Playing With Fire

Episoder

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  251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment 18.07.2026 48min

  When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up.We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels like you or your partner is doing all the heavy lifting in the opening process, understanding this dynamic may be the key to helping you understand the feelings and patterns that are coming up in your relationship.In this episode, we talk about:— The trailblazer and follower dynamic and why it's so common in relationships opening up— How one partner often ends up carrying the emotional weight of "this was my idea"— Why the follower partner might experience guilt while the trailblazer experiences resentment (even when neither person voices these feelings)— What happens during "the flip" — when the reluctant partner suddenly starts thriving, and the initiating partner feels left behind— The dangerous trap of seeking "parity of outcome" and why symmetry in relationships is neither realistic nor necessary— How unexpressed resentment and guilt can sabotage relationships right when they're about to reach a sweet spot— Why taking full responsibility for your own consent and participation (even when something wasn't your idea) is essential for individuation— The importance of expressing gratitude when you're benefiting from someone else's trailblazing work— How the Imago Dialogue can help partners understand each other's perspectives and do repair work around these dynamics— Why differentiation means accepting that you and your partner will have different experiences, different paths, and different levels of success in non-monogamy— How to recognize when you've fallen into fixed roles and how to shift out of them— What fairness in relationships actually requiresResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on Imago Dialogue— Our episode on envying your partner— Our episode on asymmetry and resentment— Our episode on asymmetric relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework 04.07.2026 2t 24min

  To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination.We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people wanted steps, phases, a roadmap—something they could follow to Re-Imagine their relationships. But this is not a linear process you can follow off a checklist. This is soul-making work. It's the kind of deep, transformative process that asks you to see yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship with fresh eyes—and then co-create something new from that place of awareness. It's messy, non-linear, and profoundly worthwhile, and we're finally ready to share what we've learned from years of doing this work, both in our own relationship and with hundreds of clients and students.This episode is different from our usual format. Ken interviews Joli about her framework for Relationship Re-Imagination, and we get into the complexity of what this work actually requires.In this episode, we talk about:— What Relationship Re-Imagination actually is (and what it isn't)— Why this isn't the same as couples counseling, de-escalation, or conscious uncoupling— The essential conditions required before you even begin this work— Why you absolutely cannot do this work in three months (or even six), and what a realistic timeline might look like— The four ongoing conditions of a Re-Imagination— The threads you'll weave together during the process, including nervous system, grief, shadow, repair, and becoming work— How to know when you've crossed a threshold and why ritual matters so much— The three potential outcomes of discernment work, and why conscious uncoupling isn't a failure— How to celebrate the hell out of your transformationResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 194 of Playing With Fire: Our first conversation about relationship re-imagination— ⁠The Wild Edge of Sorrow⁠ by Francis Weller— Two free weeks of Brain-Based Wellness— Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials playlist— Individuation Alchemy, our nine-month container for depth psychological practice— Our Sexual Shadow MasterclassJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships 27.06.2026 51min

  When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be.This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change.In this episode, we talk about:— Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending— The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways— How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable)— The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process— Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new— The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection— How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!)— The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty— Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship— The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new— How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilitiesResources mentioned in this episode:— The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller— Episode 152: How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks— Episode 172: Grieving ChangeJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies? 20.06.2026 48min

  So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering.This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re monogamous or not!). It’s about psychological fragmentation that can lead to broken commitments, memory gaps, and a sense of wrongness you can’t seem to shake.I call this bifurcated monogamy—a phenomenon where people unconsciously split their relational world into separate, incompatible realities. If you've ever struggled with time management between partners, found yourself unable to remember important details, or felt completely broken when two partners are in the same room together, this episode will help you understand what's happening and what you can do about it.In this episode, we talk about:— What bifurcated monogamy actually is and how it differs from healthy parallel polyamory— Psychological splitting and how it shows up in non-monogamous relationships— The difference between holding multiplicity as your whole self versus fragmenting into separate selves— Red flags to watch for: time blindness, memory gaps, mutually exclusive commitments, and feeling "broken" when partners are together— How internalized polyphobia fuels the unconscious need to split our relational worlds— The role of mono-normative conditioning and why we have to keep "squeegeeing our souls" of these projections— Ken's personal experiences with this phenomenon across romantic relationships, co-parenting dynamics, and even professional contexts— Why privacy needs versus transparency needs can create impossible situations without awareness— The protective mechanism behind splitting and why it makes sense (even though it doesn't actually protect us)— Practical tools for addressing bifurcation— Why this is something to bring to therapy or coaching rather than trying to white-knuckle your way through— How to know if you've created relational situations that genuinely cannot coexist versus situations that need better integrationResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on transition management— Learn more about relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships 13.06.2026 44min

  People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults.True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and allow you to experience a new level of freedom. And non-monogamy presents a wealth of opportunities for coming into a deeper relationship with your own autonomy and that of your partners.In this episode, we talk about:— What autonomy actually means (and what it doesn't mean)— The difference between autonomy and individuation, and why that matters— How autonomy can be weaponized or used defensively in relationships— The tension between wanting autonomy and wanting deep interconnection with others— Why "you don't owe anyone anything" is a problematic framework for relationships— The horseshoe effect: how enmeshment and individualism can actually loop back around to each other— The subtle language patterns that reveal whether you're truly practicing autonomy or deflecting responsibility— Permission-based dynamics vs. responsibility-based autonomy— How cultural expectations around monogamy influence our understanding of autonomy— The importance of grounding into your autonomous self while hinging between multiple partners— Why writing down (or recording) your agreements can reveal unconscious patterns in how you relate to autonomy— How practicing real autonomy actually strengthens your relationships rather than weakening themJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication 06.06.2026 42min

  Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it.This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that (supposedly!) give us shared baseline understandings of what is normal and reasonable to expect in relationships. Except… often we haven’t actually left them behind. And constantly questioning whether or not these unspoken assumptions and cognitive shortcuts are running in the background of your communication can be exhausting. So if you’re finding communication in non-monogamy to be tiring and difficult for reasons you can’t easily identify, this one is for you.In this episode, we talk about:— Why many people who consider themselves "great communicators" struggle when they start doing non-monogamy— The invisible ways we rely on cultural scripts and shortcuts to make communication easier— How the brain conserves energy through defaults, and what happens when we step outside those defaults— The difference between implicit and explicit communication styles, and why mismatches can cause real pain— Why one partner might find all the processing nourishing while the other finds it exhausting— The myth that relationships should be "just fun" and why that can lead to avoiding necessary communication— How to reframe difficult conversations as part of the relationship rather than obstacles to it— Building capacity for hard conversations over time (it's like going to the gym!)— The power of using structured tools like Imago Dialogue and the apology and accountability ladder— Why preparing for conversations isn't unromantic—it's actually deeply caring— The role of regular check-ins in creating space for thoughtful, prepared communication— How new partners and metamours shift the entire relational field, even when you're not directly relating to them— Learning to tolerate that you won't know everything happening in your relational network— Growing your capacity to trust your partners' autonomy and their other relationships— Why transparency and privacy needs often conflict, and how to navigate that tension— The reality that we can't fully leave the monogamous script when it's embedded in everything around usResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Repair Skills Playlist— Episode 245: Check-Ins That Actually Work— Episode 243: Making Decisions TogetherJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now? 30.05.2026 52min

  The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom?Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some of the most profound growth happens.In this episode, we talk about:— Why "too fast" is really about thresholds, not speed— How foiled expectations drive so much of our dysregulation in the opening process— The difference between pacing that allows for skill-building versus holding so still that you never actually learn anything— Why differentiation work matters just as much (if not more) than the logistics of who you're dating— The power of imaginal work— How to recognize when you're objectifying potential partners (couples privilege on steroids) and why that's a sign that you might not be ready yet— The reality that monogamy skills don't all transfer to non-monogamy, but non-monogamy skills work everywhere— Why learning resilience and repair skills is more important than getting everything "right" the first time— The profound relief that comes from increased self-knowledge, even when relationships end— How educational community and mentorship can provide the support that makes all the differenceResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials Playlist— Our Nervous System PlaylistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  245 Check-Ins That Actually Work 23.05.2026 41min

  Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-ins when there’s a problem, you might be training your body to dread a foundational part of healthy intimacy. That's exactly why we need to talk about this unglamorous but absolutely essential topic.In this episode, we talk about:— Why relationship check-ins are more than just meetings— The difference between relationship hygiene and crisis management— How to customize check-ins for your specific relationship phase, structure, and needs— The problem of relationship administration falling to one perso n, and how to share that labor more equitably— Why daily stand-ups worked for us during chaotic parenting years but monthly deep dives work better now— The different types of check-ins and their use cases— The critical importance of context and container— Why 2,700 texts don't replace an actual connective meeting— How to use check-ins as a way to feel pursued and seen, not just to solve problems— The power of parking lot items and knowing there's always another check-in coming— Practical tips to make check-ins smoother, easier, and more effective— The meta-conversation: checking in about how you check in— Why you need both scheduled check-ins and the flexibility for ad-hoc meetings when something's on fireResources mentioned in this episode:— The Multiamory Podcast's RADAR format for relationship check-ins— Episode 224: Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole ThompsonJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic 16.05.2026 51min

  You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival.We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these feelings can keep you stuck in a cycle of promising things to yourself and others that you can’t deliver.So what can you actually do about it? This isn’t just about ‘getting over it.’ We’re not dealing with states that we can reason our way through. That’s why we made this episode – we’re exploring why attachment panic happens, how it shows up, and what you can do to build your capacity, without white-knuckling your way through or abandoning your values entirely.In this episode, we talk about:— Why you can’t just think your way through attachment panic— The specific conditions that trigger attachment panic— How the fear of betrayal or abandonment can activate infantile survival strategies— The cycle of promising things you can't deliver, and how that creates shame spirals— How attachment panic shows up differently in different relationships— The difference between discomfort and panic, and why that distinction matters— Why transparency doesn't equal control, and how the illusion of control feeds panic— How to make smaller, more realistic agreements that match your actual nervous system capacity— The importance of the stories we tell ourselves— Why some people experience attachment panic around their partner dating but not around their own dating— How to reparent yourself through panic— Why relationships don't have to be comfortable to be meaningful— Practical strategies for building capacity— How earned secure attachment is built brick by brick through intentional practice— Why different relationships serve different purposes in our growthResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 114: Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?— Episode 170: Jealousy & Attachment Panic— Episode 198: Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships 09.05.2026 43min

  Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together.When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making framework itself. We assume everyone makes decisions "the normal way" (spoiler: there is no normal way), and this oversight can create serious friction, especially when you're navigating non-monogamy, co-parenting, or any relationship structure that involves multiple people with overlapping needs. That’s why these proactive conversations are so important.In this episode, we talk about:— The three decision-making modes and how to identify which one you're actually using— Why permission-based decision-making can accidentally parentify your partner (and how that undermines your own autonomy)— How notification-only approaches can leave you feeling heartless, even when your partner doesn't mind— The hidden ways we seek permission without consciously realizing it, and how that places unfair responsibility on others— Why veto and permission are essentially the same thing (just with different packaging)— How consultation can get stuck when one person withholds consensus as a control mechanism— The importance of understanding whether you're aiming for consensus or just input when you consult— Why different life domains (parenting, business, household management, romantic relationships) may require different decision-making strategies— How couples privilege and power imbalances show up in decision-making expectations— The critical difference between autonomy and individualism—and why self-sacrifice can actually be an individuated choice— Why we need to have meta-conversations about decision-making before we're under stress or facing deadlines— How childhood experiences and trauma histories shape our default decision-making patterns— The grief and loss that can result from making major life decisions (like buying a house together) without intentional conversation— Practical ways to slow down and create space for these conversations, even when life feels like it's moving too fast— Why differentiation and self-knowledge are essential before you can truly collaborate with othersResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy 02.05.2026 1t 14min

  Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on?This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next: How do we actually repair? And here's the thing—repair isn't about returning to some wholesome "before time." It's about transformation. It's about building something entirely new while sitting with the reality that you can never unknow what happened.If you've experienced betrayal in your non-monogamous relationship (or caused it), if you're wondering whether repair is even possible, or if you're struggling with the question "do I even get to have expectations?"—this episode is essential listening. We draw on our own experiences of navigating profound harm and the years-long repair process that followed.In this episode, we talk about:— Why betrayal recovery requires entering a liminal space with no guaranteed timeline or outcome— The difference between repair and just "toughening up" until you don't feel anything anymore— How to reclaim agency when betrayal has left you questioning your reality and your relationship— The interior work required for the person who caused harm (spoiler: it's not just about apologizing)— Why the person who was betrayed gets to define their experience, and what that means for repair— The critical importance of not rushing through the pain—for both the betrayed and the betrayer— How to identify which "part" of you took actions that caused harm, and why that matters— The practice of listening without defending when your partner describes how you've hurt them— Why suppressing betrayal (the "beach ball effect") will cause it to pop up sideways in other areas of your relationship— The role of grief in betrayal—not just sadness, but rage, shame, and the loss of who you thought your partner was— How agreements are "expectations made visible" and why shared meaning matters more than shared values— Why betrayal repair often requires changing activities and expectations during the recovery period— The difference between forgiveness-seeking and negotiation, and how desire smuggling strips away agency— How repair becomes a load-bearing beam in your relationship rather than a fracturing forceResources mentioned in this episode:— 241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve RickertGet the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year of Opening®Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert 07.03.2026 52min

  Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality.Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation about her powerful new book, Nonmonogamy and Betrayal. We're talking situationships that masquerade as real relationships, people who act like they're building attachment-based connections while secretly keeping one foot out the door, and the ways non-monogamy's flexibility can actually get weaponized against us.If you've ever felt like you were in one relationship while your partner thought you were in something completely different, or if you're struggling to name what went wrong when someone hurt you (but technically didn't break an explicit agreement), this episode is essential listening. We draw on personal experiences of both experiencing and causing betrayal, and we get real about the repair work that has to happen.In this episode, we talk about:— How betrayal is more than just breaking agreements—it's a violation of trust that removes your agency and ability to consent to the reality you're actually living— The difference between betrayals within a relationship (like broken agreements) and betrayals about the relationship (where you discover the whole thing wasn't what you thought it was)— Eve's concept of "bees in the closet"—when your partner makes major changes without your input and then acts like you should have explicitly negotiated against something no reasonable person would expect— Situationships and Schrödinger's relationships: how refusing to define what you're doing creates plausible deniability and sets the stage for betrayal— Why casual relationships actually require more communication and clearer agreements than "serious" ones— The secretly monogamous partner who uses non-monogamy language but is really just waiting for you to become their life partner— How betrayal destroys self-trust, not just trust in your partner, and why repairing with yourself has to come before repairing the relationship— Poly under duress as a potential betrayal that can go both ways, and how self-betrayal happens when you say yes but mean no— Why the flexibility of non-monogamy can get weaponized— The reality that repair isn't always possible (and why that might be the case)— Practical approaches to rebuilding trust after betrayalResources mentioned in this episode:— Eve Rickert's book Nonmonogamy and Betrayal (available at Thornapple Press and wherever you buy books)— The second edition of *More Than Two* by Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin— Eve's blog post "Bees in the Closet"— Visit thornapplepress.ca for all of Eve's books and more!— Episode 212: Repair Skills— Repair Skills YouTube playlistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships 28.02.2026 42min

  Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings.We’re breaking down:— What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy— Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring— The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict— How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine— Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase— Creative practices for working with opposing forces— How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts— The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension— Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comesResources mentioned in this episode:— Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13— Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the PsycheJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton 21.02.2026 59min

  If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life.They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy.In this episode, we talk about:— Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix— The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion— Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living— Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings— The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation— How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy— Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours)— Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination— The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency— Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens)— The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing— Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation— Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds— Keeping metamours present in the imagination to support compersionResources mentioned in this episode:— Dr. Marie Thouin’s website— Justin Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies— Joli’s guest episode on Girl Boner Radio with August McLaughlin— Episode 215 Nurturing Established Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 229 Shadow Work in Relationships: What We Keep From Ourselves 14.02.2026 38min

  Secrets, privacy, and the journey to authentic relationships can be a complex terrain to navigate. When one partner keeps secrets—whether consciously or unconsciously—it creates ripples that affect trust, consent, and the very foundation of connection. But what happens when those secrets aren't just kept from partners, but from oneself? This episode dives deep into the challenging work of moving from fragmented realities to integrated selfhood.Many of us have experienced moments where something feels "off" in a relationship, but we can't quite put our finger on it. When inconsistencies emerge between what's said and what's done, trust begins to erode. But the path back to trust isn't impossible—it just requires dedicated, consistent work and a willingness to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves.In this episode, we talk about:— The critical difference between secrecy and privacy in relationships— How keeping secrets from ourselves can be just as harmful as keeping them from partners— The concept of "bifurcated monogamy" and how people can create separate, incompatible realities— Why writing things down can be a powerful tool for those who unconsciously fragment their experiences— How trauma responses can lead to secret-keeping behaviors without conscious awareness— The relationship between autonomy and responsibility— Why consent requires transparency and ongoing information-sharing, especially in interdependent relationships— The importance of meta-conversations about how we communicate across partnerships— How power differentials can impact one's ability to truly consent in relationships— The long, non-linear journey of rebuilding trust after patterns of secrecy— Why dismantling defensiveness is a crucial step in addressing patterns of secrecy— How integration and differentiation work together to create authentic selfhoodResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on dismantling defensiveness— Our episode on weasel wordsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 177 Shadow Dance: Navigating Projections in Relationships 07.02.2026 48min

  The word projection gets thrown around a lot these days, often in an accusatory way (think, “so-and-so is projecting!”). But projection is actually a normal, unconscious psychological process that shows up in all relationships!That doesn’t mean we should let our projections go unchecked. They can interfere with our ability to truly see our partners as whole, autonomous beings.The good news is that when we become aware of our projections, we have a powerful opportunity to uncover and reclaim the parts of ourselves we’ve denied and disowned. And these aren’t always deep, dark shadowy parts—they can also be positive traits like creativity or intelligence.In this episode, we explore what projection is, how it shows up in relationships, and why reclaiming these “shadow” parts is essential for personal growth. Tune in to learn how working through projections can deepen your connections and help you see yourself—and your partners—in a whole new light.We’re breaking down:— What psychological projection is and how it operates in our subconscious minds— The role of projection in falling in love, limerence, and new relationship energy— How projection can interfere with seeing our partners as sacred, autonomous beings— The stages of becoming aware of and working through projections— Why reclaiming projected qualities is essential for personal growth— How projection relates to childhood wounds and unresolved issues from the past— The dangers of over-identifying with negative projections or shadow qualities— Practical strategies for recognizing and working with projections in relationships— The value of patience and compassion when addressing projections with a partnerResources mentioned in this episode:— Carl Jung's Collected Works (This is the Wikipedia page, to give you an idea of what the CW contains. If you’re looking for a good place to begin reading Jung’s work, Joli suggests Memories, Dreams, Reflections)— Episode 164: I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method)JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 105 Shadow Work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted? 31.01.2026 45min

  Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.In this episode, we talk about:— What shadow work actually is and why Carl Jung's metaphor is so powerful yet simple— How our "monsters" operate autonomously when we don't acknowledge them— The relief that comes from finally recognizing and taking responsibility for our shadow aspects— Why personifying our shadow material can make it easier to work with— How kink and shadow work can intertwine as psychological practices— The difference between engaging with the "regalia" of kink versus the psychological depth— Why creating psychological safety is essential before doing shadow work with a partner— How projection reveals our shadow material in relationships— The importance of accepting enjoyment of shadow aspects without endorsing harmful behaviors— Why shadow work is a lifelong spiral rather than a circle we keep traveling— Ways to engage with your shadow independently if your partner isn't interested in this workResources mentioned in this episode:— Joli's ⁠Sexual Shadow Masterclass⁠— ⁠The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space⁠— Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't ContainJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 164 I HATE THIS: Get Unstuck with Existential Kink (A shadow work method) 24.01.2026 54min

  A lot of personal growth work is about recognizing and focusing on taking responsibility and changing what we can change in our lives. But sometimes you’re stuck. Stuck and bewildered by how this shit keeps happening. Those same old cyclical situations… a heated argument with a romantic partner, a recurring issue at work, a really challenging family dynamic… where we feel like we have no control. All those tools and practices go out the window and it feels like the situation is just happening at us.These challenges are the perfect place to start practicing shadow work—the process of becoming aware of what you’ve suppressed, hated, and denied about yourself. Sound a little scary? Don’t worry, shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting all the mean parts of yourself. In other words, doing this work doesn’t mean becoming an asshole.There are many ways to do shadow work, but today we’re focusing on a method created by Carolyn Lovewell called Existential Kink. Existential Kink involves loving, accepting, and owning the ‘guilty pleasure’ we get from the shadowy aspects of our subconscious, and we’re walking you through the whole process.In this episode, we’re breaking down:— What the shadow is— What it means to do shadow work— How Jungian and depth psychology define and approach the shadow— Examples of how and why people repress and deny aspects of themselves— Why unexamined shadow aspects of ourselves often lead to projections— How embracing and recollecting repressed aspects of ourselves can be powerfully transformative for your personal growth and relationships— Why shadow work does not mean embracing and enacting evil/mean aspects of ourselves (AKA becoming an asshole)— The theory behind and process of Existential Kink— The importance of community and support while doing depth psychological workResources mentioned in this episode:— My Individuation Alchemy program— Carolyn Lovewell’s book, work, and programs— Lindsay Braman’s Emotion Sensation Feelings WheelJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  239 Radical Relating with Mel Cassidy 17.01.2026 55min

  Radical relating isn't just about who you're dating—it's about dismantling systems of power and creating community. In this episode, we welcome Mel Cassidy, somatic relationship coach and author of "Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy."Mel shares their journey from blogger to coach to author, and how their work challenges the foundations of mono-normativity. We explore how white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped our understanding of relationships, and how we can break free from these restrictive patterns to create more authentic connections.This conversation goes far beyond the typical focus on sex in non-monogamy discussions. Instead, we dive into how resource sharing, conflict resolution, and community building can help us create more liberatory forms of love—whether we're in monogamous relationships, polyamorous networks, or anywhere in between.In this episode, we talk about:— How white supremacy culture, colonization, and Christianity have shaped monogamy as the default relationship structure— The concept of "anarcule" as a way to understand relationships beyond sexual connections— Why perfectionism in relationships is a harmful aspect of mono-normativity that prevents authentic communication— How the nuclear family was designed as a political tool to counter feminism and socialism— Ways to practice resource sharing even if you're not interested in having multiple romantic partners— The importance of decentering sex in our understanding of relationships and asking "what does sex mean to you?"— Why Google calendars might actually hide conflict rather than resolve scheduling issues— Practical approaches to conflict resolution, starting with low-stakes issues to build capacity— How our nervous systems "time travel" during conflict, bringing up old wounds and patterns— The value of understanding who you become during conflict and how to work with different conflict stylesResources mentioned in this episode:— Mel Cassidy's new book: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of MonogamyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  238 Thriving in Long-Distance Relationships 10.01.2026 31min

  Long-distance relationships can feel like a never-ending uphill climb. When there are miles between you and your partner, it's easy to fall into patterns that make connecting feel more like a chore than a choice. Whether you're separated by a two-hour drive or multiple time zones, the question eventually surfaces: "How do we keep going without it feeling like endless work?"We understand this struggle deeply. The fatigue that comes with maintaining connection across distance is real and valid. But what if the solution isn't about working harder, but about reimagining what your relationship is actually for? What if the distance itself offers unique opportunities that proximity never could?In this episode, we talk about:— The importance of clarifying the purpose of your relationship and how this purpose might shift over time— Why mono-normative expectations can create unnecessary pressure in long-distance relationships— How to design relationship rituals that create meaning without becoming another obligation— The value of regularly revisiting and refreshing your relationship agreements— Understanding the unique grief that comes with long-distance relating and how to honor it— Finding the "golden shadows" of distance—the unexpected benefits that proximity doesn't offer— Why endurance alone isn't enough to sustain connection, and how meaning-making transforms the experience— The danger of idealizing proximity and forgetting the challenges that come with day-to-day relating— Creating structure that allows for both stability and novelty in your connection— Practical ways to inject fresh energy and imagination into long-distance relationshipsResources mentioned in this episode:— Francis Weller's work on griefJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions