Unfiltered: Real Talk About Sex & Love

Episódios

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  113 - Recovery, Relapse, & Discernment 11.08.2026 15min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After years of healing, I recently discovered information that makes me wonder whether I ever truly received a complete therapeutic disclosure. Is it ever too late for full disclosure? My husband recently hit rock bottom and is finally engaging in recovery, but he's had six slips in two and a half months. How do I distinguish early recovery from simply changing addiction patterns? Everyone talks about 90 days of abstinence, but many therapists recommend waiting 6–12 months before rebuilding sexual intimacy. What timeline should betrayed spouses consider? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  112 - The Brain, Lust, & Long-Term Recovery 04.08.2026 15min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My husband struggled with pornography and a wandering eye for nearly 40 years before quitting. How long does it take for those brain pathways and bonds to change? I was recently told, addiction aside, that "biology kicks in" for men. Besides resisting the urge, what actually happens in the brain and body? What is your opinion on oral sex within marriage? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!a
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  111 - Healing When Recovery Doesn't Remove the Hurt 28.07.2026 16min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My husband has two years of recovery, but I'm still devastated by the fact that lust will always be part of our marriage. How do I accept that without it destroying me? Six months after discovering my husband's betrayal involving sex workers, pornography, dating sites, and ongoing dishonesty, is it really possible for a relationship to recover from this? Even after two years of recovery work, I still feel profoundly alone because my husband remains emotionally unavailable. How do I navigate betrayal trauma when emotional repair isn't happening? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  110 - Emotional Intimacy: More Than Sobriety 21.07.2026 18min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My sexually addicted husband is 3 months into recovery. He said he’s never been fully honest with me. How much should he share? How can he learn to be vulnerable after 30 years of being a lone wolf? My husband has been sober from pornography for 12 years. He is sober but not recovering. He connects to everyone else in his life, but emotionally and physically neglects me. How do we address respect and connection when relapse isn't the issue? My husband and I have been on the recovery road for a long time and while our relationship is solid, we still personally sometimes struggle with emotional intimacy, like sharing our feelings with each other. Do you have suggestions or tools? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  109 - Where to Start in My Recovery Journey 14.07.2026 20min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I’m in a tough situation. I’m in a Betrayal & Beyond group, navigating betrayal from my husband’s porn use, and have recognized serious shame surrounding my own struggle with masturbation. I feel hypocritical for being hurt while struggling myself, and I’m unsure how to prioritize my healing. Should I address my personal struggles before fully processing the betrayal trauma, or can both healing journeys happen together? In my own struggle with addiction, I’ve noticed how often I fall into lies and manipulation, even when I don’t want to. Why does this pattern feel so automatic and deeply tied to my behavior? What is happening in me that makes honesty feel so difficult when I’m acting out? As a woman who struggles with sexual brokenness, I've tried to find help within the church, but it often feels unsafe, minimizing, or even shame-inducing. I thought the church would be the safest place to heal, so why does it feel so hard to be honest there? How do I find support when the place I expected safety feels so complicated? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  108 - The Hidden Aspects of Sexual Addiction 07.07.2026 20min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After discovering my husband’s long-hidden porn addiction and affair, my adult children and I are struggling to reconcile his deep involvement in faith and ministry with the secret double life he lived for decades. I don’t know how to explain the disconnect between genuine devotion and destructive behavior. Was his faith real, or was it all a mask? After years of recovery work, I’m concerned my husband’s addiction may have shifted from pornography to an unhealthy fixation on sex and physical access to me. His constant touching and spiritual justifications leave me feeling objectified instead of safe or loved. How do I set healthy boundaries around intimacy without damaging connection or recovery progress? After 27 years of marriage and years of counseling and recovery work, my husband recently admitted he follows his own definition of sobriety, leaving me feeling deceived and deeply used. As we prepare for full disclosure and a polygraph, I feel emotionally exhausted and ready to leave, yet conflicted by my faith and church beliefs. Am I wrong for wanting divorce after so many broken promises and shifting truths? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  107 - Betrayal, Heartbreak, and Addiction Patterns 30.06.2026 17min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After five years of betrayal and partial recovery efforts, I’m seeing new honesty and engagement from my husband, but repeated slip-ups leave me unsure what’s truly changing. I’m caring for myself well, yet struggling to discern whether this reflects early sobriety with setbacks or simply a different addiction pattern. How do I know the difference? Three and a half years into recovery, another disclosure of relapses has left me devastated and questioning whether I’ll ever feel deep love for my husband again. Even before this, my feelings already felt distant and dulled compared to before the betrayal. Can love truly return after repeated heartbreak, or does it change permanently? A year into recovery after my husband confessed long-term struggles with pornography and lust, I can see real transformation in him, yet I still feel deeply wounded by the reality that lust may always be something he battles. Even his honesty and progress don’t remove the pain this creates in me. How do I live with the ongoing reality of that struggle without feeling devastated by it? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  106 - Understanding My Sexual Struggles 23.06.2026 20min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After 16 years of recovery from sex addiction, I’m realizing how deeply my relationship with my mother still shapes my emotional triggers around criticism, guilt, and performance. While our relationship has improved and I truly believe I’ve forgiven her, I still find myself reacting, trying to change or educate her, and questioning whether lingering pain means forgiveness is incomplete. Can healing from a mother’s wounds continue even after genuine forgiveness has taken place? I struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors and confusion around same-sex attraction. I often feel shame and uncertainty about what my experiences mean, especially when I’m trying to live with integrity. How do I understand my patterns, reduce compulsive behavior, and begin healing without self-condemnation? After my divorce, I’ve found myself sexually acting out in ways that leave me feeling empty and ashamed. I want to understand why this is happening and how to stop repeating it. How do I begin real healing and rebuild self-control after divorce-related pain and loneliness? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  105 - Dying Marriage, Secondary Betrayal, and Triggers 16.06.2026 21min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I resonated with your thoughts on marriage stagnation from episode #95. My husband stopped relapsing but isn’t actively pursuing healing, and I feel stuck, discouraged, and worn down. After years of little growth, I’m unsure what I believe about biblical grounds for divorce. In this kind of gray space, where change feels stalled, would divorce be biblically justified? When my church, once a safe home, responded to my betrayal trauma by focusing on my reactions instead of my spouse’s accountability, it felt like a second betrayal. I’m struggling to know what’s healthy moving forward. When is it time to leave, and how do I grieve losing my spiritual community while still healing from betrayal? Can you talk about wet dreams? My husband and I are currently sexually abstinent with each other in our marriage. He reported a wet dream to me and it was triggering. To be honest, I know wet dreams are normal but part of me wonders if he’s acting out as a part of it. I don’t like how this situation makes me feel but I also don’t know what reasonable responses are. If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  104 - Sex, Safety, and the Aftermath 09.06.2026 15min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: My husband and I are 2½ years into recovery, and our marriage is stronger than ever. As I enter my third trimester, we want to plan for sex and intimacy postpartum, especially after a difficult recovery with our first child. How can we approach this season in a healthy, connected way that supports both healing and intimacy? I’m experiencing betrayal trauma in my marriage, and I’m trying to rebuild safety and trust after what’s happened. My spouse seems to believe that sex will bring us closer and help heal the relationship, but it actually feels triggering and disconnecting for me right now. Why is it so hard for them to understand that sex alone won’t repair betrayal or create emotional safety? After divorcing my spouse due to addiction, he still continues to blame me for what happened and the breakdown of our relationship. I’m trying to heal and move forward, but the ongoing blame feels confusing and painful. How do you respond when someone keeps assigning you responsibility even after the relationship has ended? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  103 - Distinguishing the Difference Between Worth, Attention, & Identity 02.06.2026 18min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I’m a woman in ministry and I’ve noticed a pattern where I seek validation through flirting and attention from men, even when I don’t intend harm. I want to break this cycle and grow in healthier boundaries and identity. What kind of help, support, or practices would actually help me change these patterns in a lasting way? - I desire deep connection, but I also fear abandonment, which affects how I show up in relationships. How do fear of abandonment and attachment wounds shape relational behavior, and how can women begin to heal this? - I sometimes feel shame around my relational or sexual patterns and don’t know how to talk about it without feeling “broken.” How can women bring these struggles into the light in a way that leads to healing instead of shame? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  102 - What To Do When Recovery Stalls Out 26.05.2026 18min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - My husband and I have been together since childhood, married for 7 years, and six months ago I discovered his long-term porn addiction. It feels like a deep betrayal, and I’m struggling to heal and trust again. Even though he’s in recovery and doing the right things, I still feel stuck. - How do I move forward when our story feels broken? - My husband’s mindset seems to be keeping him from engaging in recovery. He often becomes entitled and shifts blame onto me, and he sees boundaries as rejection. I know you’ve addressed similar dynamics before, but how can a spouse respond when these patterns are blocking accountability and making real healing difficult? - From an addict spouse: I’ve struggled with porn throughout my 14 year marriage and am now in recovery. As my wife and I enter formal disclosure, I’ll hear the impact of my betrayal, and I want to respond well without becoming defensive. How can I stay present, process her pain, and grow through this disclosure process in a way that supports her healing?
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  101 - Dealing With Rage as a Betrayal Trauma Response 19.05.2026 19min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I’m walking through betrayal after discovering my boyfriend’s porn use and past behaviors, and what’s been most overwhelming isn’t just the pain, it’s the rage. At times, I feel completely overtaken by anger, even acting in ways that scare me and leave me feeling ashamed. It feels deeper than anger, like a full-body trauma response. Is this kind of rage normal in betrayal trauma, and what’s actually happening inside me? As I navigate betrayal trauma, one of the hardest parts is how my partner responds. When I express pain or anger, he dismisses it or calls me “crazy,” which only intensifies everything I’m feeling. It makes me feel unseen and alone in the trauma. How can partners better understand and respond to betrayal trauma, especially intense emotions like rage, in a way that brings safety instead of more harm? I’ve been learning that betrayal trauma affects the brain and body in real ways, but it doesn’t seem like this is widely understood, especially by those who caused the hurt. It feels like there’s a gap in recovery when it comes to helping men understand their partner’s trauma responses. How can we better educate betrayers on what’s happening neurologically and emotionally so they can respond with empathy and support healing? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  100 - When Chemistry Feels Like Connection 12.05.2026 15min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: - I’m single, in a healthy community, and feel ready for a relationship, but I tend to quickly imagine men as “the one” before truly knowing them. I find myself dreaming about a future instead of seeing who they really are. Why is this so hard to stop, and how can I approach men with more clarity and grounded perspective? - I often confuse emotional intensity with true intimacy. How can I tell the difference between chemistry, attachment, and genuine relational safety? - I’ve noticed that porn use is often talked about as a “man’s issue,” but I know women also struggle with it. I’m curious why this perception exists and what might be missing in how we talk about it. Why do you think porn addiction is so often framed as a male problem, even though it clearly affects women too? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  099 - Understanding Sexual Fantasies and Unmet Needs 05.05.2026 18min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I’ve found myself using sexual fantasy or porn-like material to cope with stress or loneliness. I’ve heard that these behaviors can be a sign of unmet needs rather than simply a sin issue. How do I figure out what need I’m trying to meet and what could a healthy coping strategy look like? I keep having recurring fantasies, not always sexual, but often about self-attention that feel uncontrollable and unhealthy. Group work has helped me become more aware, but I want to understand the deeper roots of this pattern. Is there a way to fully overcome these intrusive fantasies and break free from this cycle for good? My sexual struggles make me feel “less holy” or unfit for intimacy, love, or even God’s grace. This internal conflict has created tension between my desire for healing and my fear of judgment from others. How can I integrate spiritual healing with sexual healing? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  098 - Loving Without Losing Yourself 28.04.2026 21min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After 22 years of marriage marked by pornography addiction, emotional abuse, fear, and deep violations of trust, I’m emotionally done and longing to begin my own healing. My husband’s serious health issues now complicate my decision and leave me burdened with guilt. How do I navigate leaving a harmful marriage with compassion, but without sacrificing my safety, truth, or healing? My husband, who is in recovery, has expressed a desire for me to feel visual attraction and curiosity about his body; something I’ve never naturally experienced. I want to meet his needs and love him well, but I’m unsure how to cultivate these feelings. How can I honor his desires while staying true to my own capacity for attraction? My husband refuses to get help for his long-term pornography and acting-out behaviors, dismissing the impact on our emotional and spiritual intimacy. Instead, he shifts blame to me for intimacy struggles, while I struggle to connect sexually without true emotional closeness. How do I navigate a marriage where my husband denies the problem yet expects connection on his terms? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  097 - Red Flags & Relapse: Facing a Spouse Who Keeps Returning to Porn 21.04.2026 18min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: After years of recovery work and shared ministry, I’m facing renewed betrayal as my husband returns to secretive, addictive behaviors, becomes defensive and angry, and dismisses my need for safety. I feel destabilized, fearful there may be more hidden, and unsure how to respond. Are these serious red flags? How do I move forward when my spouse seems to abandon recovery and the marriage itself? We’ve been separated for nearly a year, with my husband in recovery programs, yet repeated relapses keep extending our separation. On the surface, he appears committed, but I question his willingness to truly give up his addiction. How long is reasonable to wait for real change, and what can I do to protect my well-being while I wait? When someone says they’ve been using porn for 28 years off and on, with sometimes months maybe even years in between, would it then be a choice or compulsion that they keep returning to it? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org
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  096 - Coping, Fantasies, and Recovery: Finding a Healthy Path Forward 14.04.2026 16min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: Listener feedback: I have gone through Unraveled and am currently starting a Betrayal & Beyond group at my church. Going through Unraveled was so amazing to help me process things and have a safe group of women that I could be honest with. Thanks so much for these tools you created. I still have thoughts about men that I was sexually intimate with before I got married. My husband and I are very honest about where we are and how we are doing in our healing journeys'. But I still find myself thinking about my ex's ... Is this a brain thing or spiritual tie that will always be there because of sex? What can I do to change this or work on it? Years after betrayal, I’m struggling with loneliness and sexual fantasy as a way to cope in a marriage that feels emotionally empty. Though I’ve stopped the behavior, I’m torn between protecting myself from further harm and pressure to reconcile for stability. How do you let go of coping fantasies, and how do you discern a healthy path forward when my marriage feels stuck between surviving and healing? I continue to relapse into old coping habits, like compulsive masturbation, fantasy, and unsafe sexual thoughts, despite counseling or accountability. How do I identify what triggers me and understand my old patterns, so I can take proactive steps to redirect these behaviors? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  095 - Pregnant, Betrayed, and Uncertain: Making Wise Choices in Marriage Recovery 07.04.2026 20min

  Thanks for listening to Unfiltered: Real Talk about Sex and Love, with Ashley and Heather. On today’s episode, we answer the following questions: I recently found out that my husband has been hiding a 7 year porn addiction which is most of our marriage. I am 5 months pregnant and we had planned for him to take 12 weeks paternity leave. Now I am really concerned that it may not be a good idea, as he is likely to fall into his old habits with so much time at home. What are your thoughts? After nearly three decades of marriage shaped by pornography addiction, sexual harm, and repeated betrayals, I feel detached, distrustful, and worn down despite recent recovery efforts. I’ve found healing for myself but little hope for restored intimacy or trust in the marriage. How do I discern whether continuing this marriage leads to life, or whether letting go is the bravest next step? Since discovering my husband’s long-term affair after 23 years of marriage, I’m struggling with deep insecurity despite ongoing recovery work. He showed a level of pursuit and intentionality with his affair partner that I never experienced, leaving me feeling like a second choice. How do you heal and move forward when faithfulness exists, but the wound of comparison and being “chosen last” still lingers? If you have a question you’d like us to answer on Unfiltered, email us at unfiltered@puredesire.org. We can’t wait to hear from you!
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  094 - Restoration or Reality? Navigating Marriage, Addiction, and Boundaries 31.03.2026 17min

  Despite years of counseling and recovery efforts following discovery, I’m exhausted by repeated delays in my husband’s full disclosure. I’ve set a February deadline to protect my well-being but feel uncertain about boundaries, patience, and enabling patterns. How long is it healthy to wait, and am I asking too much? After 30 years of marriage to a pornography addict and many unsuccessful recovery attempts, I feel stuck needing support I can’t currently access due to finances and work constraints. I want to prepare for possible disclosure but feel alone in this process. What practical options exist when counseling and groups aren’t realistically available right now? Throughout repeated cycles of recovery, relapse, separation, and now a 90-day treatment program, I feel torn between hope for our family and fear of returning to an unsafe dynamic. My husband is optimistic, but I remain uncertain and guarded. How do I move forward with clarity and strength, honoring the desire for restoration while holding firm, non-negotiable boundaries for safety and trust?