Better Sex

Episodet

• 
  Ep. 409: Reclaiming Desire After 50: Nervous System Regulation, Novelty, and Communication 03.08.2026 32min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Julie Merriman about her book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What?, focused on helping women over 50 reclaim pleasure and desire. Merriman explains that decreased libido is often less about menopause alone and more about decades of high-functioning “survival mode” that dysregulates the nervous system, tightens the body, and takes pleasure offline; hormone support can help but may not be sufficient without addressing stress, numbness, and disconnection from the body. They discuss midlife as a “homecoming” with clearer boundaries, the effects of long-term relationships, obligatory sex, and lack of sexual communication, and the importance of safety, validation, and active listening. Practical approaches include restoring novelty in and out of the bedroom, taking intercourse off the table temporarily, pleasure mapping, addressing body shame, and managing menopausal changes like dryness with movement and vaginal products. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex01:01 Meet Julie Merriman02:51 Why Midlife Changes Hit03:24 Survival Mode Nervous System05:31 Hormones and Zero Fucks07:40 Desire vs Access to Desire09:40 Functional Freeze and Pleasure11:41 Long Term Sex Ruts13:00 Talking About Sex Again14:34 Responsive Desire Explained15:33 Safety in the Body17:13 Desire Discrepancy Resources17:39 Communication First19:39 Novelty as Adventure20:47 No Pressure Sex21:13 Pleasure Mapping Reset21:53 Aging Body Conversations23:06 Body Acceptance Practices24:56 Gratitude and Tantra26:47 Menopause Comfort Tools29:26 Book and Where to Find30:44 Final Wrap UpJessa's Desire Discrepancy resources are at: https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: Dr. Julie Merriman is a licensed mental health clinician, counselor educator, burnout researcher, author and speaker. As the founder of the Soul Joy™ brand, she serves as a premier authority for women over 50 navigating the intersection of professional burnout and personal intimacy. With over 30 years of clinical experience and academic leadership—including tenures as a professor, department head, and associate dean—Dr. Merriman has dedicated her career to the science of human helping. Her work is deeply rooted in polyvagal theory and somatic neurobiology, providing a bridge between academic rigor and soul-led transformation. Her personal journey through profound burnout and a subsequent breast cancer diagnosis informs her "scorched earth" approach to healing—proving that rebirth is possible at any age. She is the author of the 12-week guide, In Pursuit of Soul Joy, and the forthcoming book, Are We Gonna Have Sex or What? (April 13, 2026)https://www.juliemerrimanphd.com/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 408: [Soapbox] When Lower Desire is a Mask 30.07.2026 7min

  In this Soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explores how the common higher-desire/lower-desire framework is helpful but doesn’t always accurately describe what’s happening in a relationship. She outlines two main ways desire can be “masked”: a higher-desire partner may detach from wanting sex after repeated disappointment, becoming resigned and avoiding sex because it’s less painful than hoping; or someone may have desire but avoid sex with their partner due to unresolved relationship issues like conflict, power struggles, resentment, or unspoken complaints. Jessa shares an example where years without sex changed once a partner’s underlying unhappiness was addressed and the relationship “container” improved. She emphasizes using the sexual avoidance cycle to identify obstacles—relationship problems, stress, medical or mental health factors—before assuming low libido.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Soapbox Setup00:56 When Desire Roles Blur02:07 Giving Up on Sex03:20 Relationship Barriers03:56 Client Breakthrough Story04:46 Sexual Avoidance Cycle05:47 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 407: The Science of Pleasure, Trauma & Longevity 27.07.2026 55min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews functional medicine clinician and neurofeedback specialist Dr. Stephanie Rimka about emotional regulation as a biological process involving safety, the vagus nerve, brainwaves, hormones, and co-regulation through relationships. Rimka describes how chronic sympathetic activation undermines metabolic health, longevity, and mitochondrial function, framing trauma as an energy collapse that can lead to anxiety, depression, or dissociation and arguing that biological support can make therapy more effective. She discusses environmental inputs (nature, light, sound, EMF) that affect regulation and mitochondrial health, and connects these ideas to sex by defining “aliveness” as orgasm, emphasizing women’s pleasure as a potent healer that requires safety and embodiment. She contrasts solo versus partnered pleasure via bonding chemistry and shares a case using daily non-performative receiving of pleasure to support a patient’s cancer recovery and marriage, and provides resources at yoursoulbeautiful.com and drrimka.com.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Meet Dr Stephanie Rimka01:32 Her Path Into Healing03:17 Stress Mothers and Intimacy05:34 What Emotional Regulation Means08:34 Safety Before Regulation10:42 Co Regulation and Botox12:56 Why Parasympathetic Matters17:04 Vagus Nerve Basics19:17 When Regulation Becomes Avoidance20:24 Sympathetic Overdrive Costs22:06 Mitochondria and Trauma26:32 Light EMF and Lifestyle28:56 Defining Trauma States29:36 Westernization and Mental Health30:05 Anxiety Trough Explained31:06 Panic and Mitochondria32:34 Freeze Response and Depression35:11 Dissociation and Healing Path35:46 Therapy Needs Energy First38:19 Sex as Embodiment Tool39:01 Aliveness and Orgasm Scale41:30 Pleasure Chemistry and Safety44:46 Partnered Sex and Bonding46:25 Prescribing Pleasure for Recovery51:42 Resources and Closing ThanksJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Stephanie Rimka is a clinician, author, and expert in nervous system regulation, trauma healing, hormonal health, and mitochondrial function. With over 25 years of experience, she has helped individuals recover from burnout, chronic stress, and emotional overwhelm through science-backed approaches. Dr. Rimka teaches how to rebuild mental resilience and emotional clarity, emphasizing the importance of the mind-body connection in achieving long-term health, vitality, and success.www.yoursoulbeautiful.comwww.drrimka.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 406: Gender, Loneliness, and Reconnection 20.07.2026 1h 3min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Anthony Silard back to discuss research-based, average gender differences in relationships, community-building, and loneliness. Silard explains how women tend to have more robust “social convoys” than men, contributing to outcomes like higher male mortality after a spouse’s death, and describes stress responses such as “tend and befriend.” He outlines severe psychological and physical impacts of loneliness, cites rising loneliness rates across countries, and links male loneliness to shifting roles, work focus, and the “four PRs” (procreate, produce, provide, protect). Silard presents three unmet needs that drive loneliness—belonging, connection, and contribution—and offers practical reconnection strategies, including talking to strangers and the “one question rule” focused on feelings, plus compassionate communication to identify unmet needs in relationships.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Episode Setup01:33 Gender Research Caveats03:07 Widowhood and Social Convoys06:15 Mens Group vs Womens Network08:11 Tend and Befriend Stress Response10:50 Loneliness Harms and Health Costs14:46 Loneliness Crisis Worldwide17:34 Mens Roles and Four PRs19:44 Parenthood and the Work Gap23:09 Why Men Get Isolated25:13 Three Needs Behind Loneliness26:19 Belonging vs Connection Examples29:49 Contribution and Workplace Loneliness31:08 Sponsor Break and Relationship Pivot32:10 Lonely In Marriage32:37 Four PRs Mindset34:46 Screens And Male Isolation36:23 Midlife Identity Shifts37:08 Talk To Strangers38:47 Empathy Gap Hack42:54 Belong Connect Contribute44:24 One Question Rule48:43 Feeling On Your Feet57:24 Needs Based Communication01:00:05 Books And Resources01:02:16 Podcast Wrap UpWork with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross. Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley. He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 405: The Truth About Erectile Dysfunction 13.07.2026 31min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Johns Hopkins urologic surgeon and researcher Dr. Arthur Burnett about erectile dysfunction from a holistic biopsychosocial perspective. Burnett explains how erections work as a vascular function regulated by the nervous system, and how physical factors like hypertension, atherosclerosis, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and nerve or hormone issues can interfere. They discuss how stress and performance anxiety can biologically affect erections via adrenaline, and how oral medications like Viagra and Cialis work by reducing a “brake” in the erection pathway, though effectiveness can change as overall health changes. Burnett emphasizes thorough assessment beyond quick prescriptions, including counseling when appropriate, and reviews a treatment ladder from lifestyle changes to oral meds, vacuum devices, penile injections, and penile implants, noting implants typically preserve sensation and can reduce anxiety when expectations are realistic.00:00 Show Introduction00:43 Meet Dr Arthur Burnett01:43 Why Study Erectile Dysfunction03:30 How Erections Work05:43 Physical Causes of ED06:56 Nerves Orgasm and Erection08:03 Holistic Assessment Approach10:56 Stress Anxiety and Viagra13:07 Mid Episode Substack Break13:47 When Therapy Helps15:12 Lifestyle Changes That Improve ED17:42 When to Use Medical Treatments18:55 When Pills Stop Working20:08 Second Line Treatment Options22:44 Considering Penile Implants24:09 Implant Sensation and Expectations26:52 Choosing the Right Urologist28:54 Where to Find Dr Burnett30:14 Closing and CreditsVisit Jessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Arthur L. “Bud” Burnett II, MD, MBA, FACS, is a globally recognized Johns Hopkins urologist, researcher, Viagra Pioneer and educator whose pioneering work in men’s health and erectile function has transformed care worldwide.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 404: [Soapbox] HRT is not Primarily About Libido 09.07.2026 7min

  In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman clarifies a common misconception that hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is mainly meant to increase libido. Drawing from two recent conversations—one with a post-menopausal client experiencing painful sex and resisting HRT as a “fix,” and another with a man wondering why his wife’s HRT didn’t dramatically raise desire—she explains that libido changes can happen but are more like an added bonus. Zimmerman emphasizes HRT’s broader purposes, including relief of menopause symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, sleep issues), easing vaginal dryness/atrophy and pain, helping prevent UTIs via vaginal estrogen, improving brain fog and mood, and supporting longer-term health such as bone and heart health, diabetes prevention, muscle preservation, and potentially reduced cancer risk.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup01:05 HRT Libido Misconception01:17 Client Story Pain and Menopause02:33 Partner Expectations About HRT03:18 HRT Benefits Beyond Sex03:29 Menopause Symptom Relief03:53 UTIs and Vaginal Estrogen04:23 Brain Fog Mood and Health05:01 Bigger Picture and Next Steps05:50 Outro and Listener Support06:38 Credits and GoodbyeWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 403: Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy for Intimacy and Sex 06.07.2026 34min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews therapist Hannah Buzzo about psychedelic-assisted therapy for intimacy and sex, for individuals and couples. Buzzo describes her background in addiction and trauma work (including EMDR), her training in trauma treatment with psychedelics, and how psychedelic work can make it easier to address taboo topics like sexuality and soften defenses in a safe, compassionate way. She contrasts this with limits of talk therapy, citing biological effects such as decreased default mode network activation and the nervous-system sense of safety that can enable corrective experiences for trauma and attachment wounds. Buzzo explains safety practices including extensive preparation and integration sessions, emphasizes it’s not for everyone (noting bipolar/psychosis risks and lack of support systems), and outlines common formats and medicines used in Colorado (primarily ketamine and sometimes psilocybin), including retreat-based intensives with medical screening and onsite medical support. 00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:47 Meet Hannah Buzzo02:22 Why Psychedelics for Intimacy07:44 Beyond Talk Therapy10:33 Safety Preparation Integration15:06 Who It’s For16:35 Medicines and Process19:11 Inside a Couples Session23:37 Retreat Format Explained26:29 Medical Oversight and Risks28:29 Legality and Future32:09 Contact and Wrap UpInterested in psychedelics as it pertains to couples work? Learn more at https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comGuest Bio:Hannah Buzzo is the Founder and Clinical Director of Alchemy Therapy & Wellness and the first therapist to bring psychedelic-assisted therapy to Summit County, CO. A pioneer in the field, she challenges traditional talk therapy with bottom-up, experiential approaches that target the subconscious and nervous system. Her work supports individuals and couples heal trauma, deepen intimacy, and restore connection through the integration of mind, body, and spirit.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 402: [Soapbox] Good Faith Communication vs Gaslighting 02.07.2026 11min

  In this soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why effective communication requires holding our “reality” loosely, since perception is filtered and interpreted by the brain, and partners often experience the same event differently. She describes a process of sharing each person’s story to feel seen, take accountability, and problem-solve—while emphasizing it only works when both partners communicate in good faith and “cop to” harmful intent when it exists. Zimmerman outlines signs of good-faith engagement: openness to feedback, curiosity about your perspective, empathy, accountability and apologies, and willingness to change behavior. She contrasts this with gaslighting and bad-faith conflict behaviors like insisting they’re right, dismissing or belittling your experience, blaming you, and refusing self-questioning or change. She also applies these ideas to microaggressions, noting the need for openness and behavior change even when bias is unintentional.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Soapbox Topic Setup01:26 Why Perception Misleads02:44 Holding Reality Loosely03:45 Good Faith Requirement04:53 Signs of Good Faith06:25 Gaslighting Red Flags08:25 Microaggressions Nuance09:48 Wrap Up and OutroWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassListen on AppleIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 401: Signs You May Be Headed For Divorce 29.06.2026 31min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews therapist and divorce support group leader Oona Metz about how emotional and sexual disconnection often contributes to divorce, drawing on Metz’s 15 years of work with hundreds of women and her book Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. They discuss common drivers of divorce (abuse, affairs, addiction), plus inequality in parenting/household labor, partner passivity, and later-life coming out, and highlight early warning signs like intimacy fading after children, conversations becoming logistics-only, relationships turning “too hot” with constant conflict or “too cold” with shutdown, mounting resentment, and a partner devoting all free time to a hobby. They cover why women initiate most divorces, the shame and practical barriers around leaving, and post-divorce growth through self-reflection, avoiding rebound relationships, clarifying needs, and examining family-of-origin patterns, emphasizing that staying in toxic marriages can harm children’s view of love.00:00 Show Intro00:48 Meet Oona Metz02:41 Why Marriages End05:12 Kids and Connection Drift07:22 Hot vs Cold Marriages09:50 Disengagement Warning Signs11:10 Hobbies as Escape Hatch14:24 Midroll and Ways to Work14:52 Why Women Initiate Divorce17:00 Stigma Kids and Culture18:03 Healing After Divorce20:56 Dating Yourself First23:43 What Could Save It26:58 For the Kids and Closing28:47 Where to Find Oona29:53 Podcast OutroInterested in working with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Oona Metz is a nationally recognized psychotherapist and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women (Gallery Books / Simon & Schuster), which debuted to remarkable acclaim. Her work—spanning more than 30 years—focuses on the tender, complicated realities of heartbreak, self-abandonment, and starting over. Unhitched was praised on CBS Mornings by Gayle King, featured in Maria Shriver’s newsletter, excerpted exclusively in TIME, and spotlighted on CBS News and NPR’s Morning Edition. The book quickly became a top divorce title on Amazon. Oona is known for her wise, grounded, deeply human approach that blends clinical expertise with relatable storytelling, making her a powerful voice on modern relationships, emotional recovery, boundaries, and the psychology of change. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 400: [Soapbox] Care and Curiosity: The Foundation for Understanding Your Partner 25.06.2026 7min

  In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman argues that a basic foundation of relationships is caring about a partner’s wellbeing and taking their unhappiness seriously, even without agreeing with their interpretation. She explains how the brain filters and assigns meaning to events, so two partners can experience the same situation differently, making “right vs. wrong” arguments unproductive. Instead, she recommends learning to “climb into each other’s movies” to understand one another’s perspective. Zimmerman highlights three essentials for productive communication: awareness that one’s own interpretation isn’t inherently true, genuine care that a partner is struggling, and curiosity about how they arrived at their meaning. She notes this must be mutual, and that it’s a significant problem when a partner shows no care, openness, or curiosity about the other’s experience.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Soapbox Return01:01 Why Caring Matters01:27 Brains Tell Stories02:49 Climb Into Movies03:11 Three Key Skills03:36 Care And Curiosity04:41 When Partners Dismiss05:30 Wrap Up And Outro This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 399: How Couples Can Rebuild Desire 22.06.2026 31min

  Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Courtney Fay Long about common challenges couples face with desire discrepancy, losing spark, and the pressure–rejection cycle. Long shares how prioritizing sex earlier in the day, expanding sex beyond intercourse into connection, and using “all-day foreplay” (texts, appreciation, support) can help, along with resting to relax the nervous system before intimacy. They discuss sex as a form of stress relief and self-care, and emphasize reducing goal-oriented pressure by collaborating on alternatives and honoring limits. Practical tools include a playful desire-box exercise with written requests, intentional “pleasure dates” focused on themes like joy or receiving, self-soothing for the higher-desire partner, and creating a “treasure map” of turn-ons/turn-offs across stages of connection. They also recommend regular appreciation practices and more non-demand touch to rebuild closeness.00:00 Better Sex Intro01:03 Meet Courtney Fay Long01:22 Why Sex Matters02:55 Redefining Sex and Connection03:20 Make Time and Energy04:20 All Day Foreplay Basics06:40 Sex as Stress Relief08:18 Desire Jar Game12:10 Pleasure Dates Plan14:30 Mid Episode Subscribe15:09 Pressure Kills Desire17:15 Self Soothe and Connect19:55 Treasure Map Talk23:04 Touch Starvation and Hormones26:41 What Helps Couples Reconnect29:01 Where to Find Courtney30:07 Podcast OutroJessa's Substack: https://jessazimmerman.substack.com/Bio:Courtney Fae Long is a Sexuality Educator and TEDx speaker with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples build deeper intimacy, confidence, and emotional connection. She holds a Master’s degree in Social Work and specializes in desire discrepancy, helping people understand why “low libido” is often misunderstood.Her TEDx talk on the surprising connection between intimacy, happiness, and success has reached over 800,000 viewers. Courtney is known for her grounded, science-informed approach that makes conversations about intimacy accessible, practical, and free of shame.www.courtneyfaelong.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 398: Intimate Conversations: Co-creating Authentic Sexual Experiences 15.06.2026 37min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman talks with Dr. Teresa Johnson about why and how couples can have healthier conversations about sex, including desire changes, boundaries, consent, and emotional intimacy. They discuss cultural taboos and shame that keep people silent, how comparisons to porn, media, or “how it used to be” distort expectations, and common pitfalls like avoidance, defensiveness, and feedback landing as criticism. Dr. Johnson emphasizes creating emotional safety, approaching the topic with warmth, regulation, curiosity, and a “same team” mindset, and considering each person’s contribution to the dynamic. They also cover when individual or couples sex therapy may help, and Johnson shares tools she created—a free guidebook and the Lover’s Compass Conversation card deck—to structure safer, deeper discussions and support authentic sexuality through presence, self-discovery, and consent.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex02:14 Why Sex Talks Matter05:03 Normalizing Through Community07:39 Common Conversation Pitfalls09:56 Fear Vulnerability Avoidance13:23 Starting the Conversation Right14:27 Regulate and Set the Stage16:40 Curiosity Same Team Mindset18:05 When to Get Professional Help20:08 Feeling Like the Patient20:27 Aligning Therapy Goals21:19 Owning Your Contribution22:59 Empowerment Over Blame23:47 Tools for Sex Talks27:02 Safe Container and Consent28:33 Authentic Sexuality Framework31:04 Presence Over Programming34:35 Resources and Wrap Up This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 397: [Soapbox] Not Tonight and the Seven Dwarves 11.06.2026 8min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses a common dynamic between higher- and lower-desire partners, warning that taking a partner’s “not tonight” personally leads to feeling rejected and eventually showing up as an unsexy “dwarf” (grumpy, needy, whiny, resentful, withdrawn), which creates pressure and consequences that reinforce obligation sex. She explains that this cycle is unsustainable and not fulfilling for the higher-desire partner because it undermines true desire, pleasure, and connection. Zimmerman encourages challenging the meaning assigned to a partner’s no, noting that lower desire often reflects legitimate obstacles that make sex stressful and/or a more reactive desire style where arousal develops after getting started, not from walking around already in the mood. She recommends reframing “they’re not attracted to me” to “their desire works differently.”00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Not Tonight Story01:47 Seven Dwarves Reaction02:33 Obligation Kills Desire04:28 Stop Taking It Personally05:01 Real Obstacles to Sex05:36 Reactive Desire Explained06:30 Mantra and Next Steps06:55 Outro and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 396: Using NLP to Improve Intimacy 08.06.2026 41min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Josh Davis about neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as practical, research-supported tools drawn from psychotherapy to improve mindset, communication, and relationship dynamics around intimacy and sex. Davis explains NLP’s origins and introduces “well-formed outcomes,” including focusing on what’s in your control, stating goals positively, specifying context, making goals measurable, and addressing internal “ecological” pushback. They discuss desire discrepancy and how shifting from outcome goals to process goals can reduce resentment and improve connection. Davis shares strategies like assuming every behavior has a positive intention to reduce resistance and find win-wins, and “meeting your partner where they are” to earn the right to influence. He also describes choosing emotional states intentionally via memories and reframing changes as experiments, and shares where to find his book and dad-focused programs.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Josh Davis01:36 What Is NLP02:15 Origins of NLP04:51 Why Josh Teaches Dads05:30 Quick NLP Takeaways06:44 Control What You Can08:18 Desire Discrepancy Example11:56 Letting Go of Outcomes13:45 Well Formed Outcomes14:42 Positive Goals and Context16:47 Measurable and Ecological19:16 Partner Resistance Intentions22:24 Assume Positive Intent23:28 Curious Questions Not Criticism24:05 Meet Them Where They Are26:17 Join Their Energy28:04 Intimacy When Things Go Wrong28:44 Choose Your Emotional State31:34 Love As An Experiment35:33 Memories Versus Thoughts37:17 Programs Book And Resources38:57 Final Takeaway And Wrapwww.joshdavisphd.com/dads This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 395: [Soapbox] Why the “Devil’s Bargain” Fails: Shared Responsibility for Initiation 04.06.2026 7min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains David Schnarch’s term “the devil’s bargain,” where the higher desire partner stops initiating sex and leaves initiation entirely to the lower desire partner. She describes three common origins: a well-intentioned attempt by the higher desire partner to reduce pressure and avoid painful rejection; a request by the lower desire partner to avoid saying no and to “miss it”; and a resentful test by the higher desire partner to see how long sex will go unmentioned. Zimmerman argues the desire discrepancy remains and the burden shifts to the lower desire partner, often increasing pressure through a sense of obligation and tracking time. She emphasizes that initiation should be a shared responsibility and reframes it as initiating opportunities to be sexual, especially for people with reactive desire who initiate from intention rather than arousal.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Introducing the Devils Bargain01:28 Why Couples Make It03:11 When It Becomes a Test03:44 Why It Backfires04:32 Sharing Initiation Responsibility05:51 Closing and Next Steps This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 394: From Resentment to Forgiveness to Love 01.06.2026 43min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Anthony Silard about his book Love and Suffering and how loneliness and disconnection affect relationships. Silard describes a “love progression model” of acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and love, each requiring overcoming suffering, resentment, judgment, and “incarceration,” respectively. He distinguishes aloneness from loneliness and solitude, shares data on rising loneliness, and discusses how resentment can lead to paralysis, power-over dynamics, and loneliness, including among leaders. He argues forgiveness can be a judgment-based power play and suggests moving beyond it toward gratitude, while separating forgiveness (personal development) from trust (relationship development). He shares exercises for examining one’s role in conflict, a personal story of forgiving an abusive stepfather, and an example of how judgment can narrow partner choice. Sillito directs listeners to his website for free books.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Meet Anthony Silard01:34 Why He Wrote the Book02:56 Love Progression Model03:49 Loneliness in Relationships05:41 Loneliness vs Solitude07:08 Loneliness Is Going Global09:54 Men Friendship and Despair11:38 Forgiveness Power Play13:59 Beyond Forgiveness to Gratitude18:38 Midroll and Resources19:07 Owning Your Part19:34 Three Column Forgiveness Exercise20:54 Resentment And Paralysis21:57 Forgive By Giving For23:10 Forgive And Remember23:47 Forgiveness Versus Trust25:31 Finding Meaning In Suffering26:23 Compassion Without Absorbing27:00 Turning Pain Into Purpose28:31 Resentment In Relationships32:02 Loneliness To Love34:29 Incarceration And Projection34:53 Maria’s Infidelity Lesson40:14 Book Links And FarewellHis latest book (April 2025): Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love (all proceeds donated to nonprofit education programs in Africa and Latin America)The Myth of Happiness: How Your Definition of Happiness Creates Your Unhappiness and The Myth of Friendship: How Your Misunderstandings about Friendship Keep You Lonely . They can enter their email to download them here: www.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross. Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School. Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley. He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 393: Ecstasy/MDMA for helping couples heal and enhance their relationship 25.05.2026 28min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Jonathan Robinson about using MDMA (ecstasy) with couples to accelerate therapy, emphasizing a legal disclaimer and harm reduction. Robinson describes renewed interest in psychedelic therapies, claims MDMA can make deep couples work happen in hours, and contrasts it with drugs like psilocybin or ketamine because it supports therapeutic interaction without hallucinations. He explains proposed mechanisms (reduced amygdala fear response and increased serotonin/bonding), highlights the importance of set and setting, purity testing, minimizing distractions, and the value of a trained guide plus integration sessions for lasting change. He discusses common reasons couples seek MDMA (trauma, anxiety, depression, addiction, relationship issues, spiritual growth), how to choose a guide, contraindications (recent heart attack, antidepressants; caution with psychosis/bipolar), and shares a personal story of MDMA revealing grief underlying marital conflict. Want to know more about Jessa's couples; intensives? https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comBio: Jonathan Robinson is a psychotherapist, best-selling author of 16 books, and a professional speaker from Northern California. He has reached over 200 million people around the world with his practical methods, and his work has been translated into 47 languages. Mr. Robinson has made numerous appearances on The Oprah Show and CNN, as well as other national TV talk shows. Jonathan’s most recent book is called, “Ecstasy as Medicine: How MDMA Therapy Can Help You Overcome Trauma, Anxiety and Depression…and Feel More Love.” In the book, Jonathan shares the best methods, stories, and ideas he’s learned from leading over 700 MDMA journeys and teaching hundreds of therapists how to do his unique protocol over Zoom. His other books include the bestsellers, “Communication Miracles for Couples,” and “More Love, Less Conflict.”Jonathan is the co-host of the podcast Awareness Explorers, and his websites are: XTCasMedicine.com and FindingHappiness.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 392 [Soapbox] Afraid to find out it's hopeless 21.05.2026 8min

  In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman describes a common barrier to seeking help for sexual issues: the fear that if you “open the box” and really look at your sex life, you might discover it’s hopeless—like Schrödinger’s cat being alive or dead. She acknowledges how much courage it takes to address intimacy struggles, but argues that avoidance carries major emotional costs, from growing distance to cringe moments when sex comes up, and years lost to an unfulfilling dynamic. Zimmerman says there is real hope when couples have a fundamentally good relationship, goodwill, and willingness to examine their own contributions and learn new ways of thinking about sex, and she encourages listeners to raise the issue, get support, and work on it sooner rather than later.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Topic Setup01:04 Schrodingers Cat Explained02:05 Fear of Seeking Help03:10 When Sex Can Improve04:58 Cost of Avoidance05:54 Its Not Too Late07:01 Courage to Act07:26 Closing and Credits This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 391: Healing Sexual Dysfunction Through The Body 18.05.2026 45min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews pelvic work practitioners Ashley Rose and Martin Beaudoin about how pelvic restrictions and misdiagnosed physical issues can contribute to low libido, anorgasmia, dyspareunia, vulvodynia, pudendal neuralgia, and relationship strain. They describe pelvic work as broader than Kegels, involving fascia, nerves, organ positioning, blood and lymph flow, breath, and somatic “interviews” through palpation that can surface emotions and trauma. Martin explains assessing the body first, collaborating with partners when relevant, and using pleasure points and orgasmic response to change physiology and support healing. Ashley outlines a client-led, consent-based “buffet” of tools (somatics, sexology, ethical touch, transpersonal approaches), emphasizing readiness and choice. They discuss trainings, intensives, collaboration with medical and therapeutic providers, and share where to find them online.00:00 Show Intro00:44 Meet The Guests01:27 Why They Do This Work03:39 Pelvic Issues And Sex05:41 Beyond Kegels08:55 Pleasure Anatomy Examples11:34 Client Aha Moments14:32 What Sessions Look Like18:54 Martin Approach And Misdiagnosis24:55 Pleasure As Medicine26:21 Substack Midroll Break27:00 How Fast Results Come27:42 Who This Helps Most29:45 Ethical Pleasure Space32:42 Martin On Symptoms36:32 Trainings And Intensives37:54 Vision With Medicine43:10 Where To Find Them44:29 Podcast Closing CreditsJessa's substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBios:Ashley's somatic and therapeutic work is informed by Somatic Sex Education, Hakomi, IFS, The Beaudoin Method for Pelvic Care, Relational Life Therapy for couples and transpersonal psychology inspired by the text “A Course In Miracles”. Ashley is passionate about people being free to understand and feel their authentic eroticism beyond all the layers life can impose upon individuals. She works with all genders, in an anti-oppression framework, with support for a variety of sexual perspectives, backgrounds and degrees of experience*****Martin's interest in bodywork began at age 14. He was first attracted to energy work, Swedish massage, and Reflexology & quickly developed a passion for anatomy. After a 23 year career as a university professor (Linguistics and Speech Pathology), Martin retired and began working full time as a bodyworker. Since then, Martin has trained in Craniosacral, Structural/Myofascial, Neurokinetic Therapy, Chi Nei Tsang, Karsai Nei Tsang, Thai Massage, Tantric Yoni Massage, Compassionate Inquiry & Visceral Manipulation. His work is a blend of these modalities and a gynaecological model he himself developed to respond to common and complex pelvic issues for women. He has developed various protocols and interventions through clinical research and now runs a school to teach others to do the same. www.beaudoinbodywork.comwww.ashleyelisabethrose.ca This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe
• 
  Ep. 390: [Soapbox] Easygoing; Hard to Live With 14.05.2026 8min

  Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains how being “easygoing” or people-pleasing—rarely stating preferences and letting a partner decide—can create a hidden burden in relationships. She describes clients who didn’t realize how constant small decisions (meals, plans, TV) led to their partner’s decision fatigue and reduced connection because the partner couldn’t encounter their wants, opinions, and priorities. Zimmerman shares a practical exercise: carrying an object (like Legos) as a reminder to voice “I want/I would like” five times a day, which helped one couple reduce overwhelm and increase mutual satisfaction. She also outlines common roots of easygoing behavior, including being praised for it, growing up around someone with bigger needs, or learning to disconnect from desires to avoid disappointment.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Topic Setup01:41 Lego Pocket Exercise02:30 Decision Fatigue Relief04:29 Why Easygoing Hurts05:11 How It Develops06:55 Try a New Habit07:11 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.bettersexpodcast.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe