Playing With Fire

Епизоде

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  257 Conflict as Growth: Deepening Intimacy through Disagreement 19.09.2026 51мин

  When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected.The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship. In fact, generative conflict is the pathway to deeper connection and growth. This conversation gets real about the extremes of dysfunctional conflict (cheap peace and violent disagreement), what generative conflict actually looks like, and how it can bring people together instead of pulling them apart.In this episode, we talk about:— Why conflict isn't a sign that something's wrong with your relationship (and what it actually signals instead)— The spectrum of conflict: from dishonest harmony to violent disharmony, and how to find the generative middle ground— Ken's transformation from conflict-avoidant to someone who can sit in the discomfort with curiosity and patience— How gender dynamics and emotional labor show up in who does the work of naming and navigating conflict— The power of asking "what else is it?" instead of dismissing someone's feelings or getting defensive— Why making space for your partner's inner child (and historical wounds) can be relationship-changing— The difference between taking something personally and taking it on—and how ego strength plays a role— Practical skills that have reduced our conflict duration by 90% (seriously)— Why repair can and should start during the conflict, not just after— How conflict skills become even more essential when you're opening your relationship— The importance of curiosity, vulnerability, and dropping defensiveness when things get heated— Why hypervigilance from childhood can make us defend against there being "more" to a conflictResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Repair Skills Playlist— Our Imago Dialogue PlaylistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  256 Leaving High-Demand Religion and Exploring Non-Monogamy with Natasha Helfer 12.09.2026 48мин

  Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up to a wealth of opportunities, but they can also bring a whole lot of uncertainty online. That’s why we're thrilled to bring you this conversation with Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist supervisor and licensed marriage and family therapist with 30 years of experience working at the intersection of conservative religious upbringing, sexuality, and internalized sexual shame.Natasha was excommunicated from the Mormon church for her advocacy work, so alongside her professional expertise, she brings a wealth of lived experience to this topic. If you've ever struggled with the aftermath of purity culture, if you're deconstructing from high-demand religion while exploring non-monogamy, or if you're supporting someone through this journey, this episode offers validation, insight, and practical frameworks for understanding what's really happening during deconstruction and reconstruction.In this episode, we talk about:— What makes a religion "high-demand" and why sexual behavior monitoring is such a central feature— The difference between being pushed out (excommunication) versus choosing to leave, and why both can be traumatic— Why deconstruction is not a linear process with a clear endpoint— How compulsory monogamy in mainstream culture mirrors compulsory polygamy in fundamentalist communities (and why that realization is so important)— The challenge of doing adolescent developmental work in midlife while simultaneously navigating midlife transitions— Why people deconstructing from one thing (like religion) often start questioning everything else (like monogamy), and why that's actually a natural part of the process— The grief of leaving certainty behind, both religious certainty and the certainty of traditional relationship structures— Practical therapeutic approaches— Why reconstruction work is just as important as deconstruction, and how to build a new identity and value system— The reality that old messaging and shame will resurface periodically—and why accepting that actually helps you move forward— How privilege (race, gender, sexual orientation) dramatically impacts the severity of religious traumaResources mentioned in this episode:— Find Natasha at natashahelfer.com— Natasha’s group practice, Symmetry Counseling— Natasha's seven-week educational group for people exploring ethical non-monogamyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  255 When should we start making agreements in NEW relationships? 05.09.2026 49мин

  Here’s a question we get a lot – at what point in a new relationship should you start making agreements? The answer might surprise you: you already are. From the moment you decide where to meet for a first date, you're making agreements. But most of us are worried about being ‘too much’ or making a fuss, so we walk around with unspoken expectations, trying to be ‘cool’ and ‘chill,’ hoping everything will just magically work out.Agreements might seem like a vibe-killer, but in reality, the fear of seeming too rigid or demanding can set you up for heartbreak, confusion, and a whole lot of unnecessary pain. The truth is, agreements aren't about constraining your relationships or killing spontaneity. They're about making your expectations visible so you can actually relate to each other instead of just hoping you're on the same page. This is especially relevant when we shift from monogamy to non-monogamy, because our entire framework for safety, trust, and connection changes, and clear agreements become essential.In this episode, we talk about:— Why you're already making agreements whether you realize it or not (and why pretending you're not is causing problems)— The difference between implicit expectations and explicit agreements, and why making them visible changes everything— The problems that come along with the fear of "not being cool" or "asking for too much"— Why every agreement you make is actually with yourself, not your partner (this is a game-changer)— The power of starting small— How to handle asymmetries in relationships without pretending everything is "fair" or "equal"— Why agreements need revisit dates built in, and how to avoid only renegotiating when someone's already hurt— The liberation that comes from knowing where you stand, even when the agreement isn't what you'd prefer— How to make "minimum viable agreements" and first-draft agreements that you can adjust as you learn what you actually want— Why defining your terms matters more than you think— The difference between spontaneity and intentionality, and why you can have both— How clear agreements actually reduce anxiety and transform your nervous system— Why people avoid making agreements early (hint: they don't want to discover incompatibilities)— The importance of acknowledging what you want and need, even before you're totally sure what that isResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on weasel words and how they undermine agreements— Our episode on relationship agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  254 How to Figure Out What You Want and Need: An Insider’s Experience of YOO 29.08.2026 1ч 4мин

  Figuring out what your wants and needs might sound simple, but it’s often… really not.To help you navigate this question, we’re bringing you a super special episode in a never-before-seen (and possibly never to be seen again!) format. This episode is excerpted from a community call inside The Year Of Opening®, our private community for people who are on the path of individuation and de-centering monogamy. Wants and needs was a highly requested topic, and the resulting call was truly special. Everyone you’ll hear in this call consented to having the audio shared as a PWF episode, and we are thrilled to invite you into this inside peek!In this episode, we talk about:— Why many of us struggle to name our wants, and how our histories shape our relationship with desire— The difference between needs and wants, and why that distinction matters in non-monogamy— How the mono-mind limits our imagination of what's possible— The protective mechanisms we use to avoid wanting— Why some people enjoy longing and yearning while others find it unbearable— The concept of limerence and how fantasy can both serve and limit us— Using envy as a tool for desire excavation (and when envy becomes destructive)— How to create containers for exploratory conversations about desires— Why trusting your partner's "no" is essential for feeling safe to express your "yes"— The difference between wants you've been sold and wants that authentically arise from within— Practical strategies for desire excavation— How to write solo MVAs (Minimum Viable Agreements) with yourself about your boundaries and capacitiesJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  253 The Shadow of Compersion 15.08.2026 43мин

  Compersion – feeling joy for another person’s joy – is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to non-monogamy. But, like anything that’s bright and shiny, there’s a shadow side to compersion, and we’ve seen it become a stumbling block in non-monogamous relationships time and time again.When we elevate compersion as a virtue in polyamory, we accidentally create some real problems. Surprisingly, the shadow of compersion isn't about jealousy at all—it's about the pressure, the performance, and the unintended consequences of treating compersion like a moral requirement. If compersion is virtuous, does that mean the absence of compersion is a moral failing? Most of us would say no, but conversations within our communities often tell a different story; people who experience compersion are elevated, celebrated, and held up as examples of "doing non-monogamy right," while those who don't feel compersion end up feeling like they're failing at non-monogamy.In this episode, we talk about:— Why compersion and jealousy are not mutually exclusive (you can feel both at the same time!)— The dangerous elevation of compersion as a virtue and what that does to people who don't experience it easily— How the pressure to feel compersion can lead to performative emotions and enmeshment— The difference between big, electric compersion and the subtle, quiet bubbles of compersion that are easy to miss— Why your partner doesn't owe you compersion, and why demanding it creates unhealthy dynamics— The importance of neutrality and consent as valid emotional states (not everything has to feel good to be okay)— How focusing too much on compersion can cause us to neglect other important emotions like grief, envy, and jealousy— The archetypal nature of emotions and why we need to tend to all of them, not just the "positive" ones— Why jealousy isn't something we can or should transmute into compersion— Practical ways to interrupt harmful cultural conversations that demonize jealousy or pressure people to feel compersion— How to cultivate the attitude of compersion without requiring yourself to feel the emotionResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 157 What is Compersion? with Dr. Marie ThouinJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  252 Triad Life in a World of Couples with Margo, Jody & Chris 01.08.2026 1ч 15мин

  Relationships are messy, and when you re-imagine life with three instead of two, well, let's just say the complexity multiplies in ways you might not expect, even if you've been practicing non-monogamy for decades. So what does it actually take to build a throuple that both honors each person's individuality and creates a beautiful togetherness? And how do you navigate that when each person brings their own neurodivergence, relationship history, and vision of what love should look like?This week, we're sitting down with Margo, Chris, and Jodi—affectionately known as "the Throupledom"—to talk about their journey of building a relationship that defies easy categorization. These three incredible humans are Year Of Opening® alums, and what unfolded inside their cohort was nothing short of transformative. They've experimented with living arrangements, deconstructed couples privilege from multiple angles, navigated different timelines of NRE wearing off, and created space for one partner to explore mono-amory while staying in a throuple.If you've ever wondered whether it's possible to be in a committed multi-partner relationship while honoring radically different relationship orientations, or if you're curious about what it really takes to dismantle default relationship structures, this conversation is for you.In this episode, we talk about:— How Chris and Margo's 20+ years of "messy" non-monogamy didn't fully prepare them for the game-changing nature of this triad— Why Jodi falling in love for the first time brought up all the "mono normie Disney princess brouhaha" neither of them expected— The pivotal moment when Jodi admitted, "I was trying to break you two up," and how that radical honesty became a turning point— How neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, PTSD) shapes each person's relationship needs and why recognizing these patterns was essential to their survival as a throuple— The difference between bifurcating yourself across relationships versus showing up as your whole self—and why that shift was so challenging for Chris— What happened when the NRE wore off at different times for different dyads (spoiler: it got really hard)— How they've experimented with "multi-nesting" and why they've tried everything from all together in a one bedroom apartment to living separately five minutes apart— Why taking breaks from each other wasn't a sign of failure but actually a crucial tool for growth— The power of parts work (Internal Family Systems) in helping each person recognize patterns without shame— How they're creating space for Jodi to explore monoamory within a thruple, and why that's not actually a contradiction— The difference between equality and equanimity in relationships, and why that distinction was a game-changer— Why they describe themselves as "scientists" in their relationship—constantly experimenting, adjusting, and trying again without attachment to any single outcome— How psychedelic journeys helped Margo recognize the soul-level connection with Chris that gave her confidence to keep choosing this relationship— What it means to find security not through conditionality (marriage, cohabitation, exclusivity) but through the ineffable thread that connects them— Why "home" became such a complicated word for them, and how they're navigating the search for a shared physical spaceJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  251 Trailblazing vs Following: The Hidden Dynamic That May Be Creating Resentment 18.07.2026 48мин

  When a couple opens their relationship, there’s almost always one partner who tends to take more initiative – to seek out information, read all the books, listen to podcasts, find a poly-aware therapist, initiate important conversations (the list goes on!). This is not necessarily a problem, but it is a dynamic we see all the time, and when it goes unrecognized, unnamed, and unacknowledged, resentment, guilt, and envy can start to build up.We call this the ‘trailblazer and follower,’ and if it feels like you or your partner is doing all the heavy lifting in the opening process, understanding this dynamic may be the key to helping you understand the feelings and patterns that are coming up in your relationship.In this episode, we talk about:— The trailblazer and follower dynamic and why it's so common in relationships opening up— How one partner often ends up carrying the emotional weight of "this was my idea"— Why the follower partner might experience guilt while the trailblazer experiences resentment (even when neither person voices these feelings)— What happens during "the flip" — when the reluctant partner suddenly starts thriving, and the initiating partner feels left behind— The dangerous trap of seeking "parity of outcome" and why symmetry in relationships is neither realistic nor necessary— How unexpressed resentment and guilt can sabotage relationships right when they're about to reach a sweet spot— Why taking full responsibility for your own consent and participation (even when something wasn't your idea) is essential for individuation— The importance of expressing gratitude when you're benefiting from someone else's trailblazing work— How the Imago Dialogue can help partners understand each other's perspectives and do repair work around these dynamics— Why differentiation means accepting that you and your partner will have different experiences, different paths, and different levels of success in non-monogamy— How to recognize when you've fallen into fixed roles and how to shift out of them— What fairness in relationships actually requiresResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on Imago Dialogue— Our episode on envying your partner— Our episode on asymmetry and resentment— Our episode on asymmetric relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  250 Relationship Re‑Imagination: The Framework 04.07.2026 2ч 24мин

  To celebrate hitting 250 episodes of Playing With Fire, we’re diving deep into something we've been asked about constantly since our first episode on it over a year ago: Relationship Re-Imagination.We introduced this concept back in episode 194, and the response was immediate and intense; people wanted steps, phases, a roadmap—something they could follow to Re-Imagine their relationships. But this is not a linear process you can follow off a checklist. This is soul-making work. It's the kind of deep, transformative process that asks you to see yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship with fresh eyes—and then co-create something new from that place of awareness. It's messy, non-linear, and profoundly worthwhile, and we're finally ready to share what we've learned from years of doing this work, both in our own relationship and with hundreds of clients and students.This episode is different from our usual format. Ken interviews Joli about her framework for Relationship Re-Imagination, and we get into the complexity of what this work actually requires.In this episode, we talk about:— What Relationship Re-Imagination actually is (and what it isn't)— Why this isn't the same as couples counseling, de-escalation, or conscious uncoupling— The essential conditions required before you even begin this work— Why you absolutely cannot do this work in three months (or even six), and what a realistic timeline might look like— The four ongoing conditions of a Re-Imagination— The threads you'll weave together during the process, including nervous system, grief, shadow, repair, and becoming work— How to know when you've crossed a threshold and why ritual matters so much— The three potential outcomes of discernment work, and why conscious uncoupling isn't a failure— How to celebrate the hell out of your transformationResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 194 of Playing With Fire: Our first conversation about relationship re-imagination— ⁠The Wild Edge of Sorrow⁠ by Francis Weller— Two free weeks of Brain-Based Wellness— Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials playlist— Individuation Alchemy, our nine-month container for depth psychological practice— Our Sexual Shadow MasterclassJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 194 Re-Imagining Relationships 27.06.2026 51мин

  When something isn't working, even if you’ve been practicing non-monogamy for a long time, it’s really easy to default into the monogamous paradigm, which offers only a few set options. But what if there was another way?Reimagining a relationship means creating something new. It's different from de-escalation (which implies undoing a path you've taken) or uncoupling (which implies ending). Instead, reimagining opens space to explore what your relationship could become if you moved beyond your current ideas of what it is or was supposed to be.This process requires courage, patience, and a willingness to step into the unknown together. It's challenging work, but it can lead to beautiful new forms of connection that honor both your history and your ability to grow and change.In this episode, we talk about:— Why reimagining is different from de-escalation or uncoupling, and how it implies continuity rather than ending— The importance of acknowledging that our imagination is our relationship in many ways— How mononormativity limits our options when relationships need to change (stay together, break up, or be miserable)— The necessity of creating a "liminal container" – a dedicated time and space for the reimagining process— Why grief work is essential before you can truly reimagine something new— The challenge of letting go of what was while maintaining connection— How repair work fits into reimagination (hint: you can't skip it!)— The importance of nervous system regulation during times of uncertainty— Why creating new, explicit agreements is crucial for your reimagined relationship— The value of celebrating when you successfully reimagine a relationship into something new— How the language of "reimagining" itself can be empowering and create possibilitiesResources mentioned in this episode:— The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller— Episode 152: How to Take Intentional Relationship Breaks— Episode 172: Grieving ChangeJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  249 Is Your Non‑Monogamy Actually Just Two Monogamies? 20.06.2026 48мин

  So you made the transition to non-monogamy… but you ended up feeling like you’re living two separate parallel lives in different relationships. This might not seem like that big a deal from the outside, but in many cases, having a siloed relational life can cause profound suffering.This isn’t just about having different relationships with different people (that’s normal and healthy, whether you’re monogamous or not!). It’s about psychological fragmentation that can lead to broken commitments, memory gaps, and a sense of wrongness you can’t seem to shake.I call this bifurcated monogamy—a phenomenon where people unconsciously split their relational world into separate, incompatible realities. If you've ever struggled with time management between partners, found yourself unable to remember important details, or felt completely broken when two partners are in the same room together, this episode will help you understand what's happening and what you can do about it.In this episode, we talk about:— What bifurcated monogamy actually is and how it differs from healthy parallel polyamory— Psychological splitting and how it shows up in non-monogamous relationships— The difference between holding multiplicity as your whole self versus fragmenting into separate selves— Red flags to watch for: time blindness, memory gaps, mutually exclusive commitments, and feeling "broken" when partners are together— How internalized polyphobia fuels the unconscious need to split our relational worlds— The role of mono-normative conditioning and why we have to keep "squeegeeing our souls" of these projections— Ken's personal experiences with this phenomenon across romantic relationships, co-parenting dynamics, and even professional contexts— Why privacy needs versus transparency needs can create impossible situations without awareness— The protective mechanism behind splitting and why it makes sense (even though it doesn't actually protect us)— Practical tools for addressing bifurcation— Why this is something to bring to therapy or coaching rather than trying to white-knuckle your way through— How to know if you've created relational situations that genuinely cannot coexist versus situations that need better integrationResources mentioned in this episode:— Our episode on transition management— Learn more about relationship agreementsJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  248 Beyond People-Pleasing: Practicing Healthy Autonomy in Relationships 13.06.2026 44мин

  People pleasing is not an effective strategy on the path to healthy, conscious relating. But adopting an approach towards autonomy that amounts to ‘I don’t owe anyone anything’ is…not it either. These extremes were adaptive patterns; they helped us survive difficult childhoods, but they don’t help us much as adults.True autonomy, when you really understand it and put it into practice, will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and allow you to experience a new level of freedom. And non-monogamy presents a wealth of opportunities for coming into a deeper relationship with your own autonomy and that of your partners.In this episode, we talk about:— What autonomy actually means (and what it doesn't mean)— The difference between autonomy and individuation, and why that matters— How autonomy can be weaponized or used defensively in relationships— The tension between wanting autonomy and wanting deep interconnection with others— Why "you don't owe anyone anything" is a problematic framework for relationships— The horseshoe effect: how enmeshment and individualism can actually loop back around to each other— The subtle language patterns that reveal whether you're truly practicing autonomy or deflecting responsibility— Permission-based dynamics vs. responsibility-based autonomy— How cultural expectations around monogamy influence our understanding of autonomy— The importance of grounding into your autonomous self while hinging between multiple partners— Why writing down (or recording) your agreements can reveal unconscious patterns in how you relate to autonomy— How practicing real autonomy actually strengthens your relationships rather than weakening themJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  247 Non-Monogamy, Mono-Mind: The Invisible Scripts Running Your Communication 06.06.2026 42мин

  Chances are, if you know one thing about conscious relating, it’s that communication is key. And if you’re good at communicating in monogamous relationships, you might think that those skills will easily transfer to polyamory. But even when you’re doing non-monogamy, there’s often a set of invisible monogamous scripts making things a lot harder without you even realizing it.This isn’t easy to spot, let alone navigate. When we leave monogamy, we leave behind all those default cultural scripts that (supposedly!) give us shared baseline understandings of what is normal and reasonable to expect in relationships. Except… often we haven’t actually left them behind. And constantly questioning whether or not these unspoken assumptions and cognitive shortcuts are running in the background of your communication can be exhausting. So if you’re finding communication in non-monogamy to be tiring and difficult for reasons you can’t easily identify, this one is for you.In this episode, we talk about:— Why many people who consider themselves "great communicators" struggle when they start doing non-monogamy— The invisible ways we rely on cultural scripts and shortcuts to make communication easier— How the brain conserves energy through defaults, and what happens when we step outside those defaults— The difference between implicit and explicit communication styles, and why mismatches can cause real pain— Why one partner might find all the processing nourishing while the other finds it exhausting— The myth that relationships should be "just fun" and why that can lead to avoiding necessary communication— How to reframe difficult conversations as part of the relationship rather than obstacles to it— Building capacity for hard conversations over time (it's like going to the gym!)— The power of using structured tools like Imago Dialogue and the apology and accountability ladder— Why preparing for conversations isn't unromantic—it's actually deeply caring— The role of regular check-ins in creating space for thoughtful, prepared communication— How new partners and metamours shift the entire relational field, even when you're not directly relating to them— Learning to tolerate that you won't know everything happening in your relational network— Growing your capacity to trust your partners' autonomy and their other relationships— Why transparency and privacy needs often conflict, and how to navigate that tension— The reality that we can't fully leave the monogamous script when it's embedded in everything around usResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Repair Skills Playlist— Episode 245: Check-Ins That Actually Work— Episode 243: Making Decisions TogetherJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  246 We Opened up Too Fast. What Do We Do Now? 30.05.2026 52мин

  The phrase "we opened up too fast" comes up a lot in the conversations we have with people who are transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But what does "too fast" even mean? And more importantly—too fast for whom?Here's the thing: once you've crossed certain thresholds in opening up, there's no going back to a state of unknowing. You can't unsee what you've seen or unknow what you've learned about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This can feel scary, but it's also where some of the most profound growth happens.In this episode, we talk about:— Why "too fast" is really about thresholds, not speed— How foiled expectations drive so much of our dysregulation in the opening process— The difference between pacing that allows for skill-building versus holding so still that you never actually learn anything— Why differentiation work matters just as much (if not more) than the logistics of who you're dating— The power of imaginal work— How to recognize when you're objectifying potential partners (couples privilege on steroids) and why that's a sign that you might not be ready yet— The reality that monogamy skills don't all transfer to non-monogamy, but non-monogamy skills work everywhere— Why learning resilience and repair skills is more important than getting everything "right" the first time— The profound relief that comes from increased self-knowledge, even when relationships end— How educational community and mentorship can provide the support that makes all the differenceResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Essentials Playlist— Our Nervous System PlaylistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  245 Check-Ins That Actually Work 23.05.2026 41мин

  Regular relationship check-ins might sound boring (maybe even like homework), but here's the thing: they're not just maintenance, they're the architecture that holds everything together. Most people either skip them entirely, do them inconsistently, or turn them into overwhelming marathon sessions that feel more like crisis management than connection. And if you’re only having check-ins when there’s a problem, you might be training your body to dread a foundational part of healthy intimacy. That's exactly why we need to talk about this unglamorous but absolutely essential topic.In this episode, we talk about:— Why relationship check-ins are more than just meetings— The difference between relationship hygiene and crisis management— How to customize check-ins for your specific relationship phase, structure, and needs— The problem of relationship administration falling to one perso n, and how to share that labor more equitably— Why daily stand-ups worked for us during chaotic parenting years but monthly deep dives work better now— The different types of check-ins and their use cases— The critical importance of context and container— Why 2,700 texts don't replace an actual connective meeting— How to use check-ins as a way to feel pursued and seen, not just to solve problems— The power of parking lot items and knowing there's always another check-in coming— Practical tips to make check-ins smoother, easier, and more effective— The meta-conversation: checking in about how you check in— Why you need both scheduled check-ins and the flexibility for ad-hoc meetings when something's on fireResources mentioned in this episode:— The Multiamory Podcast's RADAR format for relationship check-ins— Episode 224: Relationship Anarchy with Dr. Nicole ThompsonJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  244 But I Feel like I’m Gonna Die: What Happens When Agreements Meet Attachment Panic 16.05.2026 51мин

  You decided to practice conscious non-monogamous relating, so you made well-thought-out, enthusiastic relationship agreements that reflect your values. And THEN, your partner actually goes on that date. Panic sets in, and those agreements are no match for what feels like a threat to your very survival.We call this attachment panic, and it’s what happens when jealousy activates our pre-verbal, survival-level attachment system. It’s not just an uncomfortable experience–when unchecked, these feelings can keep you stuck in a cycle of promising things to yourself and others that you can’t deliver.So what can you actually do about it? This isn’t just about ‘getting over it.’ We’re not dealing with states that we can reason our way through. That’s why we made this episode – we’re exploring why attachment panic happens, how it shows up, and what you can do to build your capacity, without white-knuckling your way through or abandoning your values entirely.In this episode, we talk about:— Why you can’t just think your way through attachment panic— The specific conditions that trigger attachment panic— How the fear of betrayal or abandonment can activate infantile survival strategies— The cycle of promising things you can't deliver, and how that creates shame spirals— How attachment panic shows up differently in different relationships— The difference between discomfort and panic, and why that distinction matters— Why transparency doesn't equal control, and how the illusion of control feeds panic— How to make smaller, more realistic agreements that match your actual nervous system capacity— The importance of the stories we tell ourselves— Why some people experience attachment panic around their partner dating but not around their own dating— How to reparent yourself through panic— Why relationships don't have to be comfortable to be meaningful— Practical strategies for building capacity— How earned secure attachment is built brick by brick through intentional practice— Why different relationships serve different purposes in our growthResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 114: Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?— Episode 170: Jealousy & Attachment Panic— Episode 198: Why does jealousy freak out the nervous system?JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  243 Making Decisions Together: Permission, Consultation, and Notification in Relationships 09.05.2026 43мин

  Ever wonder why you and your partner keep having the same frustrating conversations about decisions, even after you've gone through the agreement-making process? Us too! We've discovered that the real issue often isn't what you're deciding, it's that you've never actually talked about how you make decisions together.When we're crafting relationship agreements, most of us jump straight into the content—what's allowed, what's not, schedules, boundaries—without ever discussing the decision-making framework itself. We assume everyone makes decisions "the normal way" (spoiler: there is no normal way), and this oversight can create serious friction, especially when you're navigating non-monogamy, co-parenting, or any relationship structure that involves multiple people with overlapping needs. That’s why these proactive conversations are so important.In this episode, we talk about:— The three decision-making modes and how to identify which one you're actually using— Why permission-based decision-making can accidentally parentify your partner (and how that undermines your own autonomy)— How notification-only approaches can leave you feeling heartless, even when your partner doesn't mind— The hidden ways we seek permission without consciously realizing it, and how that places unfair responsibility on others— Why veto and permission are essentially the same thing (just with different packaging)— How consultation can get stuck when one person withholds consensus as a control mechanism— The importance of understanding whether you're aiming for consensus or just input when you consult— Why different life domains (parenting, business, household management, romantic relationships) may require different decision-making strategies— How couples privilege and power imbalances show up in decision-making expectations— The critical difference between autonomy and individualism—and why self-sacrifice can actually be an individuated choice— Why we need to have meta-conversations about decision-making before we're under stress or facing deadlines— How childhood experiences and trauma histories shape our default decision-making patterns— The grief and loss that can result from making major life decisions (like buying a house together) without intentional conversation— Practical ways to slow down and create space for these conversations, even when life feels like it's moving too fast— Why differentiation and self-knowledge are essential before you can truly collaborate with othersResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 149: Relationship Agreements 101JOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  242 Betrayal Repair in Non-Monogamy 02.05.2026 1ч 14мин

  Betrayal in non-monogamy can feel uniquely isolating. When you've already moved away from the traditional guardrails of monogamy—where exclusivity = safety and infidelity is the clear line of betrayal—what happens when trust is shattered? How do you even know what counts as betrayal when you don't have those conventional frameworks to lean on?This episode picks up where our (amazing!) conversation with Eve Rickert left off. We're moving beyond understanding betrayal to exploring what comes next: How do we actually repair? And here's the thing—repair isn't about returning to some wholesome "before time." It's about transformation. It's about building something entirely new while sitting with the reality that you can never unknow what happened.If you've experienced betrayal in your non-monogamous relationship (or caused it), if you're wondering whether repair is even possible, or if you're struggling with the question "do I even get to have expectations?"—this episode is essential listening. We draw on our own experiences of navigating profound harm and the years-long repair process that followed.In this episode, we talk about:— Why betrayal recovery requires entering a liminal space with no guaranteed timeline or outcome— The difference between repair and just "toughening up" until you don't feel anything anymore— How to reclaim agency when betrayal has left you questioning your reality and your relationship— The interior work required for the person who caused harm (spoiler: it's not just about apologizing)— Why the person who was betrayed gets to define their experience, and what that means for repair— The critical importance of not rushing through the pain—for both the betrayed and the betrayer— How to identify which "part" of you took actions that caused harm, and why that matters— The practice of listening without defending when your partner describes how you've hurt them— Why suppressing betrayal (the "beach ball effect") will cause it to pop up sideways in other areas of your relationship— The role of grief in betrayal—not just sadness, but rage, shame, and the loss of who you thought your partner was— How agreements are "expectations made visible" and why shared meaning matters more than shared values— Why betrayal repair often requires changing activities and expectations during the recovery period— The difference between forgiveness-seeking and negotiation, and how desire smuggling strips away agency— How repair becomes a load-bearing beam in your relationship rather than a fracturing forceResources mentioned in this episode:— 241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve RickertGet the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year of Opening®Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  241 Betrayal & Non-Monogamy with Eve Rickert 07.03.2026 52мин

  Betrayal isn’t a fun topic for anyone. But when it comes to non-monogamy, betrayal can actually be really hard to identify, because we often don’t have clear cultural scripts and shared assumptions about what’s okay and what’s not. This can open us up to profound experiences of betrayal that make you question not just your partner, but yourself and reality.Eve Rickert (co-author of the second edition of More Than Two and publisher at Thornapple Press) joins us for a MUCH-needed conversation about her powerful new book, Nonmonogamy and Betrayal. We're talking situationships that masquerade as real relationships, people who act like they're building attachment-based connections while secretly keeping one foot out the door, and the ways non-monogamy's flexibility can actually get weaponized against us.If you've ever felt like you were in one relationship while your partner thought you were in something completely different, or if you're struggling to name what went wrong when someone hurt you (but technically didn't break an explicit agreement), this episode is essential listening. We draw on personal experiences of both experiencing and causing betrayal, and we get real about the repair work that has to happen.In this episode, we talk about:— How betrayal is more than just breaking agreements—it's a violation of trust that removes your agency and ability to consent to the reality you're actually living— The difference between betrayals within a relationship (like broken agreements) and betrayals about the relationship (where you discover the whole thing wasn't what you thought it was)— Eve's concept of "bees in the closet"—when your partner makes major changes without your input and then acts like you should have explicitly negotiated against something no reasonable person would expect— Situationships and Schrödinger's relationships: how refusing to define what you're doing creates plausible deniability and sets the stage for betrayal— Why casual relationships actually require more communication and clearer agreements than "serious" ones— The secretly monogamous partner who uses non-monogamy language but is really just waiting for you to become their life partner— How betrayal destroys self-trust, not just trust in your partner, and why repairing with yourself has to come before repairing the relationship— Poly under duress as a potential betrayal that can go both ways, and how self-betrayal happens when you say yes but mean no— Why the flexibility of non-monogamy can get weaponized— The reality that repair isn't always possible (and why that might be the case)— Practical approaches to rebuilding trust after betrayalResources mentioned in this episode:— Eve Rickert's book Nonmonogamy and Betrayal (available at Thornapple Press and wherever you buy books)— The second edition of *More Than Two* by Eve Rickert and Andrea Zanin— Eve's blog post "Bees in the Closet"— Visit thornapplepress.ca for all of Eve's books and more!— Episode 212: Repair Skills— Repair Skills YouTube playlistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  [Replay] 222 The Greater the Tension, the Greater the Potential: Individuating in Relationships 28.02.2026 42мин

  Have you ever felt totally torn between two seemingly incompatible desires? Like part of you wants the freedom of non-monogamy while another part longs for that "one and only" Disney story? You're not alone, and this inner conflict isn't something to rush past—it might actually be your greatest opportunity for growth.In this episode, we’re exploring the Jungian concept of "the tension of opposites" and how it applies to non-monogamy. Rather than seeing these inner conflicts as problems to solve, we explore how bearing this tension can lead to unexpected breakthroughs and deeper self-understanding. This isn't just theoretical—we share practical, creative ways to work with these tensions that go beyond simply "sitting with" uncomfortable feelings.We’re breaking down:— What the "tension of opposites" means and why it's particularly relevant during the paradigm shift to non-monogamy— Why rushing to resolve inner conflicts can actually prevent deeper transformation from occurring— The physical sensations that often accompany inner conflict— How bearing the tension of opposites creates space for the "transcendent function"—a third option we couldn't previously imagine— Why paradigm shifts take years and require us to be comfortable in the "gooey" transformational phase— Creative practices for working with opposing forces— How to ask partners and friends to witness your process without trying to "fix" your conflicts— The value of paying attention to dreams and symbols that emerge during periods of inner tension— Finding balance between bearing tension and making necessary decisions when the time comesResources mentioned in this episode:— Jung's Collected Works, Volume 13— Marie-Louise von Franz’s Archetypal Dimensions of the PsycheJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions
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  240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton 21.02.2026 59мин

  If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life.They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy.In this episode, we talk about:— Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix— The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion— Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living— Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings— The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation— How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy— Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours)— Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination— The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency— Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens)— The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing— Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation— Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds— Keeping metamours present in the imagination to support compersionResources mentioned in this episode:— Dr. Marie Thouin’s website— Justin Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies— Joli’s guest episode on Girl Boner Radio with August McLaughlin— Episode 215 Nurturing Established Relationship EnergyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at ⁠⁠www.TheYearOfOpening.com⁠⁠Learn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions