Stoker, The Control Code. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 91: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Coercive Control 21.07.2026 1val 11min

  If I could sit across from the woman I was back then, these are the 20 things I would tell her.In this episode of Why She Stayed, I reflect on my own experience of coercive control and share the lessons I wish someone had taught me while I was still living inside the confusion.In this episode, we unpack topics like:Why I found myself doing things that looked “sketchy” from the outside- like deleting text messages with friends and family- and how those behaviors were adaptations to coercive control.What an abuser is often trying to accomplish when he repeatedly says, “I would never hit a woman,” and why that statement can become part of a much larger manipulation strategy.How an abuser will say "this is just their personality" as a way to avoid accountability.Why constantly breaking up with you and pulling you back in is a powerful form of intermittent reinforcement that can create an addictive trauma bond.The hidden psychological dynamics that make intelligent, capable women stay in relationships they never imagined they’d tolerate.And 20 hard truths I wish I had understood years earlier.Whether you’re currently questioning your own relationship, trying to make sense of one you’ve already left, or supporting someone you love, this episode will help you understand coercive control in a way that goes far beyond the stereotypes of abuse.Grace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 90: What if I'm Wrong About Everything?: Why AI Helps Survivors Feel Sane: Aimee Says 14.07.2026 47min

  What if you’re wrong about everything?It’s one of the most haunting questions survivors of coercive control ask themselves after years of psychological manipulation.In this episode of Why She Stayed, I sit down with Anne Wintemute, founder of AimeeSays, to unpack how blame-shifting rewires your thinking… and how abusers create the illusion of freedom, making you believe you can leave at any time while trapping you inside an invisible cage that’s nearly impossible to prove even to yourself.Learn more about AimeeSays here: ⁠www.AimeeSays.comUse code: GRACE for a discount on your Aimee subscription. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep.89: The Damage of Chronic Deception 07.07.2026 1val 11min

  Brand new episode! This is a never-before-heard conversation.I’m joined by author Cora Leyderman, author of Meet Me at the Well, as she shares the story of her previous marriage to a pathological liar. While many people picture abuse as physical violence or obvious intimidation, Cora’s experience looked very different. Her husband’s primary tactics were relentless deception, psychological manipulation, and subtle patterns of control that left her questioning her own reality.If you’ve ever wondered whether emotional and psychological abuse can exist without physical violence, or if you’ve questioned your own experiences, this conversation offers insight and validation.Be sure to check out the links below to grab Cora’s book, Meet Me at the Well, and follow her on social media to learn more about her work and continue supporting her mission:Cora's Book: https://www.amazon.com/Meet-Me-Well-Coralia-Leyderman/dp/B0GDJF28ZZCora's Instagram: @1restoration_road Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 87: (Re-Release) Lundy Bancroft Interview: Why Does He Do That? 17.03.2026 59min

  This episode originally aired on May 13, 2025.Brand new episode will be released on Tuesday, March 24th.Lundy Bancroft is the author of the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" as well as many other books and has worked extensively in batterer intervention programs. He has over 30 years of experience working with abusive men and their families and is a leading voice in the field of domestic abuse and advocacy.For Lundy's books, recourses, and more visit his website at: https://lundybancroft.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 86: What If I Ruin His Life?- The Fear, the Grooming, and the People Who Said She'd Destroy Him. 24.02.2026 1val 21min

  Lindsey shares the story of how her relationship slowly turned into something she didn’t recognize as abuse.What began as the gradual normalization of cheating became a pattern of psychological grooming. Over time, he reframed betrayal as “normal,” rewrote reality, and convinced her she was the one causing harm.He even faked medical emergencies- claiming she was causing him physical suffering from "stress" to keep her catering to him and feeling responsible for his well-being. Every conflict somehow became her fault. Every consequence felt like she was “ruining his life.”When the abuse escalated and arrest became a possibility, people around her warned, “What if you ruin his life?” — reinforcing the guilt he had already carefully planted.Lyndsey's IG: @lyndseyh6723Her Podcast IG: @living.inthe.aftermathWhere she serves on the board: @therefugeutah Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 85: Twist, Blame, Repeat 10.02.2026 1val 37min

  In this episode, Kelly shares her experience of being in a relationship where reality was constantly twisted. Her abuser was skilled at blame-shifting, making her feel like she was the problem for asking reasonable questions, having needs, or expecting basic respect.What made it even more confusing was how differently he showed up to the rest of the world. Friends, family, and acquaintances saw someone charming, easygoing, and well-liked. That contrast left Kelly feeling isolated, disoriented, and unsure of her own perception.This conversation is especially for anyone who is standing on the edge of a major commitment (like a wedding) and your gut is telling you something isn’t right, this episode may help you feel less alone, less dramatic, and more grounded in your truth. Sometimes the hardest thing isn’t leaving—it’s trusting yourself enough to believe what you already know.Guest Information: Kelly's Instagram- @the.kellymichelleGrace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabeth @whyshestayedpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 84: Quiet Control: When Culture Masks Coercion 27.01.2026 1val 45min

  In this episode, Kelly shares her story of entering a relationship with a mild-mannered Arab Muslim doctor at a vulnerable point in her life, a time when she felt ungrounded and stuck in patterns of promiscuity. He positioned himself as a stabilizing force, framing the relationship as a way to “save” her from that path and introduce her to a more meaningful life.As the relationship deepened, elements of Islamic practice and cultural expectations were gradually introduced (after she was emotionally invested). This created confusion: was the growing control, restriction, and mistreatment rooted in cultural/ religious norms, or was it a result of his narcissistic and coercive personality?That uncertainty became one of the most powerful tools of manipulation.The episode closes with a powerful turning point: motherhood and a clear way out. Kelly shares how becoming a mother and a last-minute opened door clarified what she could no longer tolerate and ultimately gave her the strength to walk away- not just for herself, but for her child.Guest details not included in show notes. If you would like to get in touch with our guest, please DM me on Instagram @gracee__elizabethh Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 83: How Abuse Stripped Me of Myself 20.01.2026 1val 16min

  In this episode, Daniella shares her experience of being in a relationship marked by extreme intensity followed by sudden discard and abandonment. She opens up about how emotional abuse eroded her sense of self, fueled comparison and insecurity, and left her feeling like a shell of who she once was.Daniella also unpacks how her abuser used people outside the relationship to validate his false narrative- ultimately reversing victim and offender by obtaining a TRO to portray himself as the victim. This conversation sheds light on how manipulation, image-management, and psychological abuse operate beneath the surface.Daniella's Instagram: @daniellaxmcGrace's Instagram: @gracee__elizabethh Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 82: Facing Pain Head-On: The Only Way Is Through 13.01.2026 1val 7min

  In this powerful episode, I sit down with Kia Lee, author and survivor, as she shares her journey through domestic abuse and cancer—and what it means to keep creating hope while still living in the unknown.Kia opens up about the loneliness of clarity: that isolating moment when you see the truth of your situation before anyone else does. We talk about how life doesn’t pause for your pain- how the world keeps moving even when your own world feels like it has come to a complete stop.Together, we explore the power of discernment—learning to trust your inner knowing when circumstances, people, or even professionals cause you to doubt yourself.Kia speaks candidly about the necessity of facing pain head-on rather than avoiding it, and how doing so became a turning point in her healing.In this episode, we discuss:Living with clarity that others may not understandThe grief of watching the world move on while you’re standing stillDeveloping discernment and trusting your inner voiceWhy facing pain directly is essential to healingDomestic abuse, survival, and reclaiming your sense of selfMedical gaslighting and the importance of advocating for yourselfCreating hope while still in the unknownSponsor Links: Aimee Says: an AI Support That Understands Abuse - and Helps You Prove It.https://www.aimeesays.com/en/homeGet a free month's subscription with the code: WhySheStayedGuest Links: IG Handle @LighthouseSurvivorIG Handle 2: @namastenyc8https://kia-lee.com/Kia's part 1 episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2JwLe9pb9v3iU9gGGIvpjM?si=nraSVP5sQ5WicSq8sejilw Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 80: When The Unknown Feels Scarier & The Courage To Leave What You Know | with Stephanie Strickland 16.12.2025 1val 22min

  In this deeply honest episode, I sit down with abuse survivor and author Stephanie Strickland, whose new book Finding Peace Within shares her journey of survival, self-discovery, and healing.Stephanie opens up about how her abuser convinced her that she was the cause of the abuse—leading her to believe that if she could just be more perfect, more careful, or do everything “right,” the conflict would stop. She describes the exhausting cycle of walking on eggshells, constantly trying to manage another person’s emotions in order to stay safe.We talk about the painful pattern so many survivors recognize: periods that felt like a fairytale—full of hope, love, and promises—followed by moments when the darkness slowly crept back in. Not all at once, but subtly enough to make her question her own reality and hold onto hope that things would change again.One of the most profound parts of our conversation centers on fear of the unknown. Stephanie shares how there was a time when the unknown felt so terrifying that she believed she would rather die than leave. Staying in the abuse felt familiar—even if it was devastating—while stepping into uncertainty felt unbearable.Stephanie's Links: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamsdstrickland?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw==Website: https://www.stephaniedstrickland.com/Book: https://www.stephaniedstrickland.com/my-books Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 79: "He Gaslit Me So Sweetly" 09.12.2025 1val 28min

  In this survivor story, Tiffany opens up about the hidden layers of abuse she endured in her marriage- abuse she didn’t initially recognize. Growing up with a father who was a “standard yeller,” Tiffany assumed that abuse had to look loud and obvious. But her husband’s tactics were quieter, calculated, and far more confusing. Through gaslighting, and emotionally charged setups that left her yelling, he was able to make Tiffany feel unbalanced and “crazy,” all while maintaining a calm exterior.Tiffany shares how focusing on her husband’s drinking became a smokescreen that kept her from seeing the deeper issue: his abusive behavior and personality. We discuss how the messaging in Al-Anon (encouraging partners to examine their “control issues” and “character defects”) often reinforces an abuser’s narrative and shift responsibility onto the survivor.We also dive into how church counsel commonly misses the mark when addressing abuse. Tiffany explains how recommendations like “temporary separation” can actually aid the abusive partner by giving them a checklist to complete in order to regain access to the marriage, while the victim is framed as the one dismantling the family.This episode sheds light on the subtle, often invisible dynamics of emotional and psychological abuse- and the systems that unintentionally enable it. Tiffany’s story is a testament to the strength it takes to recognize abuse, break through confusion, and reclaim one’s reality.Guest details are private for now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 78: Help, I Can't Define My Experience! 25.11.2025 46min

  In this solo episode, we dive into one of the most overlooked reasons people remain stuck in abusive cycles: the inability to name what they’re experiencing. I explore how the lack of clear language- not just individually, but across society- keeps people confused, doubting themselves, and trapped far longer than they should be.We unpack the cultural habit of mislabeling harmful behavior, and how this reluctance to “call it what it is” creates conditions where abuse can thrive in plain sight. I break down why accurate terminology isn’t just semantics- but a lifeline.Together, we reframe abuse not as a spectrum where people try to measure what “counts,” but as an umbrella of behaviors rooted in the same belief system of entitlement, control, and disregard. By understanding abuse as a unified framework rather than a sliding scale, we remove the ambiguity that keeps so many people questioning their reality.Articles and writings mentioned: Maine Case: https://cbn.com/news/us/judge-orders-maine-mom-not-take-her-daughter-church-or-read-her-bibleAlyssa Wiest Article: https://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/local/michael-dutkiewicz-guilty-of-first-degree-murder-death-girlfirend/4287021/Ohio Article: https://nypost.com/2025/11/21/us-news/deranged-husband-kills-baby-wifes-7-year-old-and-the-boys-father-before-turning-gun-on-himself/Black Blouse Coercive Control: https://x.com/shadows_control/status/1805945219344486824?lang=en Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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  Ep. 77: The Threshold That Never Comes: The Ambiguity That Keeps Survivors Silent 18.11.2025 1val 21min

  In this episode, I sit down with Hannah to explore abuse that is intentionally designed to be unrecognizable. Hannah shares how her abuser strategically created gray areas and emotional ambiguity, making it almost impossible for her to pinpoint what was happening.She also talks about the “threshold” she carried in her mind- her preconceived idea of what “real abuse” was supposed to look like- and how her abuser deliberately stayed just below that line. This left her constantly second-guessing herself, blaming herself, and feeling unable to trust her own perception.Together, we unpack why this type of abuse is so confusing, how abusers use subtlety as a tactic, and the internal conflict survivors experience when their reality doesn’t match the stereotypes of abuse they’ve been taught.Guest information private for now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.