The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

Epizódok

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  433 Are You Open to Abracadabra? 18.08.2026

  In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy encourages listeners facing big decisions to believe in possibility, like the magic in the hat. Say your ‘abracadabra’ out loud and witness how expectation and willingness can build confidence over time. You don’t have to be certain of the outcome, you can focus on what you are sure of at present and speak it out loud. Are you open to that? Try it and watch what you begin to notice. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. I’m excited to be here. I’m also recording it on a Tuesday, and I know that probably means nothing to you, but it does mean something to Joy, who edits these podcasts. So I’m quite pleased with myself. I’m celebrating. That’s, like, the big win. I’m on it, you guys. I am on it. We missed a couple weeks because of Belize and just, like, all the things happening around that, and so I feel really good about being back on track and back with you. All right. So today, I’ve been thinking about this. There’s so many things. I wanna say, I, I feel like we need to have a… Here’s what I really want. I want, like, a, a private podcast where you guys could come in, where I know who’s listening, and I can tell you all kinds of stories. Like, I have so many stories from the last six weeks, probably, crazy and amazing, and, the magical universe continues to unfold in wonderful ways that delight me. And so and so, I, because- I don’t know who listens, do you know what I mean, ’cause we’re not just in a room together. When… This is why we need to have retreats. This is why I do the retreats. So today, I have had something I’ve wanted to talk about, and I’m trying to figure out, like, how can I talk about this? And so I’m gonna say something that might feel… Like, you might be like, “Ugh.” You, you might turn this off, but hang with me, if you would. And if you’re new here, I promise I’ll make it about you at the end, okay? So everything has always worked out for me. I know. I know that some of you made a face. It’s okay. I don’t mean that everything went the way that I wanted it to, because it didn’t, and I have had years that I would, leave notes sometime in my journal that say, like, “Time travelers, do not return to this day,” you know? I, I, I have had years that I wouldn’t sign up for a second time. You know, if you’ve been here for a while, you know the story about me going to school one day, in high school, and my mom dying in a car accident while I was gone. You know, so, it’s not that things went the way that I wanted. Right? It’s not that everything was magical and perfect. You know, that whole deal with my mother, like that did not w- that did not work out, okay? And I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that it did or that there’s some, like amazing silver lining. There are things that have spawned from that that I wouldn’t have had, experiences I wouldn’t have had because that happened. But it sucked, and I’ve had lots of other things that have sucked and I have had decades that sucked in a miserable marriage. And here I am, and my life is good, and I like who I am, and all of those things can be true at the same time, and it took me a really long time to understand that they could be. And, you know, if you’ve been here for a while, I’ve done episodes in the past. You know, a few years ago, I think I did several episodes on magic, and not the kind of magic like, you know, where you’re cooking toadstools or whatever. But the kind of magic where you’re shifting your perspective, the kind of magic that we talk about in A Course In Miracles, right? That a, a miracle is a shift in perspective. But I wanna tell you about a word. Abracadabra. Abracadabra is the thing that you say before the thing appears, right? That’s, that’s what it f- is for. That’s what people do first, right? The, the rabbit isn’t in the hat yet. There’s nothing up the sleeve. The magician has no evidence at that point, and he says it anyway. He says, “Abracadabra,” out loud in front of everybody. And that’s actually the whole trick. It’s not the rabbit. It’s saying it first. And you probably used to be like that, right? You did. There is a version of you who wanted something and just said it before you had any reason to believe that it was coming the word itself, abracadabra, and you know I love w- you know I love the words. If you’ve been in the Navigate method, you know. People will say a word, and I’ll be like, “Let’s get the dictionary.” Like, what does it actually mean, right? But abracadabra stems from a meaning of I create as I speak. And now somewhere along the way, you stopped saying the thing that you wanted. Maybe you stopped saying it first. Maybe you’ve just stopped. And now you wait. Like, you want something, and you keep it inside until you can see how it could possibly work. You wanna be able to explain it. You want a plan attached to it before you’ll say it out loud. We create as we speak, and our words have vibration. So you want everything figured out before you’ll say it out loud or to another person. And it probably feels responsible. It does, right? But what you’re actually doing is waiting for the rabbit before you say the word, and it’s backwards. It’s actually not how any of it works I think we do this because there is an element in us that is, that is tired. We are tired, and we don’t wanna be disappointed. And I hear people say, “I don’t wanna get my hopes up all the time.” Do you guys remember many years ago when I was looking for a house, and I wanted that mid-century modern house? I still get in bed and think about that , think about that house. I think I offered, like, $100,000 more than asking, and I didn’t get it. Somebody else got it, and I was so disappointed. I see the benefit of it now that I didn’t get that. I’m glad. And I remember at the time knowing I really wanted it, like, knowing I was leaning in, knowing I was letting myself sort of get ahead of myself, and also knowing that I could handle the disappointment, that it felt so fun to be excited about it. It felt so fun to dream about it. Now, without a doubt, I know that my perfect mid-century modern home is is coming. At some point, I don’t know when, I don’t have to know, but I know it’s coming because I lingered in that for so long. I lingered in it without the fear, and when I didn’t get it, it w- it was crushing. My little heart was pulverized, and I handled it. I’m still here. It worked out just fine. I’m still dreaming. It didn’t squash my hopes or dreams. It didn’t take away anything. It just was a little blip as I talk to the universe and explain what it is that I want. Okay. So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna ask you to just be a little delulu. Be a little delusional. And I wanna be careful with that word ’cause I know the internet has been using it to mean, like, to pretend everything’s fine, and that’s not what I mean. I don’t want you lying to yourself, and I don’t want you calling a bad thing a good thing, right? I don’t want you finding the silver lining in, like, a shit sandwich. Like, that’s not the goal. But delusional, to me, means that you refuse to require evidence in advance. You want the thing before you can prove that it’s possible, and you say it out loud. Say it with me. We’ll say it out loud, right? Do you guys remember when I went to Iceland, and I had … At the time, I had left my husband And I had decided I was just gonna travel around for like six months, and I wanted to really work on myself and get some space. And I had gone down to Florida, and I had gotten an Airbnb for a month, and I was sitting in bed one night looking at TikToks, and I saw this TikTok of this guy who was snowshoeing. It was in Finland, and he was snowshoeing, and the video was like the northern lights swirling above him. And do you guys remember, I said out loud, out loud, “I want that. I want that.” And the that that it was, it was, it was the feeling like life was magical. It was noticing like just the beauty of the world that I am so lucky to be in. It was feeling free, I think, and it was just like th- I just, I, I want that. I watched that video like 20 times. I remember thinking, “How many times have I watched this?” over and over and over again. And like the music in the background was like … I was crying. So repetition, heightened emotion, clarity. I want that. Now, you know, I didn’t even own a winter coat at that time. So it wasn’t like I wanna go to the w- like cold. But if you guys remember, the very next day as I’m scrolling on Facebook, I see a post in a group I’m in saying, “We have one spot left. We’re going to chase the northern lights in Iceland. Does anybody want it?” And I said, “Whoops, I guess that’s for me.” And it went against who I was at that time to just do that, and it gave me clarity, and it gave me confidence, and I believe it helped project me forward on my, on my m- mission in my life. But I said it out loud, “I want that.” I ordered off the menu, and it came. And I’ve said that here before, and I’m gonna keep saying it, ’cause that’s what it is. You order the thing, and you don’t wait to find out whether the kitchen has it. You just order it knowing it’s coming. When I was pregnant, I, I got the room ready. I knew it was coming even though I couldn’t see it. Well, I mean, I could I could feel it. I knew something was happening, but I prepared because I had belief. I didn’t know if everything would work out, but I had belief that it would. Every time that you say it first and it works out, you get a little more willing to say it again. And that’s why it looks like everything works out for some people, right? It’s not that they’re the luckiest. I, I remember I was in a training years ago, I think I’ve talked about this on the show, but I was in this training and this woman said, “I hate it when people say I’m lucky. I’ve worked hard. I’ve worked hard.” And I remember thinking, “I don’t wanna work hard. I wanna be lucky. I wanna be so lucky. I want everything to just work out.” And I don’t think that- People have more luck or less luck, I think that it’s what you’re expecting. It’s not that people get luckier, they’ve just been saying it out loud longer, and so they have more proof. And so they say it faster, and they believe it more, and then they get more proof. And you can start saying that on… at any age. Like, you don’t have to start when you’re young. You could start right now, although we are young, right? But there’s no window on it. There’s no, like, you have to do this between 21 and 27. Like, that’s the part that’s sort of magic about it. And, you know, I have said before that your whole life can change in a single day. I learned that. I’m so grateful for whatever my brain did as a young kid, however my brain was programmed. I, I, you know, I don’t know what made it possible, but when my mom died, when I went to school one day and my mom got in a car accident, and I thought, “Life can change in a fricking instant.” Like, I, got up one day and life was good, and I went to bed and it was never ever the same. It will never be the same as it was that morning I got up. And so I knew, because my brain did something funky, that that could go in the opposite direction. I knew if I believed one, I had to believe the other. And your whole life can change in a single day. You know that ’cause you’ve lived it. You’ve woken up as one person and gone to bed as another person too. Nobody warns you. You learned that the hard way. And so did I. But the ground isn’t unfixed in one direction. It’s just unfixed. And if it can all change in one way, it can all change in the other way, too. It’s the same exact mechanism, which means that the thing that you could want could show up next week, and you would have no way of seeing it right now, where you’re sitting right now. And I don’t think that’s, like, optimism. I actually think that’s just how it works. Because if you believe that my mom died and my whole life changed in an instant, then you have to believe the other, that that’s how it works. Okay. So now, if you are sitting here in this, like, big decision right now, maybe about your life or about your marriage or about your, where you live or whatever, I wanna say something to you, and that is that you cannot make that decision from a place where you believe nothing can change. Because if you believe that your life is fixed, then every door looks like it’s going someplace terrible. And you look one way and you see the next 20 years of exactly this thing, and you look the other way and you see loss. And then people ask you, “How come you can’t just make a decision?” You can’t decide because nothing you’re looking at has any possibility in it. And I’m not telling you what to do. I’ve never told you what to do. But I want you to notice whether you’re deciding from a life you believe can still change or from one that you’ve decided is probably just finished, that this is just how it is I got a message from a woman that went through the program, and she had celebrated her wedding anniversary. Dinner out, great night. She said a year earlier, she never, ever would’ve imagined that she would be on the back of a motorcycle holding onto her husband, having the best day. And you know what she actually wrote word for word, here I’m quoting her, is that, “He didn’t suddenly turn into a knight in shining armor on a horse to swoop me up on a magical day. I created the magical day by trusting myself to say yes to the experience that I wanted to have.” Wow, right? She didn’t wait for someone to hand her a magical day. She said it out loud first, right? So say it before you can prove it. That’s it. That’s the whole thing. That’s the podcast. Say the thing that you want out loud in front of somebody. Well, there’s nothing in the hat. Everything has always worked out for me, not in the way that I planned it, but it has. And I want that to be true for you, too. I want you to be able to recognize that you’ve got abracadabra- don’t let anyone who doesn’t have abracadabra take away any of your magic. And if you’re in a decision right now about your marriage, and you can’t hear yourself, and you don’t know how to find the magic, well, well, I made a free masterclass. There is a free masterclass you can go to, and it doesn’t tell you what to do. But it does tell you how we can help you. You can find it on my website, just at betsy pake dot com. But I want you to think about if I believed there was possibility, what would I do? I promise you wouldn’t stay stagnant. If you believed in the abracadabra, you would say it out loud, and you would notice what you felt called to do. All right. And you know, when you can do that, I think that’s how you live a big life. I gotta finish with that every time, you guys. All right. If you wanna talk to us about coming into the Navigate Method, and I’ve got something else coming soon, if you’ve already left your husband or you’re never gonna leave your husband, I love that for you, too, I’ve got something cool coming. I’m gonna talk about it in the next couple weeks. We’re gonna be launching the next retreat. Please, please come so I can tell you all the things I can’t say on the podcast. And yeah, I love you guys so much. I will see you, I will see you next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  432: Are You Open to Receiving? 14.08.2026

  Betsy is back from Belize and back to giving us the advice we can all learn from. In this episode, she wants us to remember that our value is our presence, not our usefulness. Are you doing the work for you and for everyone else? Leaning back doesn’t have to mean becoming less, it allows others to show up more. Give it a try in your life and you might get pleasantly surprised. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. I have been missing for a couple weeks. We went to Belize for our retreat, and it was … Oh, my God, it was so great. I, I wish you could have been there. It was this group of people that came together. Some of them had worked with me, but most of them hadn’t. But everybody got along. I- it was insane how awesome it was. It was girlhood, you know? We played in the pool. We did some work on ourselves. We d- you know, had drinks by the moonlight. I mean, it was just such a great, great trip. It, it was so fascinating to me how everybody just bonded, you know? And I think that’s just, … I, I always say, , I attract the best women. Beautiful women, too. But I attract the best women. And so everybody just meshed. A, a, lot of people extended their trip. They had an extra day, and then some people changed their plane flight so that they could stay, and it was just amazing. And I’m so happy that we did that trip, and I’m gonna plan another one. I got a couple things that I’m working on that I’m gonna finalize today. Hopefully today is the day. But I would really like to do something in January, so be on the lookout for that, because you won’t wanna miss it. Just the coming together, and it was like we’d all known each other for 20 years, you know, and it was like our annual girls’ trip. I know that for me, I expanded so much, and I felt so great, and so it definitely made me realize that, , live events, it’s so important, I think, for us to get together live and to have that experience together. So anyway, what I wanted to talk to you today about, though, is I kinda have a, a short little thought, an idea, experiment that I have been running. You know, it’s interesting, because, , in the last episode, I talked about how I had started dating, and I don’t, I’m not gonna be coming in here talking about dating every time. I, have to tell you that I resisted it for a long time, and what I’m recognizing is how much I have learned about myself in the last couple months of doing this, and how much I have grown, really, and how much I was able to notice old patterns and actually shift so that I know I have healed, because I noticed it and was able to move out of it. And so there’s a little lesson in here that I have learned that I think might be helpful for you, and so that’s what I wanted to kinda share today. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that I- tend to say that relationships are a mirror, right? Every single one. Our friendships, our, coworkers, with our kids, you know, with the lady who does your hair, like the person that you’re standing next to in line. All of this is a mirror about how we actually feel about ourselves, and we can learn a lot about ourselves from any one of those experiences. You know, I, I think some mirrors show us things that other mirrors couldn’t show us. And so I think that’s why this experiment has been so important for me on my journey. And you know, I, I have been coaching for years. I mean, 2012. A long time. And I have done the work. I know myself very well. And I noticed when I started dating that there was this pattern that was sort of, I don’t know. I- if you had asked me, “Do you have that pattern?” I would say, “No, I can do, I can do it. It’s n- I’m fine. I’m fine.” But what I recognized was that that pattern was so much in the middle of who I was that I actually couldn’t see it until I had the mirror to show me. , And so I’m gonna talk a little bit about that, because I think that every relationship that I had was old enough that the pattern was, like, already kind of baked in. And so, you know, like when you walk into your living room, like you don’t notice the furniture ’cause it’s just been there. But dating put me in like a brand new living room. You know what I mean? With people who knew nothing about me, , no history, no established roles. Like nobody had an expectation of me that was already in, in place. And I think that created this like blank space. And I watched myself do something within, you know, the first 24 hours of finding somebody, that I liked. Now- I’m, I wanna say, I’m gonna say I liked loosely… I, I, I liked everybody is my point. I liked everybody. I, met some really, really nice people. But here’s what happened, is that I over-functioned. I think that’s the easiest way to say it. I met somebody, and I immediately started doing the work of the relationship. , I would carry the conversation, I would ask really good questions. I kept saying, “Everybody’s so nice, I could talk to them for hours. And then I was like, wait, maybe that’s me. Maybe that’s me. , Not that they’re not nice, not that they can’t hold a conversation, it just made me realize maybe there’s something I’m doing here that is over-capacitating to, , an extent. You know? I, I found, , if something got awkward or if I noticed something made somebody uncomfortable, , I would immediately kind of smooth it over. I, I would handle everything. I would suggest a plan when there wasn’t a plan. , I would explain myself so thoroughly, I would over-explain what I meant or what I was trying to say so there wouldn’t be any confusion. And what I noticed was that I was doing my half, right, my half of the relationship, and I did that really fast and I did it really well because I’m good at it, but then I also did his half. And I think that there was this part where I felt like I had a connection with somebody, but looking back now, I realize that it was just me, , over-capacitating the whole thing. Like, when I look back at this, , I’m gonna use the word relationship, but we’re gonna air quote that. , I went out with somebody, , I don’t know, five or six times, and I realized I was doing my half and his half. And that I built that whole thing. I have no idea what that guy would have built with me because I never left him any room to build anything with me. I would reach out. I would suggest things. And so here’s what I wanna do, is I think I wanna sort of name this thing because I think a lot of you are gonna recognize yourself in this. You know, I, I am very good at walking into somebody’s complicated situation, understanding it, finding a solution for things, and making it better. , That is real. That is my gift. I can… It’s almost like a cosmic thing. When somebody explains to me what’s going on with them, I feel like I’m hovering above it, and I can see the, all the levers. And so if somebody hands me a mess with a lot of moving parts and a lot of feeling attached to it, I can sort it out. I can see what actually is going on. I, have built a business on this, right? But somewhere, a long time ago, I think I must have decided that that was my value. Not like one of my qualities, but that was my value. , That was the reason someone would want me around, like the, the price of my cocktail or whatever And I think once you believe that, you carry it into every living room you walk into, right? Every situation that you find yourself in. And so I would walk in kind of scanning for how I could be of value. And you find the thing that you can be useful for, and then you get to work because you know being useful is how you have always understood that you belonged in that room. And I have been doing that for, like, my whole life and calling it, like, being a good person, I think. I have really evaluated, what does it mean to be a good person? And, you know I, I think I am a good person. I think I am generous. I’m not gonna, you know, pretend that I’m not or not want to be. But I recognized in this interaction with this person that some of this was a bid. Some of it was me t- trying to buy my way in to closeness with someone. And, and the problem with buying your way in… And you may be looking at your marriage or relationship with people at work or whatever and go, “Oh my God, I do this. , I over-capacitate in order to feel like I’m enough to be in this situation.” And, , so I think that the problem with that is simply that , if you get close to people by being useful, you can never stop being useful. You have to continue to earn that spot, and you have to stay necessary, and that is not being close with someone in a relationship. That’s a job, and I don’t want to have a job with the people that love me. And so I recognized… And like I said, I went out on a bunch of different dates with a bunch of different people, and then I went out with one person, , I don’t know, four or five times. Couple weeks. It was just a couple weeks. And I noticed that I was doing this. And so as I was learning about other people and going out with other people, I started doing something a little bit different. And I wanna describe this ’cause I wanna be really careful about how I say it And because the shift was important, but there- it’s also nuanced, right? So I did not show up as being less, okay? So I’m not saying, , you need to dummy yourself down, or if you have a superpower, just keep that hidden. I’m not saying withhold your superpowers from people you love, . And I’m not saying that I wanted to pretend to be less, less interested in people than I was. I- and I’m, and I wasn’t trying to make anybody chase me., I’m 55 years old. I, I didn’t have the energy for some big strategy. But I wanted to lean back, and I wanted to do my part and stop. So I am still funny. I’m still warm. , I will still point out the thing that nobody else will say. I can still be generous when I feel like being generous. But I don’t need to m- make myself less capable, but I need to stop automatically spending all of my capacity. Does that make sense? So I don’t need to make myself less capable. I need to stop automatically spending all of my capacity. The capacity stays. I just stopped spending it before anyone asked. I just stopped spending it as a deposit to be wanted. So this is what it kinda looked like in practice. In practice, it looks like leaving when it’s time to leave. If I don’t make the plan, does he make the plan? If I don’t carry the conversation, like every message back and forth, I didn’t have to ask a question. I didn’t have to… I could just say… I could just answer what they asked me and give them enough information that they could keep the conversation going. I- I didn’t wanna explain myself. I just said, “This is what it is,” and then I let them see if they leaned forward. Do they get curious? Do they ask me about themselves? If I don’t smooth over an awkward moment, what do they do? Can he sit in an uncomfortable thing for a few seconds like a grown man? If I don’t tell him, this was the big one. One man asked me, “Well, what is it you’re looking for?” And I, I said, “Clarify what you mean.” And he said, “Well,, what kinds of things do you like?” And I said, “I am l- liking learning about who you are and how you show up. I’m not gonna tell you exactly how I wanna be treated. I wanna see how you would treat me, and then we’ll know if it’s a match And, , I’m not gonna tell some man that I need you to open the door for me, but I’m gonna choose the one that does it. I’m not gonna tell you that, “Hey, yeah, great, let’s go out. I need you to plan everything.” I’m just gonna choose the man that plans everything. I’m not gonna say, “You need to tell, that I look pretty. Don’t you think I look pretty?” I know this is so silly. Tell me I’m pretty and feed me. But I, I… This person I went out with, like, five times or whatever could- never said anything, like, complimentary to me, and I realized I needed that. And so I’m not gonna tell you that I need that. In the beginning, I’m trying to figure out if you’re the right match, but I’m gonna just notice, and I’m gonna pick the one that does tell me. So I think that leaning back let me learn more about people and who I wanted to invest my energy into, and made me realize that spending time with me… Now, this one’s crazy. If you are an over-capacitator like me, what I’m about to say is gonna make you so uncomfortable, but that me just being- spending time with you, was the payment. D- do you know what I mean? , That was enough. , I am joyful, and fun, and curious, and I don’t have to fix your problem. I don’t have to pay for the drink or plan the date. I can show up, and that is my value, is me, is my presence. You get to spend time with me. This shift is so insane. Even as I’m saying it, I’m like, that feels weird. What’s your value? , It can’t possibly just be that you just be you. But yeah, it can, ’cause the right person will be delighted in that. I have a man that I’m going out with, , the third time, and I’m, I’m not over-capacitating. I’m letting him show up, and he is. There’s another guy I’m going out with for a second time. I’m not over-capacitating. He’s showing up. He’s consistent. They’re messaging me every day. One of them said, “I don’t want you to worry your pretty little head about it. I’ll take care of it.” I said, “Yes, sir. I will just lean back.” And I think that this is a really hard thing for women who are accomplished. I think it’s a really hard thing for women who have been taught that their value is serving others and taking care of everything. So I think this is the thing that I, want you to hear, ’cause I really didn’t expect this, is that when I left empty space, men filled it. Not all of them. Some of them left it empty right back, and that was really useful information, and then I moved on without any drama about it. Unmatch. Some of them stepped in, made the plan, made the reservation, followed up when they said they would, noticed something that I mentioned once, some little small thing, and remembered it, took care of things, wanted to take care of things. And, you know, at first this felt really uncomfortable. , What do I do? , Should I offer something? Should I make this easier for him? Should I pay the bill? Should I say something, I don’t know, magical? I don’t know. Should I try to fix something? But nothing. That was the answer. Nothing. You do nothing. , You say thank you, and you enjoy it. And there are men out there this whole time who wanted to take care of things, and I just never gave anybody the chance, because I was already doing it long before they ever even got there. I wasn’t attracting the wrong people, but I was crowding out the right people. And I don’t think that our world teaches women necessarily how to receive. , We get taught, how to give until it, it is painful, and then we call that, , a vow or you know, loving. We get taught to be the capable one. We get a ton of praise for it. People tell you, “You’re so strong. You’re amazing. I don’t know how you do it.” And that’s good for, , you know, I don’t know, 10 years. Then, then all of a sudden you recognize that receiving is its own skill, and that most of us are really terrible at it. I mean, watch yourself next time someone gives you something, even, , a compliment. “Oh, gosh, no. Oh, this old thing?” Right? “Oh my God, I have so many wrinkles. No, God, that don’t even… I need a haircut. My nails, oh, thanks, but God, they… I gotta get them done.” Right? A compliment, a favor, dinner, help with something that you didn’t ask for help with. , Do you deflect? Do you immediately balance the books? Do you say, “Oh, you didn’t have to do that,” or do you start planning how you’re gonna pay it back before they even finished doing what they were doing? I don’t think it’s being humble. I think that’s discomfort. I think receiving makes us feel like we owe, and owing feels dangerous. And so we wanna,, clear up that imbalance immediately, and then get back to a safe ground where we’re the giver, and I think that gives us a sense of control. So what if you just sat in it? , Just for a second, just let it be uncomfortable and don’t fix it. I found this was so difficult until it wasn’t., At first I was like, “Oh, you don’t have to open the car door.” The guy, , you know, shut the car off, ran around the car door. , You don’t have to do that. But, but you can. But you can, and I found that nice and charming. And then soon I found I was able to really lean back and let people show up, and they’re showing up in a totally different way than I have ever experienced before. It wasn’t because there weren’t men around me who wanted to show up. It’s because I was crowding it out. So I wanna bring this all the way home, ’cause I know a lot of you aren’t dating on the dating apps, and I know that. But maybe you’re in a marriage and you can’t figure it out, or you’re in a friendship that just feels really lopsided, or you’re in a job and n- you’re carrying the team or a family where you have always been the adult, you know, since you were 10 years old. So here’s what I wanna say to you. If you’ve been over-functioning in something for 20 years, you don’t currently know what it is. You know what it is with you holding both ends of it. You don’t know what it is. You’ve been managing the calendar, and the moods, and the extended family, and the temperature of the room, and you have been doing that really well. , You soften things so that he doesn’t get mad, and you anticipate things before it even happens. You’re brilliant. You’re so brilliant, people don’t even know half the stuff that you take care of, ’cause you do it before there’s a, a missing piece, before there’s loss. You do your half and their half, and you call that a relationship. So when you sit down to ask yourself the big question of, “Can this relationship work? Do I want this? Is this enough?” You are asking about a truth that you likely built, and you cannot get a true answer from that place. So I’m not telling you to stop doing everything, and just see if ever- anybody notices, right? That’s … would likely be more uncomfortable for you, ’cause you’d have a messy kitchen and a, a cluttered household, right? I’m telling you something much smaller and a little bit harder, and that is to pick one thing, one thing that you always do that actually isn’t yours. You know, that something that only gets done because you do it, and then not getting it done would be uncomfortable, and then just don’t do it. Don’t announce it. Don’t make a big production. Don’t make it a lesson. Don’t turn it into a conversation about how you’re the one who does every goddamn thing, ’cause we know you do. ‘Cause I promise the conversation’s already happened. You’ve already done that, and it didn’t work. So just leave it empty, and then watch, not, not to catch anybody, but just to see them, to actually get clear eyes, to see what’s happening. ‘Cause you’re over-capacitating if you’re anything like me. You’re over-capacitating, and you think that’s real. But the truth is, if you just stay in your lane, you can see what they’re willing to do, and those are different, and your body knows which one you do regularly, so it’s gonna feel a little uncomfortable. And maybe they pick up the slack. That happens more than you might think, and it’s great when it does. We had someone the other day in group, two people, one person in particular, that was like, “I can’t believe how different my marriage is when I created space. I can see how much he shows up for me.” Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe it just sits there. But either way, you’re gonna learn something true, and I think that we are all pretty starving for something true. And, the last thing I’ll say, and, this is the part that I’m still practicing, is that it’s okay for you to just bring the joy. You don’t have to arrive with a solution. You don’t have to be the most useful person in your family. You don’t have to earn your seat by fixing anything or anybody. You can show up funny. You can show up interested. You can show up delighted by the thing you saw, , during your day. You can order something good on the menu and just be a pleasure to be around and let that be the whole thing. I know this is hard ’cause you’re like, “Well, I’m not going out on dates. I’m at home, and he does not see me as funny or interested or delighted by me.” But what if you felt that way about you? What would be different? ‘Cause that is enough. It’s always been enough. I don’t think there’s a ledger that we think there is. I, I think 20 years ago if somebody had said, “Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, I got it.” Somebody said that to me yesterday. “Just show up.” And I would’ve been like, “I can handle it. I can do it. I’m a feminist.” But now I’m like, okay, I’m not gonna worry my pretty little head about anything. I’m just gonna get a cute outfit on and , go up and be joyful and happy and have fun, and enjoy the conversation, and spend time with somebody. I know that that’s not necessarily real life, it’s only a second date. But I think when we stop spending all our capacity on everybody else, we get it back for ourselves. So everything is teaching us something, including all the things that you swore you were done with. I, I was done with dating. I said it out loud on the show. And it turned out to be the one mirror that could show me a thing that I had been carrying my whole adult life. You, you might already know where you do this. You might n- even know as soon as I started the podcast, , might have been like, “This is what I do.” You know, there’s a specific moment in your week where you do something where you over-capacitate, and you don’t have to do anything about that right now, but just catch yourself when you start reaching and see if you can let yourself come back down and receive. Maybe it’s when a friend says, “Oh my God, you’re such a great friend.” And you go, “Aw, you’re a great friend.” You’re not valuable because you’re useful. You’re valuable because you’re you, and anybody worth having close to you already knows that. And I think that is how you live a big life. All right. All right, everyone. I love you so much. I’ll see you guys next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  431: There is No Endgame 23.07.2026

  This week’s episode is a little update on Betsy’s dating endeavors and a reminder to us all not to overthink things. Live in the present and focus on good things. We don’t always have to look for the potential of something, we can simply feel the enjoyment in present moments. A message with perfect timing as Betsy departs for the very first Live Big retreat in Belize! Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.  Hello, everyone. Hi, welcome to the show today. I am getting ready to leave for our trip to Belize. I just dropped Dean Martin off at kitty camp, and he was so, he was so unhappy. He made a little sound I’ve never heard before when I put him in his carrier. Poor little guy. He’ll be okay, but it’s the longest he’s ever been at kitty camp, and he likes Camp Kitty, I think it’s called. I think he likes it, but it is painful, right? To be without our babies So I wanna say that Joy and I recorded a really, a pretty long episode earlier in the week, and– or it was, like, the end of last week we recorded. And, you know, I had this whole plan. I was gonna,, explain the metamorphosis that had happened in my life over the past eight weeks. And then, you know, we recorded, and then I went in to, , listen to a couple parts and, , make some edits that I wanted to make sure were made before, you know, Joy went in to produce the episode. And I just was like… First of all, it was kinda hard– We were just talking back and forth, and I had no idea how many times I said “like” until I listened to that episode. It was hard to follow, honestly. And then, you know, I, I get that sometimes it can be fun, you like to hear other people’s stories, but, , it’s gotta matter to you, and I just was like, “What’s the purpose in this for anybody else?” , At the end of the day, it felt kinda self-serving to talk for 45 minutes about whatever, whatever I went through. So I thought, let me give you, , the really brief, short, long and short of it, as they say, and kinda give you the rundown, and then get to the point, ’cause there is a point. There’s something that I do wanna say, and I think it’s– I’m still thinking through it, but I think it’s kinda like a magical thought. So, so let’s just say here, let, let us begin here. The last six to eight weeks, I think, I have felt like I was really passing through something. You know, I think my transformation, this particular one that has just been closed, I think this loop opened in 2020. I really do. It’s– In 2020, when I was really– Towards the end of 2020, when I was like, uh, I had been wanting to leave my marriage for, I mean, since the week after we got married, and I was finally like, “I think I’m gonna figure this out.” Like, “I’ve got to figure this out.” And that sort of opened this portal. Now, , as you know, I left, I came back, we tried to work things out. I left again, and I’ve been gone, and I’m, been divorced, and I’ve lived in my apartment now for, you know, almost a couple years. So the, so, uh, you know, you would think, well, that whole chapter is closed, but no. But no. It, I feel like- There had been so much growing and healing over the past couple years, shifting who I am internally, and I think that this kind of finalized, like the final push through the birth canal, when I went to Florida. So you guys have heard me talk about this trip. I’m not gonna go into this trip anymore. But, you know, I went to Florida. I came back, there was a lot of grief ’cause I was like, “I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do.” Then a few weeks later, I went to Vermont. That was a really hard trip for me, and I knew that I had healed so many things because I could see the patterns., I could see in my family of origin how they operated and why I chose the things that I did, and why I lived the way that I lived for so long, and why my marriage, components of it that were obviously not healthy, felt kind of okay to me. And when I was with my family, I was like, “Oh, this is why.” And that was a really hard thing. And again, grief, because I came back and I was like, “Oh my gosh, it’s not what I thought. It’s what I s- just saw.” And I think that in all of that, you know, the way that I communicate with, with all of you through the podcast or through Instagram is very real and comes from a place where I’m very authentic, I think that would be the word to use But I was shaky ground, so I didn’t know how to show up, and so I sort of withdrew. It’s not that I don’t know who I am or I… It was just like something had shifted, and I didn’t quite understand what that was yet. So this is where we are. So here’s the thing that I want to really talk about, which is that I went on the dating apps and because I know so many of you wanna know the deets on that, so let me kind of… I wanna tell you that if you listen to the birthday episode, we talked about how I went on the dating apps, maybe, maybe it was like March or something, and I, I was like, “Ew, no.” I was on them for like 24 hours. I asked for a refund. And so it just– I wasn’t there yet. Then I went through this whole metamorphosis, and I was like, “You know what? I’m, I, I have a really nice life. I feel really good about where I am. I’m really happy. I, I know who I am. I have things to share. It would be fun to have somebody that I could do fun things with, like to share my life and to see what their life was like.” Like that all started to sound fun to me. And so one night, I, I didn’t tell anybody, and I just was like, “I’m gonna do this,” and I did it very intentionally. I went on Hinge. I also went on Bumble because one of my girlfriends was like, “Oh, I loved Bumble.” But Bumble, you have to make the first move. Like that’s the thing is that women make the first move, and I can see how that could be really appealing, but that’s not what I wanted. Like I have spent a lifetime over-capacitating with men. I have spent a lifetime being the one, like to reach out and to do the things and to blah, blah, blah. And I don’t wanna do that anymore. Like I just don’t wanna be that, and I just thought if I start that way, like that’s sort of how it goes. I remember years ago, my former husband said to me, I was doing something in the kitchen, and he said, “It’s about time you start acting like a wife.” And I lost my ever-loving mind because I was like, “If I could have a husband, I wouldn’t have to act like the husband. I could act like the wife. But since I have to be the husband, I, you know, I’m not spending a lot of time in the kitchen.” So- When I’m looking at these apps, I’m like, “How do I want this to go, and what is it that I’m– that I want right now?” And I really wanted somebody to reach out to me. So, so I got on Hinge, and I did my profile pretty thoughtfully, I think. I tried to give information about myself instead of being vague. You know, some people will put like, “Dating me is like going to get coffee. Something that makes me happy is good coffee.” And I, you know, I really wanted to be intentional and put the energy out there that was right. And so, you know, to make that long story short, I, I met several people. I went out for drinks one night with somebody that was really nice. Not my guy, but like super nice. I met really nice people, and I think that sort of surprised me in a way, and might be my age. You know? If I– maybe if I was dating like a 30-year-old or a 40-year-old, which I just… I think I put my limit, like my age limit, and you can do it like so it’s a hard stop at like… Maybe I put even like 51. Like I was not into dating younger people. Uh, I think my age limit up was much higher. I think it was like maybe 69 or something. I went to a bar that’s here by my house at the Four Seasons that I like. So, so I’m gonna get to this. So they said, “Where do you wanna meet?” Okay? I had a lunch date and they said, “Where do you wanna meet?” And then I had a– met for drinks someplace else. “Where should we meet?” I don’t understand… And again, here I am, so I’m like, “Okay, I– you asked me, so I don’t know what you want. Like, I don’t know what your budget is. I don’t know where you wanna bring me. I don’t know what you’re thinking. You’re, you’re the one that invited me.” So I h- I had a brain cramp around that every single guy. And I thought, “You know what? Maybe it’s really hard right now to be a guy and to be like, ‘I, uh, I wanna give her a choice.'” But what would’ve been great, I think, is if somebody had said, “Great,” like, “Eight o’clock Saturday,” or seven… Eight o’clock. Come on, we all know I’m in bed by eight o’clock. Like, 4:30. “4:30 Saturday. Would you like to meet me here or here?” Like, that would’ve been great, you know? I, I just– I didn’t wanna be picking. Um, and then with some people it was like, “What about this? What about that?” “Okay, well, that doesn’t work. What about th-” I just was like, “Can you please make a decision?” So, so I’m just observing, you know? I’m just noticing. But I met really nice people, and I had a nice time. There wasn’t anybody that was, like, a real, , love connection, I think, for those first,, four or five dates. A couple people asked me out on a second date. I found it very interesting the things that people shared with me. I had really good conversations with everybody. , I talked with just about everybody for, , a couple hours, and, uh, and they asked questions of me, too. It wasn’t just me holding the conversation. So that felt good. And it was interesting to me, , what people wanted to share. , I, I think, you know- One person told me what their salary was or how much money they made. They owned their own business. Um, and I thought that was just, , an interesting thing to tell me. It, it was a lot, and I think that was, like, they were basically telling me that’s what they were– had to offer, which I get that. You, you have… Like, there’s no, I, like, I’m totally fine with that. Like, you, you might offer humor, you might offer resources, you might offer, you know what I mean? Look, whatever it is. But that wasn’t as important to me because of where I am in my life, I think. It’s not unimportant. I want somebody that can do the same kinds of things that I can do, but I d- you know, you, how many millions you make a year isn’t as important to me. , But I’m happy you’re successful, and that’s great. So, so that was an interesting thing. , I had somebody ask me if I was a gold digger, which no man with money will ever ask you if you’re a gold digger, by the way. They see it as something they have to offer. So I was just observing, you know? I was just observing. So here’s the thing, and here’s where I kinda landed with this, and this is sort of what the, the message I think that I wanted to share with that, is that in all of that, what I realized was that I didn’t have some end game. You know, if I had been 25 and some guy told me he made $13 million a year, I might’ve been like, “That, I could have a, a totally different life than I had growing up.” , That would be a different life, right? And I, I’m not looking to get married. , I will never get married again. There will never be a universe where I get the government involved in my relationship ever again. Now, I’m not, also not looking to live with somebody. That’s just not where I am. Would I ever live with somebody? Maybe. , I see, like, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, maybe that could be… But again, and, and as I’ve said in many, many other podcasts, if you ever find out that I am dating somebody, that I’m like, “This is, this is the, my guy,” they are a freaking unicorn. And if I ever decide to live with somebody, that’s like a super unicorn, right? That’s like a, this– That man will be, have been therapitized for decades, you know? A feminist, liberal, like, I mean, all the things, right? So, with all that said, I, I’m not thinking that’s what I’m gonna find. What I’m looking for, the end game, is actually right now. The– I’m not looking for a husband. I’m not looking for a role to fill. I’m actually looking, is there joy and fun right now? , That’s the metric. And this might seem, , super obvious, but that wasn’t how I ever operated before. And so- I think that if I had, then I probably would have had a better experience in relationships. I have historically spent a lot of time on potential. Maybe you’re there with me. But there’s no more, like, do the, does he have potential? I don’t care about potential ’cause I’m too old for that. You have to show me what you got right now. And if right now is fun, if right now feels like I’m having a good time, if right now is adding to my life, that’s it. That’s the end game. I’m here. I’ve arrived. It’s al- it’s already here. And it changes, takes the pressure off it in a lot of ways. Now, I learned a lot about myself over the past three weeks because I noticed that there were times where I was over-capacitating, where I thought– Where I was starting, not where I thought, ’cause there was no thinking. But where I noticed I was leaning forward, like I was trying to drive the way things were going. And it took me, , about a week probably of, of talking with one person in particular where I was like, “Oh, I can see that I’m doing that. Where, where is that coming from?” And I did some work on it. , I was like, “What is that?” Because that’s not– I don’t wanna replay stuff. And I know that I’ve healed it because I noticed it, right? I noticed it really pretty quickly, and then I was able to shift. Now, I got really, really lucky because the person that I was talking to was unfazed by that. They just stayed really steady in their lane and didn’t, wasn’t influenced by that, which was a relief, and made me realize that I don’t have to over-capacitate. I can just be, and I can just, m- like, be in the right now, and is the right now good and joyful and happy, and yes. And so that’s all I need to know. So there, I’m already there. Done. So, , that made it so much easier. So that is my update, and that’s a little thought of, , if there was no end game, would you like the way your life was right now? Would you choose it? Would this be something that you would be like, “That’s a match, and I’m gonna stay in that”? Whether it’s your job or your friendships or your romantic relationship or any of that stuff. Is it a match? All right. That is the update for this week. I hope you guys have a great week. I will, I will see you next week. We’ll have a Belize update when I get back next week. So thanks so much for being here. I love you guys so much. I’ll see you then.  Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  430: Who Are You Orbitting? 17.07.2026

  In this episode, Betsy asks, are you feeling resentful? Are you feeling angry? Are you feeling invisible? She advises that the first place to look, is not him. The first place to look is where you’ve centered him and where you’ve disappeared. In the Navigate Method Betsy says, you can’t make a clear decision about your marriage from a place where you’ve already abandoned yourself. So listen in and learn how you can learn to live big! Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. This week, you’re getting this episode this week. I know on the, on Instagram, if you follow on Instagram, I was going to answer a bunch of questions, and that episode will be next week. Next week I’ll be in Belize for the retreat, and that’s the episode that will drop on Thursday. So look out for that. Joy and I just had… We had issues scheduling. It became like a chasing each other all day, and so I thought, “You know what? I, I have another thought,” something that we talked about in group. So I wanna get to this. Okay. So there’s this moment, I think, when we stop orbiting somebody else. I’m gonna explain what I mean here. But it’s, it’s when you stop, , checking their mood before you make a decision, or when you stop thinking about how they’re gonna perceive you before you get dressed. Does anybody else… Am I the only one that does this? Or if you cook. You know, you’re cooking dinner, and you’re like, “Uh, are they gonna like this?” I know that some of this stuff might sound like courtesy, but I wanna… Just hang with me here, because I wanna, , uh, like sort of separate this out, because I think there is a moment that this awareness happens. If you leave your partner or you’ve made a big change with how you experience your partnership, I think that there is a moment where this orbiting becomes really disorienting, and so disorienting that you’re starting to recognize that there’s, , this piece of you inside here that is… , you’re not even quite sure where she is. You, you have, like, pieces of her, but she is really contorting herself. You know what I think of, like, when I, when I think of this, is like, you know if you have a cat and then you have, like, a weird shaped item? And they get in the weird shaped item, and th- they’re still a cat, but they’re not really, like, cat shaped anymore. I remember when I moved into my apartment a couple years ago, you know, after my divorce, and I’m, I’m here in my place, and I had this awareness that I didn’t check to see what somebody else was doing or wanted to do, or where I needed to be in the house, you know? I, I, I didn’t have to think about whether my dinner was gonna make the house smell like something he wouldn’t like, or I didn’t have to wonder… I didn’t, I just didn’t have to think about anybody else. And even think about, when I put on an outfit, is this something that would be, I’m gonna say like acceptable, but hang with me as I think through this. Not like, it, not like I’m dressing like a, like a hoe, you know? But is this something that men would like? I mean, I think we put it through a filter. You know, we talk about dressing for the male gaze or dressing for the female gaze. And there was this moment where I was in my apartment and I recognized that everything that I was doing was still orbiting other people who weren’t even there. They weren’t even in the house. And honestly, it was weird. Because centering somebody else, even when you don’t like ’em, even when you’re tired from it, but it’s a habit. It is like a groove that you’ve worn into yourself. And I think when you stop, there is a place where that person used to be, and you have to figure out who you are when you’re not constantly thinking about somebody else. So I wanna talk about this, and I wanna talk about it in the frame of something that has come up over and over again in our groups. And it’s really about this centering and how we center other people. It could be anybody. It could be how we center our kids’ school or school activities or everything about our lives. And I wanna talk about why that matters so much inside a partnership. So let me back up just a little bit. I wanna name, , what I mean by, , centering. So to me, centering someone m- else means that their perspective, you know, their, their needs, maybe their mood or their comfort, becomes sort of this, like, organizing principle of your day. So it becomes the thing that you are making little, little and big decisions around. And I don’t think it’s conscious necessarily. I think it’s usually really automatic. , You wake up, and you’re already scanning maybe for his mood or for who needs what or for what you need to do to make the day m- run smoothly for everybody else, and you’re calculating. Like, is it a good time to say something? You know, you’re running through what you’re gonna make for dinner and whether he’ll like it, and you’re dressing for somebody else or for what you think everybody else would like or what’s popular or trending or whatever. And you’re realizing that you are making yourself smaller so that everybody else can stay the same size or even grow or expand or become who they are meant to be. And I think we’re taught that this is love. I think that we were taught that centering the people we love is what good women do I think my mother did it. You know, my mother centered the kids for sure. She centered me and my sister. She centered my dad, for sure. , My grandmother did it. I, I think we just see it everywhere. , This idea that a, a woman, I’m gonna say a man, shapes herself around a man, but we really can shape ourselves around just about anything, you know? It’s, it’s really the version of us that makes it our job to keep the peace and to adjust. And I think we call it, , being a good partner or sacrifice or I’m devoted to this thing. You know, we, we call it marriage. But, but I think it’s an element of self-abandonment. And I wanna say, you might be like, “I don’t mind doing that all the time.” Maybe sometimes, but then is it conscious? And if it’s unconscious, is it truly a choice or is it you disappearing? And I think it gets a little bit tricky because self-abandonment doesn’t feel like a bad thing when you’re doing it. , It feels safe. It feels like you’re doing a good job, you know? It feels like you’re managing things or managing a situation or, or, or keeping it all together, you know? I remember that commercial, and I know I’ve mentioned it here before, but even as a kid, I was like, “This seems fucked up.” But it was like the, um, I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever let you forget you’re a man. I’m like, look, you get, like, maybe two of those things out of three. Like, likely not. Pick one. I don’t know. But I think that there happens, , in, in our lives when we feel like what we’re doing is really being great, and marketing has taught us that, , our lives have taught us that. And then I think one day you realize that the reason you feel lonely in this partnership isn’t because you’re alone, but it’s because you lost yourself somewhere along the way, and maybe you realize that you’ve been gone for so long that you don’t actually know how to come back. So something that comes up in our groups over and over, and a couple weeks ago we were all talking, and I had this, , moment, you know? , And when I say groups, inside the Navigate method, this is my program that helps women make the big decision on whether to stay or leave your, their marriage. You can find out more about that on our website, or you can book a call to talk to us at betsypake.com. Okay. So- We were talking about it, and I had this thought. Now, this might be a thought y- that you’re gonna be like, “This is an obvious thought,” but the way it hit me was a little different. And I was like, men aren’t taught to de-center themselves. They are actually taught the opposite. They’re taught what we’re taught, which is to center them. They’re taught that their perspective is the one that matters, that their needs are the most important, and that the world kind of revolves around them at, at least a, a little bit, you know? And I’m not saying all men are like this. I’m not, I’m not saying anything is absolute. Humans are individuals, right? But I think this is a pattern, and I think when we’re socialized, and I think when we’re in the patriarchal system that we have all grown up with here, , I think it comes up, like constantly. And so you have a situation where she has disappeared, and he is centered. So she’s checking his mood. He’s not checking hers. And she’s thinking about her, how her actions affect him, and he is really not thinking about how his actions affect her Or if he is, it, it doesn’t come off in the same way, right? , She’s making sure he’s okay, and he doesn’t think to ask. And then she tries to communicate. She tries to say, “Hey, you know, this thing happened that hurt me. , This thing doesn’t feel good.” And he genuinely can’t see it from her perspective. It’s not because he’s a jerk. It’s not because he’s a terrible person. It’s because he is so centered in his own experience., His experience is the experience. His way of seeing things is the way. And so she’s trying to explain something from, , the outside looking in, and he’s looking from the inside looking out, and those are, like, two totally different vantage points, where you just don’t see the same horizon, you know? And I think that’s when resentment gets built. It’s not necessarily from what he did or from the fact that he can’t see what he did or from the fact that she has to explain it or, or, even that when she does explain it, he might not understand, because he’s not built to think that way. You know, she’s exhausted, because now she’s also managing herself. She’s also trying to translate her experience into some sort of version of language that he can understand. We talk about this all the time in group, like, what’s his reality? How can we get to the other vantage point so that you can explain and articulate yourself in a way that feels good, ? That, honors where you are, but also he could, if he was reaching for it, could find you in that. And it’s really about, it’s n- uh, w- when we were talking in group, I was like, “You know, I, I don’t even know that it is about… It’s about communication, but it’s also about trying to get him to de-center for just long enough to see her- And most of the time, I, I don’t think men can do it, and it’s not because they don’t love us, it’s, it’s because they weren’t ever taught to or socialized to. You know how… I remember when my son was little and we had this, , toy that was like a babbler. It would talk in, , different languages so that those patterns were formed in his head so if he wanted to, to learn another language later on, those neural pathways had been created, you know? Neural pathways get pruned, so it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. But that was the idea of it, right? And so it was the idea of if I could teach another way of seeing things, then seeing things another way could become easier Okay, so when I moved into my apartment, I’m there in my apartment. I have, uh, I have been, like, free of this dynamic where I have to center somebody else for the first time, , in decades. In decades, right? ‘Cause I feel like I’ve lived with somebody or had a partner or whatever forever, or had a kid. You know what I mean? There’s always somebody. And so here I am, my kid’s an adult, lives on his own. I’m here in my apartment. I’m all moved in. My stuff is here. I have no pet. At that point, Dean Martin was not, had not moved in. And Dean Martin’s the cat, for anybody new. So Dean Martin had not moved in, and so now here I am, and I am free from that dynamic for the first time in so long. And you would think that that would feel amazing, and I think it does, like, in moments. But mostly, it started to feel like I don’t know who I am. And I do this work, but being alone shifted something, because I spent a long, long time centering somebody else, so long that I don’t actually know how to make a decision that’s just for me without even, thinking about them. Do you know what I mean? I wanted to not even be thinking about them. And it, it took me a minute to realize, oh my God, why am I thinking about that? Like, why am I doing that same thing? And then I realized, I started thinking about, well, like, what about my son? I wonder what he’s doing for dinner. What is he w- like, j- same thing, but just with a different person. I think I started doing it a little bit with my friends. I started just, , checking with people. , Before I know what I wanna do, I wanna see what everybody else is doing. And then I realized, like, this isn’t even about my former partner. It’s about me. It is about a pattern that is so deep in my bones that I am just gonna keep doing it until I consciously, repeatedly choose something different. And so I had to start really asking myself a question. So instead of, like, what does everybody else need or what does everybody else want, I started asking, and I, I started asking this deliberately, even if I didn’t notice. Like when I put my outfit on, sometimes I would put it on, and then I’d be like, “Eh, I don’t know that… Like, people are gonna think this looks dumb.” Again, centering other people, right? So I would ask, like, “Is this the choice that’s best for me? Like, is this something that makes me happy? Do I feel good about this?” And I know that sounds really simple, but when you’ve spent, , your whole life… And women, we are- We are, I wanna say created. We’re not created to do that, but we are taught from, m- you know, taught from a very young age to do that. So when you’ve spent your whole life centering other people, asking yourself that question feels crazy. It feels really crazy. And I started doing it with like small things, but I wanted to make it like a repetition. So like what do I want? I remember in my partnership if I made like eggs, my partner didn’t like that because he didn’t like how the egg smelled, and so there would be a lot of thoughts about that that were shared with me. And so I would think like, “I’m gonna make eggs. Is anybody coming over?” Nobody, nobody was coming over. Like I had nobody to come over. But I, that’s what I would think. Instead of , “What do I feel like? Do I feel like eggs?” Or you know, whatever, whatever kind of eggs I wanted. Like is that what I want? Instead of , “Does this outfit feel good? Do I feel happy in this?” I would think “Oh, this makes me look like I have no waist.” Who cares? Like who cares? And so I started noticing all the ways that I was centering people, and the ways that I was still performing a version of myself in certain situations. And I think it’s interesting because we think, and I often, and I’ve even said it on this podcast like years ago, like if there was just no people, I would be great. But then I lived alone and there was no people, and it wasn’t great. It was, it was interesting. It was the way I was still afraid to say no. The way I was still checking with some outside source before I made a decision so I wouldn’t rock the boat. It was weird. Eight months. Eight months is how long it took me before I noticed that I wasn’t doing that, and it was like a moment where I was like, “Oh my God, I just made that choice and didn’t think anything of it.” Eight months before I could make a decision just because it was good for me without feeling something about it. And, some days I still catch myself doing it. I talked with a girlfriend recently, and I said about how I was getting ready to go on a date. I know we’re gonna talk about that next week on the podcast. I was getting ready to go on a date, and I put on an outfit, and then I thought, “This is not an…” I, I… It was twofold things that I thought. “This is not an outfit you wear on a date, and this makes me look gigantic,” because it was all, like, big, roomy, th- flowy dress, or whatever the heck it was. I don’t even remember. And I got mad at myself because I was doing this scanning thing, and I was like, “God, I haven’t even been dating b-,” you know what I mean? “But a couple days and I’m already back to centering other people?” And I talked to a friend of mine, my friend Heather, and my friend Heather said, “It’s okay to center them sometimes. , That can be a choice. It’s okay to dress for the male gaze sometime. It’s okay to dress for the female gaze sometime. It’s… Like, that might feel good to you.” And it was a w- odd permission that I think I needed. Being in this space of like, “Oh, hell no” for so long w- you know, in my own process, it, it was interesting to me because I feel like when I show up in, in coaching and group, I’m so open, like, what feels g- like, there is validity on both sides, but when it came to myself, it was interesting, you know? So it’s okay sometimes, but we want to be conscious of it, right? So let me kinda map out… Let me do it this way. So I wanna map out sort of what, l- like, when you’ve been centering somebody else for years and years and years. Here’s what I think. Here’s, , the, , dynamic I think. I think first you sort of disappear. You know? I think it… Well, I think it kind of happens. You disappear, right? A little less of your opinion here, a little less of your preference here, you know? You get smaller. You take up less space, you know? You make decisions based on what’s keeping the peace instead of what’s true for you. And then I think, in that disappearance, something happens. I think, without realizing it, you start to resent the person that you’re centering, and it’s not because of who they are. It really isn’t, and this is why I always say this in my videos. , It’s because you’ve abandoned yourself to stay with them But perhaps it could have been okay even if you’d stayed with yourself. So you resent that they don’t notice when you’ve gone quiet. You resent that they don’t ask why you’re not yourself anymore, or you resent that they, that they are able to just live their life centered in themselves while you’re over here like a cat trying to, , fit into a weird shaped vase, right? And so then I think you start to collect evidence. , He did that, he did this, he didn’t notice this, you know, he didn’t… or she didn’t ask about that. And every piece of evidence that you gather kinda gets added to this, , big pile because , I think the real issue here, or the real problem, we’ll use the word problem, isn’t what he did. The real problem is that you made yourself so small that you have become invisible, but then you’re angry at him for not seeing you. But he can’t see you, ’cause you disappeared on him. He’s not looking for you, because as far as he knows, you’re right there just adjusting and adapting like he is the center, ’cause that’s what that’s what he believes, right? So now you’re resentful, you’re trying to communicate why you’re resentful, and you’re trying to get him to see that the problem is not that he did one specific thing. The problem is this, , huge whole dynamic. And the problem is that you don’t exist in this relationship anymore. That’s the actual problem, is that you’ve centered him for so long that there just doesn’t seem to be any room for you. And because he’s looking at you and thinking, “What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything.” Because he’s centered himself because that’s what he was taught. He can’t see the centering in this dynamic because it’s b- he– because he’s benefiting from it. So now you’re both stuck, right? Like, you’re invisible and angry, he’s confused and defensive, and now the actual thing that’s broken, it’s the centering. It’s the disappearing. And so I think what happens is we try to fix this by having better conversations, or to explain, like, more and more and more clearly, right? Or trying to get him to understand. And you cannot fix a centering problem by centering them more. I know that sounds so, like… You can’t fix a disappearing problem by disappearing even more. So what does it look like to actually de-center? So it looks like asking yourself, what do you actually want? And then honoring that. I know it sounds so simple, but that’s it. It looks like you say no when you wanna say no, even if people get disappointed or grumpy. To be okay with the grumpy can be really hard. But it looks like you making a decision based on what’s right for you, not based on just what’s right for everybody else. It looks like, you know, letting other people be a little uncomfortable. Like, being okay with that. It looks like being willing to wa- rock the boat. You know, at Thanksgiving time, I think every year, the past, , two or three years, I post this video that I did, like, three years ago about Thanksgiving, and I was going to get pie. And I was hovering over the pies, and everybody wanted pumpkin pie or apple pie. And I want cherry pie. And I was like, everybody’s g- like, I’m not gonna buy a cherry pie for me. , I actually thought that. I’m not gonna just buy a cherry pie for… It’s the holiday. It’s my holiday, too. Like, I don’t have to lose myself just to accommodate other people. And so I think that, you know… So I bought the cherry pie, but I, I was like, even if I eat one piece and throw it out, , I’m okay with that. It’s Thanksgiving. And I think the thing is, is that when you’re doing it You know, uh, I don’t think it feels, when you’re, like, doing it, when I say it, when you’re de-centering, I don’t think it feels selfish to anybody else. I think it feels selfish to you because you were taught your whole life that taking care of yourself is selfish and that centering other people is what love looks like. But de-centering isn’t selfish. It’s just you coming back to yourself. And I think when we start de-centering, especially in a partnership, I think things shift. I think it shifts marriages in good ways. I think it shifts, , partnerships. I think it sh- can shift relationships at work. I think sometimes it shifts in a way that doesn’t work anymore But either way, it shifts. Because now they’re with the real version of you, and you don’t wanna be in a relationship with somebody who’s not you. Now he’s with a woman, or she’s with a woman, who has opinions and preferences and needs, and now he’s not with someone who’s disappearing. And I think for some men, that can be really great. I think they actually like the real version of you better. They actually wanna be with someone who’s not making themselves small. And for some men, you know, the centering was the whole deal, like having a woman who disappears so he can stay centered is really important to him, and that’s what he signed up for. But when you de-center, then that whole dynamic doesn’t work anymore, and that is a lot of really important information that you won’t have otherwise. So I wanna say this, and I wanna be, like, honest about how I see this. And again, you know, this is my podcast, so I say what I think. You’re… You can ex- you can climb on board and like, “That makes a lot of sense to me,” but you don’t have to. There can be parts of this that feel true to you and parts that don’t. But I think that de-centering is not a quick fix. I don’t think it’s something that you decide one day and you’re done. And the reason I say that is because I lived in an apartment by myself, and it took me eight months. Eight months before I could automatically shift to not centering. Eight months of asking myself over and over again, “What do I want? What’s true for me? Is this the best choice for me?” And that’s just the basics. That’s just getting to the place where you’re not constantly thinking about what somebody else needs. Uh, like we’ve been learning… I mean, I was learning that for 53 years. And I think the deeper work, the work of actually building a life around yourself instead of around someone else, I think that takes even longer. But here’s what I know. Every single time that you choose yourself, every single time you say no, every single time you make a decision based on what’s true for you, you’re de-centering. And it gets easier, and it gets more familiar, and it starts to feel less like you’re being selfish and more like you’re actually being alive. So- If you’re thinking like, “Oh, I think if I de-centered, he wouldn’t like that.” , I’m not here to tell you to leave your marriage. , I’m not here to tell you that your husband is a problem, and I’m not here to tell you what to do. But I am here to tell you this: if you’re resentful, if you’re angry, if you feel invisible, the first place to look is not him. The first place to look is where you’ve centered him and where you’ve disappeared. Because you can’t make a clear decision about your marriage from a place where you’ve already abandoned yourself. You can’t think straight when you’re invisible. You can’t hear your own wisdom, your own internal guidance when you’re so busy, , listening to everybody else. So ask yourself, what is it that you really want? Not what your kids need, what… not what your husband needs, not what your friends think you should do, but what do you really want? I remember I went with my son. He messaged me and said, “Do you wanna go get ice cream?” And I really didn’t want to, and I thought about saying no, and I decided to go anyway because he wanted to, and that made me happy. But knowing that I didn’t want to and that I was making a choice to that was conscious changed everything. So when you know what you want, when you’re grounded in that, and then you can make a real decision, you’ll know whether you’re going to get ice cream or staying in your marriage because it is true for you, or it’s because you’ve disappeared and you didn’t feel like there was another option. Come back to yourself. All the other stuff becomes easier after. And I think that is how you live a big life. All right, everyone, next week I’m gonna be in Belize at the retreat. I hope you come to the next retreat. We’ll have details on that soon. It’ll be sometime next year, and we will be thinking of you, especially if you reached out and said, “I’m thinking of going,” just know that I’m thinking of you and wish you were there. But next week we’ll have a really great show with Joy and I talking about some things that have been happening with me that pushed me through a portal, a threshold, in my own experience over the past six weeks. All right, I love you guys so much. I’ll see you all next time. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  429: Not This 09.07.2026

  In this episode the big take away is, you don’t have to know exactly what you want to begin; clarity can start with “Not This.” Betsy explains that naming what you won’t tolerate draws a line, reveals vital self-information, and starts a practical rhythm of change where action creates clarity over time. Another reminder that we don’t have to have every detail figured out. There is power in knowing what you don’t want. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.  Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. Happy after the 4th. Last week was the Fourth of July week, you know, or before the Fourth of July, I guess, and I took several days off, which was actually , a really welcome rest. And I thought I was gonna take time off from work, but , get all these projects done, and I feel like I just was really depleted. I ended up just resting and going where the g- going where the wind took me, . And yeah, just kind of allowing my body to get what it needed, and I feel so much better coming back this week. You know, I took time off in February when I went to Morocco, but that’s really the last time that I had off. , I’ve gone away for weekends and stuff, but that time in Morocco was so hectic. So I feel like it’s been since Christmas since I’ve just been able to, like, you know, take a nap in the afternoon and chill out. Uh, there was one day where it started… It was a nice day, and then at, like, 2:00 in the afternoon, it started raining, and I was like, “Oh, that’s my cue.” I just, like, stripped down and got in bed in the middle of the day. I was like, “This is perfect. This is exactly what I needed.” So I did get some things done, though, and one of the things that I have been working on is the retreat that we have at the end of this month, at the end of July, , in Belize. So we are going to Belize for the Reimagined Life Retreat, and I’m super excited about it. I have been ordering the little things that I want for the gift bags and ordered a couple things for the first five people, got some special things in their gift bag. So I ordered those things. And when I got the order in the other day, I got it from a company called Huckberry, and , it’s, , one of those companies that sends like You know, you get stuff, and it’s, , wrapped in tissue paper, and then there’s, a little note from the founders and, , a sticker. You know what I’m talking about? And I think it’s, , an outdoorsy company. I actually knew what it was I wanted, and I Googled it, and then I came upon this company, and so I ordered it. And I got this little card inside, and I wanna read it to you because it really got me thinking, as I li- as I like to do. Find a random thing and then overthink it. Okay, so I’m gonna read to you what this little note says that they put inside all their packages. It’s from the two co-founders, and it says We were on a rickety chairlift in Tahoe when we decided to go for it. Looking back, we didn’t know exactly what it was, but we knew what it wasn’t: staring at spreadsheets for the rest of our lives. We quit our jobs, invested 10K each, and vowed to bring Huckberry to life, no matter what it took. And what started as a small shop run out of our apartments has grown into something way bigger than us, a brand that is equal parts store and source of in- inspiration, helping guys like us suck the marrow out of life. I don’t know. I didn’t even look at the rest of the website. Maybe it’s menswear. , But the bags that I got, I got on that site. So here’s… It is a source of inspiration because of this little card that I thought about for a long time. And I actually, , I saved it and put it on my kitchen counter, and I was like, “I’m gonna go back to that.” You know, h- how often do we wait to know what we want before we move? Right? How often do we tell ourselves, “I am gonna really go for it when I know exactly what it looks like,” like, when I have it all mapped out, when everything in the plan is complete and I know exactly what all the steps will be? But these guys didn’t wait for a vision. They waited for the knowing, and that knowing was of what they were not willing to do anymore. And that’s the part that I kept thinking about, because I think a lot of times we don’t know the path, but we do know not this. And I think that is a missing piece for so many of the women that I talk to, you know? They’ll say, “I don’t know what it is that I want.” I hear that all the time, and I kind of hate that we’re supposed to know. I don’t know. I, I have said often when we do, , goal-setting stuff or inside the Navigate method, like, every year I’ll do, , a goal-setting workshop, and I always say, , we’re not setting… At the beginning of the year, I, I just never go, like, five-year goals. I know there probably is some data on why that could be helpful to me. I just have no idea who I’m gonna be. I don’t even know who I’m gonna be next summer, you know? And I think wanting to have all the pieces in place and to feel a level of certainty about anything in our lives is really, really valid. And I think knowing what you don’t want, not this, is actually a okay place to start because it is information about what you’re willing to tolerate, all the things. All the things. Okay. So when I think about what happens when someone is able to say, like in our groups, like someone is able to say… And I wanna say, like, well, you know, I’m, I’m framing this around relationship just ’cause this is what we’re talking about, but , it could be anything. This could be your work, your, you know, , your career, the way things are going. Maybe you’re in a career that you’re like, “I don’t even know what it is that I want, but it’s not this.” Oh, like, just being able to say that and have the relief, feel the relief of that acknowledgement is huge. I don’t know what I want, but it’s not this. It’s not what I have right now. And that is not vague talking. That’s not, , wishy-washy. That can actually be a statement of fact. You know, when you say that, when you actually say it and mean it, you are telling yourself something that’s true. And whether it is intentional or not, you’re drawing a line. And , that moment, you know, that you draw the line, you get a next level of information about yourself. And, , I know I talk a lot on here about, like, how our brains work and how we process information. And I know that our unconscious minds love metaphor. That’s why I tell so many stories on here. But I think that when we are trying to get someplace other than where we are, but we don’t acknowledge where we are, it would be like if you got in your car and you set your GPS, but you, it, but your GPS had no idea where you were starting from. , You’d never be able to figure out how to get, even if you knew you were going to Target, if your GPS didn’t know inherently where you were, it would be very confusing and really challenging to get where you wanted to go. And I think a lot of us think, “I have to have the entire picture before I can make any kind of move.” And I think that we think that we need to know what every step is going to feel like and look like and, and what will happen. But the truth is, the very first part of that is just knowing not this. Not this. Because I think that’s actually how any change begins. You know, life isn’t exactly the way that we want it, right? Life isn’t you know exactly what you want, and you go out and you get it, and then you’re done, and it’s a clear trajectory, and you are making all the next steps and the next right steps and the next right steps, and things fall in line, and people come into your awareness that make it all happen with ease and flow. I mean, that would be so freaking co- uh, sign me up for that. That’s where I’m going. That’s where, that’s where I’m going. But what life actually is, is you know what you don’t want Like that’s how it starts. You make a decision based on that, and then you move just a little bit. And as you move, things start to become clearer, right? You push down that road for a little while. You, you rest for a little while, and then you adjust, and then you push again. It’s like a rhythm, you know? It’s not just like a straight line. And, you know, I think the Huckberry guys here didn’t know what their company would become. They just knew that they weren’t gonna spend the next 40 years, of, of their life in a, in an office watching spreadsheets. And so they went, right? They just went, and in the going, it is in the doing, it is in the showing up day after day that they figured out what it was. And I, , I’m willing to bet the site that I didn’t even look at, I just bought the one, the one thing that I wanted from their website. I am willing to bet that things will look different in five years than they do now, in 10 years than they do now. Maybe they’ll sell the company. Maybe they’ll be done. Maybe someday they’ll look at this and go, “Not this.” Because that’s just how life works, you know? And so here’s kind of what I want, where I wanna go with this. I wanna offer you the idea that you don’t have to know what you want yet, but I want you to know what you don’t want. I want you to get really clear on that, on the thing that you are not willing to do anymore. Like , on the way of being that you know just doesn’t fit, you know? On the pieces of your life that feel too small or too quiet or, or there’s pieces of you that are disappearing, and you’re like, “I’m not gonna do that anymore.” And I think that clarity is actually enough to begin. And I think when we acknowledge it, like when we say it out loud , or decide this thing for ourselves, we say, “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this,” I do think it’s like making a vow to yourself. It’s not a vow that what comes next has to be exactly perfect, but it is a vow that you are not gonna keep abandoning yourself where you are. Not in your relationship, not in your work, not in your friendship, not in your health, , not anywhere. And the vow is to stop making yourself smaller to fit into a life that was never built for who you actually are. I think that becomes the work. I think that is always the work. How do I keep choosing myself even through life, even through challenges, not knowing what comes after, but the permission starts with not this. And if you’re listening and you have been waiting for the perfect answer or the perfect plan or the perfect moment when you’re gonna know exactly how it’s gonna go or what it is that you really want, I wanna offer you some permission to stop waiting. Just start there, and start with that line that you draw for yourself, ’cause that can be enough. And I think when you can do that, that is how you live a big life. All right, everyone. If you have been struggling in deciding whether to stay or go in your marriage, you know, you’re always welcome to talk with us about the Navigate method. You can find the link to book a call on my website at betsypake.com or just message me on Instagram. I’ll send you the link. We can talk, see if it’s a good fit, if we’ll be able to help you, and then, you know, you can say, “Not this, but this is what’s next.” All right. Have an amazing week. I will see you guys next week. I love you so much. Bye. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  428: My Move to the Beach and How to Change Your Mind 25.06.2026

  Is Betsy moving to the beach? Inquiring minds want to know. Tune in to get the update, and remember that changing course isn’t failure or indecisiveness it’s just listening to oneself, and that not knowing yet isn’t being stuck. It’s important to remain open as we evolve. Decisions can be amended, updated to reflect our needs and wants as we grow. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. This is gonna be sort of a shorter show, a shorter episode, and the reason… Well, the reason is ’cause there’s not a lot to talk about with this, but I did wanna give a really important update. You know, I, I had this thought and I wanted to share it with you. It’s kind of a follow-up to an episode that I did a few months ago. If you remember, we talked about how I make big decisions, and I went through, , this whole thought process. And one of the things that I had decided to do in that episode, and I talked about it in the birthday Q&A episode, was moving to the beach, to Florida specifically. And I think in the big decision episode, it was, I was really heavily leaning towards California. Anyway, a few days ago, yesterday maybe, I posted on Instagram that I had come to the realization about the beach and that I felt like I was sort of grieving. And a lot of people messaged me. , I was surprised how many people messaged me and said, “Wait, are you not moving to the beach? What’s happening?” And so I thought maybe we need to do a little update, because I’m certainly not trying to hi- As you know, I tell all the things. And one of the things about this episode, and I think with my social media, and I think just with me in general, is that I tell- things in real time. Like, uh, you know, unless it’s something painful, I wait until I’ve processed those things. But, , if it’s something that I’m actively working on, I think that’s sort of the beauty of this show, right? Is that as things are being in development, w- I share and we talk about them, and I’m noodling through things. And so I wanna talk about this a little bit, … So let’s talk, let’s start from the episode where I talked about big decisions. And man, did I feel like California was the place. In fact, I still do. If somebody came down with a magic wand and said, “There will be no loss, only positive. Where would you like to go?” I would absolutely say I wanna go to California. But there is loss, and there is trade-offs to things. And when I really weighed things from , like, from the place where I am standing, California felt too big. I actually questioned, is it a nervous system thing? , Is it just my nervous system saying I can’t handle that? But I absolutely believe I can handle that. I, I don’t think it was that, and I’m, I’m gonna get into some pieces of this, ’cause it all plays out. But at that time, I, feel like there is one aspect of this that’s financial, and I am d- of the belief, and I stand by this, that financial things work themselves out. I really don’t have a lot of fear. I probably need, I probably need a little healthier amount of fear around finances, and I just believe everything works itself out. I, , it always has, it always does. I just don’t worry about it. , I had a friend that reached out to me, , I don’t know, a month or six weeks ago, and she said, “I have accumulated some business debt, and I’m really stressing out about it.” And I said, “Just don’t look at it.” Just don’t look at it. And she was like, “Well, no, I mean, I…” And I said, “Yeah, I mean, it, it is going to be there whether you look at it or not, but you looking at it is making you feel like crap, and when you feel like crap, you’re not gonna be creating more of it. So why don’t we just not look at it for a little while? Or if you feel like you have to look at it, like, block off 15 minutes every night and think about it. But other than that, don’t think about it. It’s not helping you.” And that’s just been my philosophy, so I just don’t worry about stuff. I know that there are thousands and thousands of people that live in California and figure out the finances, so I know I can too. That wasn’t my worry. There was a little bit of a worry of how I structure my business, some of the ways that I have contractors I couldn’t necessarily have in that way in California. But also there was a point of if I’m making really good s- sound decisions as a 55-year-old woman, it would be a different sound decision financially if I was a 30-year-old woman. , My runway would be different. And when I looked at what I was would be paying in taxes, the difference in the taxes was substantial, taxes on my business. And I thought, you know, is it worth looking for other places just in case there’s another place that I would like just as well? But I wanna tell you that the financial piece really wasn’t the clincher for me, ’cause All that stuff is figure-out-able. Here was the clincher. And I’m gonna make this as simple, , when I describe it as I can, but then we’ll dive into it a little bit, but- I grew up on the East Coast. I’ve always wanted to live on the West Coast, but I grew up on the East Coast. My father is 85 years old, and he lives on the East Coast. All my friends from high school that are my closest friends, they all live on the East Coast, in New England, most of them. My son lives on the East Coast, and the thought, although he is great, he’s 24, he’s doing well, although the thought of moving felt really fun, the thought of being in a place where I could get home without… Like, I could get in my car and get to any one of those people felt really important to me. And when I thought about living on the West Coast and having to… Like, you know, it wasn’t even like I’d have to buy a $1,500 plane ticket, although I would, to get home. And so if I wanted to come home every month, that would be a substantial thing to plan. If somebody was sick or somebody needed me, you know, , to move away at, like, was a whole other layer. So this is what… So those two things are the things that I was like, “Okay, so let me just start taking a look.” And I started looking, and I’m telling you, like, when I say I st- When I say I was looking, , I wasn’t just, , looking at a map. I was going… I, I went all the way around the coast of Florida, and I used YouTube and I used realtors’ videos. So you can find a realtor anywhere you wanna go, and they will do walking tours. They will show apartment buildings. They will show streets and parking lots. I mean, you can find, , a map of the world on YouTube. So- I went all the way down the coast. Besides the fact that I have been to… My dad lived in Florida for 30 years. My step brothers and sisters lived in Florida. , I, I’m very familiar with Florida. , But I checked out all the little places that I might wanna look at, and what I finally decided was I really wanted to be near an airport, like a bigger airport, and I wanted to be in a place where it was a blue dot. You know,, Florida is a red state, and it was important for me to find like-minded people that I could live near and be friends with. Now, I don’t need everybody to think just like me. That’s not what I’m saying, but I do have a trans son, and I wanted to be able to have him come visit in a place where he felt comfortable and loved and supported. And so, you know, I finally decided. I was like, St. Pete seems like a really great place. It’s a blue dot in a red state. It’s near a big airport in Tampa. I have some people that I know that live nearby. My neighbor here in Atlanta used to live there, and we went out to lunch, and she… We pulled out the map, and she gave me all the places to look at. And I planned that trip for my birthday to go down, and I’m, was so sure, I was so sure that I was gonna go down there that weekend and find an apartment. I planned to give notice at my apartment in just a couple days, like July 1st, so then I would move in August, ’cause I have to give two months’ notice. And I was so sure, I bought a plane ticket to go to London. You know, I’m going to London in November, and I bought the plane ticket from Tampa. , That’s how certain I was based on all the research I had done, how I was feeling, everything. So I bought a plane ticket, and I was like, “I’m going down there. I’m gonna find my apartment, figure out where I wanna live. I’m gonna give my notice, break my lease, and I’m gonna move in August after my retreat in Belize in July.” And I felt really good and aligned, and I went down there, and I really had the best time. I met a friend of mine down there, and I mean, I r- I really am so grateful I went down, We went everywhere. Like, we went everywhere, drove everywhere, checked every little place out, and I just couldn’t find a place that, felt right. I felt like I was trying to fit into something that didn’t have room for who I am becoming. And I want to explain something about that, ’cause I think this is where a lot of times we get stuck, is we make a decision, you know, we make a plan, and we commit to it. And then when we get there, or when we get close, we feel something that tells us this isn’t it. And instead of listening to that feeling, we push harder. We try to convince ourselves. We gaslight ourselves, right? And we say, like, “Well, I already decided. I already bought a plane ticket. I already told people. I already started.” But that feeling, that is not a sign that you failed to plan right. It’s not a sign that you’re indecisive. It’s your intuition. And you know what’s the weirdest thing, is I got off the plane, I got in my rental car, and I drove right to a hotel by the airport, and I spent the night, and in the morning, I drove into St. Pete and I called my friend Molly and I said, “This place can’t hold me.” That’s the… I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I was like, “This… It isn’t… This isn’t the place.” Like, I knew, , right away Ugh. And I tried to find other places, and it’s funny, my friend Kim was driving me around, and when we got to the marina area, I perked up a little. She was like, “This is the first time I’ve seen you, like, really sit up and, like, look around.” But I found myself saying things like, “Oh, but in Atlanta we have that.” , I was comparing it a lot to Atlanta. And so I, I really wanted it to work, but I recognized that feeling I had, that’s the feeling that I listen to, and it’s not a sign that I failed to plan. . It’s not a sign that I’m indecisive. It was my intuition. It was, it was me. It was the version of me that I am becoming was saying, “Hey, wait a minute. This doesn’t fit anymore.” And I think there was a version of me that really wanted to move to the beach, , for a decade. M- I mean, more than a decade, but really hyper-focused on it for a decade. There was a version of me that had decided it, and that version was real. I, wasn’t making that up. But here’s what I think really happened over the last year, is I grew. I changed. I became a lot different, and I have a level of decisiveness that I’ve never had before. And the version of me, the one who made the plan, she doesn’t exist anymore exactly like she was. And I don’t mean that in, , like a spiritual, like we’re, we’re all constantly evolving, you know? Although, I believe we are all constantly evolving, but I mean this in a really practical way too. The things that matter to me now are not the same things that mattered to me five, six years ago. The space that I need, the word space, maybe we need to define that. I’m talking about an energetic space, and I don’t know how to explain that other than I hope you know what I mean by that. But like the energetic space that I need has gotten bigger, and the kind of life that I really wanna be living is clearer. And when I went down there and I felt that space and I realized that it was lovely, amazing, beautiful, awesome, and I realized that it didn’t have room for all of me. I wasn’t rejecting the plan, but I was honoring what I know now that I actually need. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s like this part that’s, that’s really important is that I didn’t fail because I changed my mind. I succeeded because I listened, and this was a really important lesson. I think it was like a pivotal point in my whole journey There was a version of me that wanted to live at the beach, and that version of me doesn’t exist anymore. She’s dead. There’s a version of me that lives now, and maybe it’ll still be at the beach, but it won’t be anywhere that I thought, and I have to give space instead of trying to push this. And I think when we’re trying to make big decisions, I’m not making this change. I’m not changing my mind. I’m not even saying never. I’m just saying the way I was doing it, it’s not right. Something’s not right. And I have done a lot of pushing in my life, and I have pushed when something didn’t feel right because I thought that the pushing was the same as being committed. I thought that it meant that I was being brave. I thought it meant that I wasn’t being flaky. I don’t ever wanna be flaky or indecisive. And it is possible to be brave and also to not force something that doesn’t have to be forced right now. You know, my lease isn’t up until mid-February. I could break it pretty easily. It was like two grand to break it, which I really don’t wanna spend two grand either. , If… I’m not, uh, dying in love with where I wanna go that I can’t even wait one more minute. , I d- it’s not like I got two grand to blow. I could. I could push. I could try to make the Florida thing work anyway. I could say, “I’m just gonna go down for a year,” and schlep all my stuff down. Half of it’ll probably get broken in the move. Y- you know how it goes. But the version of me, the one who knows how to listen, she said, “No.” She said, “You don’t actually have to do that. You can stay. You can think about this. You can explore. You can check out California again with new eyes.” When I went home to Vermont a couple weeks ago, all my girlfriends live, , in New York City. . All of them live in New England. All of my friends from growing up, my really good friend Molly that I went to Morocco with earlier this year, New York City. My best friend from growing up, New York City. , One of my other really good friends that I talk to all the time, have for years, New York City. Like, maybe it’s New York City. Maybe I could just stay in Atlanta. I could, my lease could end and I could go month to month., I don’t have to know right now. And I want you to hear this in case you’re in the middle of a big decision, right? Not knowing right now is not the same as being stuck. I have struggled with this ’cause I’m like, “Oh, I wanna know. I wanna know,” because I’m looking forward to where it is. But when I went to Vermont, I recognized that one of the things that was so great about being home was my friends. It was being with people that knew me forever. It was, it was f- like just feeling like I could, I could sleep. I know that’s a weird thing. Like, I could just felt like I could just …, my friend Heather, I just wanted to be like, “Can I sit on your lap? Like, I just need to rest.” And I, it was that feeling of being carried by people we love. And then I think about my son. He’s totally fine if I leave. He’s “Leave. Go to California.” I mean, he’s encouraging me. And we also do a lot of things together. We run out for tacos once a week. We share chicken salad when I buy too much chicken salad. , There are really good things in that, too. And I think before I did this whole experiment, I was overlooking some of the really good things in my life. And so, you know, sometimes listening to yourself means appreciating where you are. Sometimes it means slowing down. Sometimes it means, let me just feel into this thing a little bit longer. Let me see what else is available. Let me not force something because I’m afraid of not, of looking like I changed my mind, you know? So I decided the people who think you’re gonna be flaky for changing your mind are not the people who need to be in your life. The people who matter … And I’ll tell you, nobody thinks I’m flaking. The, uh, and the messages I all got w- like, were so nice and supportive. People were , genuinely interested. Like, “How are you doing this? What’s happening?” But the people who matter, the people who love you, the people who get it, they get it. They understand that you’re listening to yourself, and if they don’t get it yet, that’s okay, too. But I want you to know something. You have the capacity to know yourself better than anyone. Your intuition knows what fits and what doesn’t fit, and I think our bodies know when something is too small or doesn’t have the room for who you’re becoming. And the thing that took me so long to understand is that it is not arrogant to listen to that energetic bubble. It’s actually the most honest thing I think you can do for yourself. It’s telling yourself, hey, your feelings matter here, your f- your needs matter. And,, if you’ve been here for a while and you even if you just listened to the birthday episode and you heard me talking about how I was told a lot as a young woman after my mom died, you know, that my feelings didn’t matter, that my needs didn’t really matter. Other people’s needs mattered more, and I believed that for a long time, and I don’t believe that anymore. And so what’s the best way to honor and to, prove to my nervous system that that’s not true? Is to pause. I’m not gonna pretend something fits when it doesn’t just so I can prove that I can stick to a plan. So I’m staying in Atlanta for right now. I’m staying in my apartment. I’m staying open to what comes, and I’m really, really glad that I went down to Florida. I’m really glad that I tested it. I’m really glad I got to hang out with my friend Kim. I’m gonna go back down probably more times than not, and I’m so pleased with myself because now I know. I know what fits and what doesn’t, and maybe that will fit later. Maybe I’ll go down and visit Kim, and then I’ll be like, “You know what? I can see my life here.” But that’s how you get clarity. , That’s how you get information, you know? That’s a, a big difference, I think, between trying to live the life you thought you should have, ’cause for decades I thought that was the life I should have. The moment … I remember we were driving. Kim and I were driving, and I remember thinking like, “I have dreamt of this moment of having the choice to say, ‘I’m coming here. I’m gonna live here. I’m gonna be able to drive to the ocean in 10 minutes.'” , I have dreamt of that, but the actuality of that it, it, something wasn’t quite right yet. Yet. You know when something feels right and when it doesn’t, and your job is just to listen. My job is just to trust the feeling enough to act on it, even when it doesn’t look like how you thought it was gonna look., But I think that there also has been a lot of grief around that. I think I came home, it’s, I’ve been home now for a month, having this realization, am I ever gonna go to the beach? Is the beach the place? , I never, m- I never imagined the beach, , in the cold. Like, I never imagined, like, Maine being my beach. Do you know what I mean? It was always, , tropical beach, warmer beach, Florida at least, ? And so I think there’s been a grieving because I’m recognizing and I had such a realization that the version of me that l- lived there, is kinda gone, you know? And I, I think there was, like, some sadness in that. I had to… You know, I, I always say, like, when we get divorced, we have to let go of this version of us or this version of our lives that we thought we would have, and I felt like that’s what was happening to me. , I was re- I was really grieving it. It was like on that one podcast with Joy when we recorded the Q&A for my birthday, I was crying, I was so overjoyed. And now, like, I, I, now I’m crying ’cause it’s not what I thought. And, a- a- and here’s the thing, I’m open to anything, and I’m gonna stop- I’m just gonna … I, I guess I’ll say it like this. I’m gonna just become hyper-aware. I’m just gonna be being for a while. I’m gonna notice what lights me up. I made a list ’cause I was like, “What do, what do I want?” And I made a list, and I made sure that the list didn’t include anything that I could discount. So this is what I would do. I would say, , “I wanna have, I wanna be by the beach, but I need to be near a big airport. , I, I wanna be near, on the ocean, but I need to be in a place where I could potentially afford to buy someplace.” So everything has these caveats. So I was like, “I wanna make a list.” Like, I want, I want a screened-in porch for my cat. That’s what I want. I wanna be able to drive to someplace where I feel inspired. I want to be able to feel like I can … Like I belong. I wanna feel rooted. One of the things I noticed when I was in Florida was that I really wanted to This is gonna sound silly, but I really wanted to be able to wear winter jackets. , I grew up in Vermont, like 10 minutes from the Canadian border. , I wanted to be able to, to have seasons. And I got there, and it was my birthday weekend, and it was so hot down there. And although I loved it, I thought, “Could I live in it?” Everything changed. So I started just making lists of, this feels good. It feels good to think about having a big patio for my cat. It feels good to have a place where I have close friendships, the kind where you can open the door and say, “Hey,” and not have to knock, you know? It feels good to have … And so I just started making the list and not worrying if it contradicted anything else on the list. I just made my list, and I’m adding to the list, and the list is just the things that feel good. Will I get all the things? Well, that’d be great, but I don’t know that life works that way. There is grief. There is loss in everything. If I go to the beach, I’m losing things in Atlanta, and if I stay in Atlanta, I’m losing the dream of the beach. But now I realize that maybe the vision, maybe the dream is shifted a little bit, and so I’m gonna just let that be. I’m gonna let that be what it is. I’m in no rush. Life is just waiting for me, and I know that when we go through something big like this, it means there’s something really amazing coming, and I’m gonna just let that thing come without trying to push or control it. Ah. And when you can do that, I think that is when you live a big life. All right. Thanks so much for being here this week. Thanks for being on this journey. I’m open to idea- if you live in a beautiful place and you’re like, “You should come visit,” let me know, ’cause I will check it out. I will add it to my list, and we’ll, we’ll see how it all unfolds. All right. See you guys next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  427: Embrace the Process 18.06.2026

  Do you ever wish you could fast forward your life through the hard parts just to get to the good stuff? In this episode of The Art of Living Big, Betsy reminds us that getting forged during the tough times is actually part of our reclamation. Skipping over that part would be a disservice to our growth, resilience and strength. Maybe that is where the saying ‘no pain, no gain’ came from? Enjoy the listen and embrace the process:) Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show today. I have been doing… I, I’ve been on w- I’ve been on what I call a podcast tour. So I have been on a podcast tour where I am guests on people’s podcasts. I’ll be sharing those so you can listen if you’re interested, but it’s been really fun. We’ve had dozens of them scheduled, and I have been doing, , it feels like a podcast a day. I did one yesterday. I did one this morning, early this morning. And so as I’ve been doing that, there has been something that’s been coming up, and I thought, “You know what? This keeps coming up in all these conversations, and I feel like it’s a really good conversation to have together here on the show.” And I think even if you are , if you’re listening , and you’re thinking like, “I’m single,” or, “I’m happily married,” this, the… I, wanna say it like this, like the, root of what I’m saying can kind of overlap lots of situations even though the dynamic that I’m gonna explain it in is gonna be about your marriage, okay? With a- w- your partnership, your relationship, whatever that looks like. And I’m gonna try and relate back to other things just so you can kinda see how this overlays lots of things, as, as things do. You know? Nothing is in a vacuum, as they say. So one of the things that keeps coming up in these conversations is about what I hear from so many women, and it is that they know that they would like to leave their husband. And they say like, “If, if you could just wave a magic wand. , I just wanna be down the street in my apartment and settled and be through this thing. I don’t wanna have to actually go through this thing. I just wanna be done with it.” And I hear this over and over and over again, and I have said this. I have said this so many times in my journal. When I look back in my journals, it’s, it, , there is c- so often, like these exact words. , “I am so clear that I don’t wanna be here. I’m so clear that this feels terrible, and I don’t wanna go through what I have to go through in order to get to where I wanna be. And if I could just snap my fingers and be there, then absolutely that is what I would do.” And I think, you know, I think this process is hard. Any time you are moving from one place to another place that you wanna be, whether it’s a big move, leaving a relationship, changing your career, it is hard. And being in the middle of it is hard, and deciding you’re gonna step into what you know is gonna be like a little hurricane before you get to where you wanna go is really hard But what I realized when I started hearing this repeatedly is that there is something underneath that wish. There is something that’s really important, and I want to talk about that. You guys have … You may have heard me talk about this earlier in the year, but on January 1st of this year, I woke up and I was, I was mad. I was I woke up, like, big mad, and I don’t ever wake up mad. , I don’t wanna say ever, never, ’cause I did one day on January 1st, but I, I That is not a typical thing. Like, I’m pretty, , springy out of bed and happy-go-lucky. But this year, I woke up and I was mad. And I woke up mad and I thought, “This is really weird,” because I love, , the, the beginning of a week, the first of a month. Give me the beginning of a year, , I’m like, fresh starts. Like, I love all that stuff, you know? I love setting goals and I love, like, all, of what n- New Year’s means. And so it was weird to me that I felt so angry, and the first thing I thought was that I was mad at my former husband. And that was a weird feeling, because I don’t really think about him. And I realized that I was The, the feeling felt so im- , urgent. It felt very urgent, and my instinct really was, like, it’s the first of the year. I have the day off. There’s a lot to celebrate. I need to just put this aside. Like, brush it asi- you know how we do., I’m gonna focus on other things. And then I thought, “No, no, no. Let me sit. I wanna get, I wanna get big, big mad. I wanna figure this out. , Why is this at my doorstep?” And so I sat. Like you may know, I have my, my thinking chair. And so I sat in my chair and I thought about it, and I thought about it, and I let myself feel it, all the places it was in my body, where it was settling, h- what it felt to me like it looked like, like, how the weight of it, like, all the things. And after some time of noodling through what was actually happening, I realized something. It was that I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad at me. I was mad at all those times, all those different circumstances where I should have stood up for myself, where I should have risen from my seat and said, “No more,” and walked away, where I should have said something and I didn’t. And what I recognized after some time was that in each of those situations that I was mad at And that morning, it just, all these instances came into my mind, and what I realized was that each version of me in those situations I was remembering, that version of me that stayed in that difficult situation, was a version of me that was adapting and changing. And she wasn’t always adapting and changing to my detriment. You know, when I, thought back of all these instances, and I was… I thought, “I’m mad at him for this, and I’m mad at him for that, and I’m mad at him,” and I realized I was mad at me for not standing up and leaving. I was mad at me for allowing someone to treat me that way. And when I really sat with it, I realized that I was growing into the version of me who could finally choose herself. And when it was finally time to leave, the version of myself that was resolute and clear and ready for what was next was forged because of those moments. She didn’t stay longer because she was unable. She stayed longer because she ne- needed to be fortified to be able to make a different choice. You know, th- just like you in your marriage or at your work or whatever it is that you’re going through, there are so many moments, you know, when, when you think like, “I knew something wasn’t right. Like, I felt it. I had the knowing, but I didn’t act on it.” And I think that is what had made me so mad on January 1st. I was mad at all the moments that I had the knowing and I didn’t do anything. But it really changed everything when I got this different perspective, that those moments, those versions of me that stayed even though I knew something was wrong, they weren’t weak. It was me adapting. It was me gathering evidence. It was me becoming a version of myself that would eventually be the version of myself that sits here now. So when I felt the anger on January 1st, I,, I was angry at all the places where I had the knowing and didn’t act But those versions of me weren’t weak, they were adapting. . We think of adapting like it’s something that happens to us, like it’s defeat. But adaptation can actually be one of the most powerful things that you can do as a human. It is how we survive. It is, it is how we evolve. It is how we become whoever we need to be for the next moment. And I want you to think about the different versions of yourself. You know, not the versions that people see, the versions that you know about. You know, the versions of you that maybe knew something was wrong, but didn’t have the language for it yet. I found this in my marriage, that having the language for things made really complicated, hurtful experiences make more sense. Language is so important, and I think there is a version of you that likely didn’t believe that you deserved better, right? There’s a version of you that rationalized and minimized and made excuses. There is a version of you that people-pleased so close to the sun that you disappeared a little bit every single day. Do you see what I’m saying? Those versions of you aren’t, failures. They’re like … It’s like a way station, ? They’re the place where you had to learn something, where you gathered a whole bunch of evidence, and where you built the muscle of knowing that something didn’t feel right, even when you weren’t ready to act on it. I think that distinction is really important, because we can know something but still not be ready to act on it, and that is an okay place to be. What’s important is that we are honest with ourselves about our knowing. And every single one of those versions of you are necessary. , Every single moment of, staying small, every single moment of adaptation, , every single moment of where you knew but didn’t act is really important, because they led somewhere. So I couldn’t have gotten to the place that I got without being in the place that I was. That version of me, I feel like I’m kinda going around the horse a million times, but that version of me was made up of all those other versions, right? She was the accumulated learning of a woman who had tried everything else, and she was the resolved version of someone who had finally, gotten to the point where staying was more painful than leaving. And that is the thing that I think women are missing when they say, “I just wanna be divorced without going through the process.” And I understand, , I get it, the process is hard, but the process is also what makes you strong. The process is what forges you. And, you know, when I, when I say that, I think about, like, pottery. You know, like real pottery. When a potter makes a piece of pottery, a bowl or a cup, they don’t just decide it’s gonna be a bowl and then it’s a bowl. They have to work with the clay. ? They do that thing on the wheel like in Ghost, right? They, have to feel places where it’s too thick and it’s too thin, and sometimes they have to squish it all down and remake it and start over. And then you have to be really careful and take it into a kiln, right? Where it’s, , thousands of degrees, and the heat is what makes it hard. It’s the heat that actually… I mean, the, it’s the pressure that gives it the shape, but it’s, the heat of it that makes it strong So going through that process, like I don’t wanna go through it, that’s, it’s, it is the reclamation. It’s the good part. It feels bad, but it is the part that is making you into the version of you that is the beautiful piece of pottery. And if you’ve been wondering about your marriage for a long time, or a big decision for a long time, if you’re someone who has felt the knowing and not acted on it yet, or if you have been waiting for permission to leave, or waiting for something else to happen, or if you’re somebody who’s, , in the process right now, and you’re in the middle of it, and it is hard, I want you to know that every version of you that adapted, every version of you that stayed through something hard, that was you becoming something. That was you gathering evidence. That was you building the strength and the clarity that you would have what you needed for what came next. And, , I think about this sometime as I’m making this decision to move. , It’s hard. There’s a lot of things that I’m weighing. There’s things that I never even thought were important until I got to the place where I had to decide. There are versions of me that I have imagined that I’m not sure if they’ll exist in one place or the other. And so I know that going through a move, like I don’t wanna pack, I don’t wanna… All of that is what it’s gonna take to get to the other side. The expense, the, struggle, the hard work of doing it. Now, remarkably, it is remarkably easier than leaving a long-term partnership. But in so many ways it’s similar. But what I’ve learned, and what you learn when you go through any hard thing, it’s that if you could just have waved a magic wand and gotten through it, you wouldn’t be somebody who could sustain it. You’d, be a different person, and not the kind of person who could be on the other side. I know that I’ve gotta go through making this hard decision on whether to move or not, which I know is a very small thing, but it feels big. It feels big. And I’m not so much worried about making a right or wrong decision, but I am worried about all the work it’s gonna take to get to wherever I wanna go. And I know that when I go through that, I will know myself better, I will learn more about myself, I will know that I can survive minor inconveniences and hard things, and that I can make a decision, and I can stick with that decision, and that I can have a voice, and I can do things that I wanna do. And that is the process. That’s what the process gives you, and that’s what going through it creates for you. So if you have been in the wanting to leave but not in the processing place right now, “I wanna leave, but I don’t wanna go through the process of leaving,” I want you to know something. The process, it isn’t punishment. It’s, it’s not a tax that you have to pay to get to the other side. It is a process that is the thing that makes you. It is the thing that takes all of those other versions of you, all of those other moments of staying small, and gathering, and knowing, and it turns them into something unbreakable. You’re not weak for having stayed. You’re strong because you stayed. You’re strong because you learned, and you’re strong because you finally got to the point where you were ready And so if you’re in that right now, and you’re tired, and you’re scared, and you’re grieving, I want you to know that you are being forged. Every hard conversation that you show up to, every piece of paperwork, every moment where you have to be stronger than you thought you could be, that is the pottery wheel. That’s the kiln. That’s where you becoming the version of yourself that can build a new life is being forged. So you already know this on some level. You already know that you just can’t skip ahead over the hard parts. I wish we could and end up on the other side unchanged. I remember saying to my sister, “I don’t want this to change me. I don’t want to be changed.” And she said, “You already are.” And I thought, “Oh, so true.” Maybe going through the hard part is a way of reclaiming ourselves. You already know that becoming someone new takes time, and heat, and pressure. And you already know that the strength that you’re gonna have on the other side of this is something that you have to earn. And I want you to listen to that knowing. I want you to trust it. And I think when you can do that, that is how you live a big life. Thanks so much for being here with me this week. I love you guys so much. I will see you next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  426: How to choose yourself 11.06.2026 23p

  On todays episode, Betsy talks about healing, traveling back to her hometown and how to really choose yourself in the face of pressure and old dynamics. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hello, fellow adventurers. Hi, everybody. I am back home after a long weekend of being in Vermont. That’s where I grew up, in Vermont, and that’s where my dad still lives. He lived for a long time in Vermont and in Florida, and about a year ago decided to sell his home in Florida, and he’s just in Vermont full-time. So, um, he is 85 years old, and weirdly seems really young. And I know it’s not just me. I know it’s not just my bias view, because I saw so many of my friends from high school, and I’ll get into that, but they all were like, “Why does your dad seem so young? Like, he seems just like he did even 20 years ago.” It is a little unnerving. He’s like Benjamin Button, I guess. Rides his bike, goes to the gym three times a week. He’s very busy, and cognitively still really there. I don’t know. I know intellectually 85 is, you know, a- an advanced age, but I guess the older we get, the more young older age seems. And now 85 just doesn’t seem that old to me, but I know cognitively, I know that it, it is. So this past weekend- I went up to Vermont because my best friend growing up, I had a best friend named Heather, and her younger sister was just a year younger, so Linny. So Linny and Heather were my very best friends, and I spent every waking moment with them. Um, if you have been here for a long time, you may remember when my friend Heather’s mom died about five years, four years ago probably now. Um, and I went up to Vermont and just flew in, went to the hospital, and stayed a few days and then left. So I didn’t see anything in Vermont. It wasn’t like a real visit, but I went up for that. My mom and Heather’s mom were very best friends, so our families were very, very connected. And so a few months ago, Heather’s dad, Bob, passed away, and they were having, like, a celebration of life for him. And so I, I, I really don’t go, like, I’m using air quotes, home very often. I hadn’t been since before I was married, except for when, you know, to go to the hospital, when Michelle was in the hospital. So, you know, it’s… I really don’t go. I, I joke that the only thing that will get me to make the trek home is Heather and Linny. Um, but, you know, they needed me, and so of course I was gonna go, and Bob was such an important part of my life. It feels funny calling him Bob. That was his name. But Daddy Oved is what I c- I called him Daddy or Dad or Mr. Oved. Um, but when he passed away and they were having this celebration for him, then I really wanted to go, and it was really beautiful actually. You know, so many people came to the celebration. It was, like, at the legion hall there in the little town where I grew up. And so many of my friends from growing up were there. You know, people whose lives he had touched, and I think really importantly People who find Heather and Linney to be really important. You know, I think it was also such a beautiful example of the impact that they have on the world, you know, and on their, on their world. And so anyway, it was really nice. Um, you know, Heather still lives in Vermont, has lived a couple places, but she’s back in Vermont, and Linney is just outside New York City. So, you know, it was nice to have everybody come and to see so many friends. And, you know, seeing those friends from growing up, it, it’s like a light, nice little reunion, you know? I think that Mr. Ovitt was complicated, like a lot of our dads. Not especially emotional, but you knew that he cared about you. I remember, and my dad was mentioning this, and, and we talked about this a little bit, but when my mom died, Mr. Ovitt was the first one over at the house and just started cooking for everybody. And I remember actually sitting in my family room. Everybody was in the living room, and I had gone to, like, the family room to kinda, like, get away from all the people. I mean, I was, I was stunned. I was stunned and in shock. But I remember looking from the couch and seeing him leaning over the kitchen and, or over the kitchen sink and doing something. And, um, and yeah, it was just, he had an impact on, on all, on all of our lives. And then, of course, my dad still lives in Vermont, and so I made sure that I planned this trip also around visiting him while I was there, and that’s really kinda what I wanna talk about. You know, I think it can be hard sometimes to go back to the place where we were, who we were, and try and keep the version of us that exists today. I think this is why so many people, you know, fight at the holidays and all that, because we have changed or grown so much, and then you go home, and you are expected to be the same. You know, I wonder sometime if I do this to my own child, you know? I expect them to be a certain way ’cause that’s the way they are. And so in all of that, in trying to manage that experience for myself, I decided to stay at a hotel down the street from where my dad and his wife live. I thought this would be really nice for me so that I could have my own space. And, you know, I knew that going to have this visit was gonna be tricky. You know- I, I’m gonna guess that you all kinda know what I mean by that, right? Like, family dynamics can be really complicated sometimes, and sometimes you just need to have a plan. You know, you need to know how you’re gonna move through it without disappearing into it. And so, you know, the celebration of life for Bob was super nice, and, um, that was on a Saturday. I got there on, um, like the middle of the night on a Thursday. The flights, the flights from Atlanta to Vermont are not simple. Um, but I spent the day with my dad and his wife on Friday, and the celebration of life, and I stayed with my friend, and then went back to a hotel the following day. So all of it was really nice, but at, you know, at the end of the night, my, my family wanted me to stay with them. They wanted me to go get my stuff from the hotel and just stay with them. You know, just keep- Like, c- I, and I guess I understand this in a, in a way, right y’all? Like, we want our children under our roof. Like, I, I, I understand this. But that isn’t the kind of relationship that I really have with my family. And so I had to really decide which version of me is gonna show up here. Is it the old version of me? And really, it’s a version of me from maybe 15 years ago. I haven’t been there since before I got married, like, for a visit. You know, before all the things that I have looked at and healed over the past, you know, I would say 2010, I probably started my real heal- healing journey, so the past 16 years. You know, am I going, am I going to be the version of me who used to show up with them, or am I gonna be the version of me that has done the work? You know, am I gonna be the version of me that would’ve just folded and done what they wanted? You know, if they pressured me or asked me enough, I would’ve just said, “Oh, you’re right, I’ll just do it. It’s easier.” You know, she would have stretched herself thin and made herself available even though she didn’t have it in her. You know, it, I think that at the end of the day she would’ve resented them a little. She would’ve resented them for asking. She would’ve resented herself for doing what they wanted. And I think that in a lot of ways, and I’m gonna say something that’s gonna sound very dramatic, but it would have put me in the crosshairs for continued trauma. And I, I say this, and I know it sounds dramatic. We all have our things with family, so I’m not saying my thing is worse or better or, eh, you know, anything about the degrees of it other than my body and my nervous system interprets what’s happening as a layer of trauma. So what I noticed on this trip was that my body was really working to keep me out of the crosshairs of further injury, and it was a lot to navigate. It was a thing and a moment where I think I had to honor The version of me who was healed and recognizing when something didn’t feel right so that I could make a different choice in the moment. And I could feel it when I would make a different choice, and my whole body would relax. And I would say, “Okay, well, that was the right choice.” My nervous system was speaking to me so, so clearly. And I think when we have lived in a certain way for so long, and then we heal, and then we go back to the place where we used to be that old version of ourselves, it can be really difficult to stay in the version of us that lives our everyday life. You know, I think that when I look at my life in Vermont and the time that I had spent there, and, and really I left, I mean, I left right after high school and went to college, but I would come back. For the first year, I think, of college I went back to my dad’s house. After that, I didn’t go back. I would stay with my sister at her apartment when my dorm would shut down, you know? But, you know, we have continued cr- you know, interactions with our family even if we don’t live with them. And so I feel like when I was there this particular time as a healed person for the first time in 15 years, I could see so clearly my old patterns, the patterns of the people around me, and really why so many things felt familiar inside my marriage. Like, why I chose the way that I chose. Because those same things were actually inside my family dynamic, but I had never really noticed it before. I never noticed it because it was normal. It was, like, reality. I’m using air quotes. Like, reality. Those things were there the, the whole time. And then when I could see it so clearly, I could make a really different choice. So I wanna share with you sort of something that I did knowing going into this and how I kinda handled it. So before I got to Vermont, maybe, like, four or five days before, my nervous system started really reacting to what was coming, and my aura ring was like, “Hey, are you okay? You’re experiencing a lot of stress. You’re not sleeping. You’re in a sleep deficit. What’s going on?” And so I decided that I needed to have a, a real plan, not only for myself and, like, where my personhood was, where my body was gonna be, but also how I wanted to be thinking about this. And so, you know, I’m gonna share this with you in case this helps you, uh, because you’ll have things like this, too, right? It might be when you go home to family, but it might be other things, too. And so what I did was I sat down, and I imagined how I wanted to feel at the end of the trip, not how I wanted them to feel And I know that can be really hard, ’cause so many times we frame things around how we want other people to experience us. But what I wanted to do is I wanted to figure out how I wanted to feel inside my body, but also how I wanted to think about myself and how I moved through that experience. You know, inside the Navigate method, we talk about moving through your divorce with bravery and integrity, and I think that’s really what I brought into this. I really wanted to be in integrity with who I am, like, h- how I treat people, but most importantly, how I treat myself. And I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be brave enough to choose myself, and that word brave that, it sounds so d- I feel like I sound so dramatic. But, it, it is, it is an act of bravery to say no to a family dynamic that has always said yes. It can be difficult to make a different choice and to say, “I know I’ve always just gone with the flow. I know I’ve always done it the way they wanted me to do it, but I’m not going to this time.” And I’ll tell you, it was difficult because There was an ask for me to do something many times, and then when I said no, the ask was asked again and again and again, and the pressure mounted. And I had to remind myself of how do I wanna feel when I leave? Like, when I’m on the flight on the way home, when I look back on this experience, how do I wanna look at how I acted? And I wanted to feel light. I didn’t wanna feel small. I wanted to feel like I had sort of embodied my, my fullness, who I am. You know, I asked myself did I wanna feel proud of how I showed up, or did I wanna carry resentment home with me? And when I would make a choice, I would say which, which way is this gonna land? Am I gonna feel proud of this, or am I gonna feel resentful? You know, I asked myself, like, how did I want to honor what I actually needed, or did I wanna make myself just fit into, you know, the space that they had for me? And I decided in the end, before I even left, I, I did this, like, days before, that I wanted to feel like myself. And so when they asked me not to stay at a hotel, when they wanted me to do what they wanted me to do, I didn’t have to fight with them. I didn’t have to fight with myself either. I just had to remember the feeling that I had decided on, and I knew that if I felt in alignment, if I felt good about myself, if I didn’t have resentment, my relationship with them would be better. And so I said no so many times. I drove myself somewhere. I went back to my hotel. I decided to take a walk. You know, I honored what I had committed to myself, which was really taking care of myself. It was really listening. And you know, in those moments, I really, I really have realized something, that, that choice, the choice wasn’t It wasn’t hard because I’m selfish. It wasn’t hard because I don’t love them. It was hard because for so long the version of me that said yes was the version that I thought I was supposed to be, you know, to be loved or how, whatever it is that we think. That that was the person I believed I had to be in order to belong in that family dynamic, in order to be okay But the truth is, that’s not who I am anymore, and so many of you are likely not who you were last time you went home, or last time you went into an experience, you know, a- an environment. Maybe it’s with your former spouse and you’re doing a family thing with your kids. You know, you’re stepping into something and you’re like, “I’m not the version of me that I was when I was in this last.” And so every time I chose myself, even in the small moments, and there were small moments where I had to say, “I don’t want that. I want this.” “Uh, would you like a Diet Coke?” “No, thank you.” “Have a Diet Coke. I bought you the Diet Coke.” “I don’t really want a Diet Coke.” “You said you liked Diet Coke, so I bought it.” “I, I, I’m choosing not to have a Diet Coke right now.” I mean, like, it, it was a choosing of myself over and over and over again, and I knew, even in those little moments, I am building the version of me that doesn’t have to question whether she belongs here or whether she should do what they want. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s these, like, small choices. They’re not separate from big choices. They’re the same exact thing. It’s the same muscle. And, you know, over the last 15 years of, of healing myself, I have been able to witness these patterns instead of being inside them. You know, before I, I used to feel like I w- would go there, and I would w- be, like, inside a washing machine. Like, I was just being, like, w- waterboard, waterboarded and, and tossed around, and I couldn’t see what was happening while I was in it. I just knew it felt awful. But now, this time, I could step back. I could witness myself. I could see it. And when you can see something really clearly, you get to choose something different and feel more steady in it. And so that’s what happened in Vermont. I could see the pattern. I could see the old impulse to say yes and to shrink myself, and I could still choose differently. So here’s what I want you to try. This is a little tool for you this week. Before you walk into a situation where you know that the tricky parts are gonna show up, take five minutes, close your eyes, and imagine yourself at the end of that time. Not at the beginning, at the end, when it’s all over, when you’re on the flight home, when you’re driving back to your house, when you’re settled in your own bed that night. How do you wanna feel? Not how do you want them to feel, not what do you think you’re supposed to do, not any of those things. But how do you actually want to feel in your body, in your bones? And then as you’re moving through it, you’re not fighting anyone. You’re not white-knuckling through it. You’re calibrating towards a feeling, and you’re making decisions that move you towards the version of yourself that you decide on beforehand, and it changes everything. It’s not about being card, card… Ca- cold, cold or hard. That is my new word, card, trademark. Or selfish. It’s not about putting up walls. It’s just about knowing who you wanna be and letting that be the thing that guides you instead of letting everyone else’s comfort guide you. And I’m gonna say it again, but when we can be truly ourselves, our relationship with those other people can be better. And instead of old patterns, instead of the version of you that you thought you had to be, you get to show up as you, and then you feel good about that, and you don’t have resentment or carry any, you know, harmful feelings afterwards. And I think when you make a choice with yourself in the small moments, you’re not just choosing yourself. You’re saying something to yourself. You’re saying, “I see you, I hear what you need, and I’m gonna take care of you.” And for me, I think that was so huge. Like, I’ve have felt like, you know, perhaps the people around me had failed me in some ways, but I won’t ever fail me. I won’t ever fail me again. And I think every time you can do that, you start to build a version of yourself that knows she can trust herself, she knows she can make decisions, she can count on herself, and I think that is how you live a big life. That is the work. That’s the healing. And that’s what it looks like, you know, when you’re stepping into a version of you that you really wanna be. All right. Thank you so much for being here with me this week. I love you guys so much, and if I can do anything for you, be sure to reach out. Message me on Instagram. If you have a podcast suggestion, please let me know. And if you haven’t ever given this podcast a review, if you could do that, go to iTunes, give us a review. It would mean so much to me. I noticed that recently we got some new reviews, and I forgot how much life that brought me. You know, it’s hard sometimes doing this work on this end of the microphone, not looking at anybody or seeing anybody, and wondering if this is landing, like wondering if this is helping. So if you wanna give me a review, I would be forever grateful. I really do check ’em now, and, and I’m looking. So, all right. Thanks so much for being here. I’ll see you all next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pay and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  425: How to let Your Anger Go 04.06.2026

  Don’t you just love a quote that sticks and you can replay it for yourself over and over? Well this episode of The Art of Living Big is chock full of them, but here is one that stands out… You’re not gonna forget and you don’t need anger to keep you safe. You already have the thing that keeps you safe, and it’s you. It’s the you who maybe you haven’t been listening to, even when you were talking right over her. So you already know. You’ve always known. Now the work is just how do I trust her? Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. I have a couple quick updates, and then I wanna get into what I’m gonna get into. But I’ve had several people that have reached out to me and asked me about my trip to Florida and, like, what the decision was. And I gotta tell you, I’m in a really weird space with it, and I’m just allowing myself to be here. If you’re new here, thank you for indulging me while I while I give you a personal update. But if you’ve been here for a little while, you’ll remember that I went down to Florida to check it out. We talked about that, I think, on my birthday episode. And, uh, you know, I’ve wanted to move to the beach my whole life, and I have always thought it was gonna be California. And then, , for a lot of logistical reasons, I thought it’s worth checking out Florida, and there were some things I really liked about it A- a- and my thought was, you know, as I’m recording this, it’s early June, like June 1st or 2nd, and my thought was … My lease isn’t up at my place until mid-February, so I could move beginning of February or January, whatever, or I could break my lease and move in August. And the reason I thought August was because I had some time. I have a retreat in July, and then there’s a lot of things going on in the fall, and so I thought, “I have some time.” Well, then I start … And so then I went down, and a- again, the beach is lovely. I don’t know. The trip was quite rushed, if you remember me talking about it, and, and lovely. Like I, I h- I had a good time, but I don’t know that any place made my body go, “This is it.” I think I felt most alive in the, , marina area of St. Pete, but there wasn’t anything that made me, like, really jump for joy. Now, does that mean there isn’t anywhere? No. It just means there isn’t anywhere that I necessarily went that made me feel super alive. So that’s information, and n- you know, I always say my body is an oracle and I do what my body says, even if I don’t have the words for it, even if it doesn’t make sense. And so I really just decided I don’t have to decide and move in August. Like, I was breaking my lease. I just don’t have to do that, so really I have until mid-February before I have to do anything. And honestly, it’s my life, and I can go month to month in my apartment if I want. Do you know what I mean? Like, there’s nothing te- like, this is the beauty and also the drama of it, is that there’s nothing making me do anything. And so I decided that I was just gonna ask the universe to make it apparent, to just show me how can this be easy, how can this be in flow, and just see what happens. , When I started thinking about moving in August, I immediately started thinking, “Okay. Well then, – in November I’m gonna have to come back for Thanksgiving, and in December I’m gonna have to come back for Christmas because my son is here. And, , for whatever reasons, it’s easier for me to travel than for him. And so then I had these ideas of, okay, so this is the, I guess, confusion of, or the next challenge I guess you could say, because as soon as I go down there I’m gonna hardly be settled and I’m gonna have to turn around and come back. And then where do I stay? What do I do with Dean Martin? Do I bring him? Do I… I wanna be with him on the holidays, do you know what I mean? I don’t wanna bring him to a kitty hotel. I have a kitty hotel here that I love. Do I bring hi- Like, it started feeling really heavy, and I was like, “Okay, there’s nothing making me do anything.” Also, I’m going to London, and I’m gonna be posting a coffee get-together when w- I’m in London. I’m gonna be posting that in the next couple weeks. You’ll see that on the website, and I’ll tell you here on the podcast and on Instagram. But I’m gonna be going to London, and so then I was… I thought I was gonna be moving so much. I was so certain that I bought a plane ticket to London from Tampa. I’d already bought the plane ticket. But then I’m like, “I’m not… I don’t think I’m going before that.” So I refunded my ticket and changed it, or changed it to just to Atlanta. And that’s fine. Whatever. Th- everything is figureoutable. But there’s nothing that’s saying to me like, “Oh, my God. This is it. This is it.” And if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a I don’t think, I don’t think it’s a yes at all. So does it mean I’m not going to St. Pete? No. It just means it’s not a hell yes yet, and there’s more to do. I’m gonna throw a, an insane twist into this. I said to my sister the other day, about a week ago, I said, ” sometimes I wanna live in Key West.” I really love Key West. “Sometimes I wanna live in Key West, and sometimes I wanna live in New York City.” And I think the combination of those two things is California, which again, I keep going back. And I’ve had several people… I was gonna go visit last week, and whatever, plans got changed around. But , I keep thinking if I go there to look, it’s gonna, that’s what it’s gonna be, and, it’s so complicated. It’s complicated to move that far away for a lot of reasons for me. Could I do it? Yeah, anything. I can do anything I want. And it feels heavy It, does it feel heavy? I wanna make sure I’m saying that right. I wanna make sure I’m being honest with myself. It feels exciting. It feels exciting, and it also feels expensive, and not expensive to live there. That’s not what I mean. . Moving there feels expensive. Do you know what I mean? Like, to actually move that far away, , there’s a million layers to that. I have done a lot of research. Even just moving your car. Do you know what I mean? Like, how long does it take? Gas price is so heavy, and then all of a sudden you gotta stay at a hotel room all the way acro- like, so then is it easier… It’s cheaper for me to buy a flight with my cat and have my car transported. So, I mean, I’ve done this work. But then also, with my business, you know? H- what does that look like? So all this to say, I could go down a million rabbit holes. All this to say, the update is that there’s no update. But the update is that I’m asking the universe to make it apparent. I’m asking the universe to show me the way, and I’m putting it aside. I’m not worrying about it at all. It is a fun adventure that will come my way. And when I think about how I want New York City or Key West, then I think maybe going to, to New York City is a worthwhile adventure to see how my body feels. And so I’m gonna do that. This weekend I’m going to Vermont for a long weekend, and then in the next few weeks or m- within the next month, I’m gonna go to New York City and see how I feel. And that will be the agenda, just to see what my body says. So that is the update that you didn’t really ask for. Thanks for letting me share. Okay. So I have gotten a lot of messages lately, and I keep, I keep thinking about them. Lots of times it’s really hard for me to, , reply in a message. Well, like somebody will ask me such a layered, complicated question, , and although I want to, like, swoop in and tell them all my thoughts, it would be way too much to type, and it’s not, an appropriate thing to do if I’m not their coach. D- do you know what I mean? And so there are some messages that I get that I think about a lot, and I wonder maybe that is something that could be a universal that helps more people, and we could talk about it on the podcast. So I wanna tell you about this kind of thing that people have been writing. And, I’m not gonna tell it to you word for word ’cause- It doesn’t matter, but I’m gonna give it kinda close, because there’s been probably four or five messages like this, but one this morning that I read and I said, “Okay, I’m gonna do, or I’m gonna do a podcast on this.” And the woman wrote and she said, basically, like, “I’ve been divorced a few times now.” Very chic, okay? I’m adding that part, the very chic. She’s been divorced a few times, and basically now she didn’t know how to tell if somebody is worth her time, like, how to trust her own read on it. And I feel like I’ve gotten a version of this kind of question more than once in the last little bit, and I think it stuck with me. This morning I read it while I was on my walk, and, uh, , and so here’s what I wanna talk about today. I know for sure That I will never make the same mistakes again in relationships that I have made in the past. I know it the way that you know your own phone number. And for a really long time, I thought I knew it because I was still angry. So let me explain what I mean. So, , I think that when we decide to leave a relationship that not only doesn’t serve us, but perhaps was damaging to us, it can be really hard to see or understand the depths of that damage when we’re in it. I believe our brain mutes a lot of it out, because to fully understand it and to see it plainly would overwhelm our nervous systems. And so when I left my relationship, I’m not gonna say which one, I’ll leave that vague- vague. But when I left my relationship, it was in the months that followed that I began to get so clear on how bad it actually was. And so I spent a lot of time rehashing or framing new decisions I was making or new situations that I was encountering around the old. So I would, you know, I’d lay there, and go back over a conversation, like what I should have said, or, “Oh my God, I can’t believe that happened. Why didn’t I do this thing?” Right? And I’d run that loop over and over again. Or if I made something in the kitchen and, uh, you know, there was always a joke that I couldn’t cook, which we’ll do a whole episode on that. Um, I ha- I, I started recording a vlog for YouTube, and I’m gonna do it on that, ’cause, ’cause I am changing so many things, and it’s been really fun. So, but if I would make something and it wouldn’t be that good, or I would burn something, I would loop back in my brain around all the times that I was…, that we joked that I was a terrible cook and, you know, that I should be in the kitchen more, and that’s my place, and that’s my office is the kitchen. Like, I would, I would go over these things, and so I would frame new experiences around old things. And so if you had asked me, “Why are you doing that?” I don’t think I could have told you, but it just felt like I couldn’t put it down. I would be in the, in the bathroom, and I would be in the shower, and I would think about how I never used to get h- hot showers ’cause the shower would run so long for the previous person. Like, a million things. It’s like I couldn’t have a original experience without framing it against what had happened. But what I see now was that I was, like, keeping the file open. I was keeping all of it right there in front of me so that I wouldn’t forget. Because if I forgot, if I let myself soften, if I got fuzzy in the way of memories, then I thought I might miss it next time. Because I was fuzzy when I was in it, right? So I might not see a sign coming. I might not catch a red flag. I might make the same mistakes again. And so my anger constantly being reframed around every freaking thing I did was doing a job. It was, it was acting like a bodyguard that I hired to stand there at my new front door and make sure that I never got fooled like that again. Now, I don’t think that the anger was wrong. I think it was an important part of my process. I do think it was protecting me, and it was the best tool that I had at the time. But here’s what changed. What I came to see was that I don’t actually need a bodyguard. Not because some fool couldn’t come walking through the door again The door always needs watching, but because something shifted in me where I recognized that I can watch the door myself, I can trust me, I can listen to myself, and I can, I can lean on me, I can rely on me. And when that went all the way down, when I really felt that, the anger, it,, it just didn’t even have a job anymore. You know, I did an episode called When a Relationship Deflates. I think that’s really around the time that I noticed, or when I wrote that episode, or when I had the thought for it. It was around the time that I noticed that I wasn’t framing anything around them anymore. It wasn’t my anger that was keeping me safe. Now it was my growth. It’s my growth that keeps me safe. It’s the version of me who can feel things in her own body, but not talk herself out of it. And I reinforced that with myself over and over and over again on purpose. I’m gonna talk about that. But every time that I listened to me and it worked out, I noticed it. I, said it out loud. I marked it. I, you know, I would do a little dance in the kitchen and go, “Look at that. I knew, I knew, I knew.” You know what I mean? So I wanna give you some actual examples because this is not a thing that happens like a- I don’t know, like I imagine like a big scene in a movie where I’m like, “Look at this thing,” and now suddenly I’m, I’m cured of this, like rehashing. I think it happens in a lot of little, teeny, tiny ways, and because I am such a journaler and because I have the podcast, I can kind of like look back and be like, “Oh, I remember that was a moment. When I did that podcast, that meant something,” right? That deflation was like when it finally went away and disappeared, you know, all along the way. And so if you wanna go back and listen, in episode, 386, it, it’s called… I think it’s called Do You Know Your Truth? And in that episode, I talk about going to The Bahamas, and I was down in The Bahamas, and I went by myself, and I was having a really nice time. I was down there, I, I don’t remember exactly. If you listen to the episode it’ll tell you, but I think it was a Thursday to a Monday. I had points. The whole trip cost me like 54 bucks. I went down by myself. I had a great time. I got a, like bought a seat at the pool, ’cause you could– there were some pools you could like buy a seat, and I’d ate french fries by the pool. Like, I ordered out- I ordered like o- e- every food they had on the me– like I just did anything that I wanted. And then on that Sunday morning or maybe even that Saturday afternoon, I thought, “I’m done. I’m ready to go home,” and I didn’t leave till Monday. And when something said in me that it’s time to go home, the old me would have argued with that. A- and I wanna say, if I was with people, I would have stayed, right? I, like I wasn’t there to… It wasn’t that important, except that I decided in that moment that nobody else was with me. There was no reason for me to stay other than it had been– it was paid for, even with points, like it still was paid for. And, you know, the old me would’ve been like, “It’s another day at the beach.” Like- Find something fun to do. Just stay. Uh, but I felt it, and my body is an oracle, and I was like, “I don’t wanna be here. Like, I’m just done. I’m not mad. I’m just I’m just done.” And so I trusted that. I packed up and I went home a day early. Okay? That is one time that was fairly big. So I think this starts to happen in really tiny ways and then in big ways, and I knew even when that was happening, this is an opportunity for me to, uh, create an experience for my brain. Like, I, I thought through it even in the moment. And then, y- you know, a couple weeks ago, I talked about in episode, um, 423, it was my birthday Q&A, and I talked about getting asked out on a date, but something in my whole body was like, “No.” I was in the shower that morning, and I was angry because they were asking me to, like, drive 40 minutes, and I just it’s… Which there’s nothing wrong with driving 40 minutes. There’s nothing wrong with meeting for lunch. There’s nothing wrong with any of it, but for me, my body was like, “No, no.” Like this, I don’t want this. This isn’t… I, I don’t know if there was, like, something familiar in it where my body was like, “Oh, we’re not gonna do this again, this thing of meeting for lunch and…” I, I don’t know. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t have to know. I just knew my body was like, “Ugh.” And so instead of overriding it the way that I used to, the way that I had been trained to my whole life, and I could come up with a million reasons. It’s fair. We’ll just go to lunch. It’s not that far. It’s only 20 minutes more than I wanted to drive each way. It’s the middle of the day, but it’s fine. I work for myself. It’s o- I, I can make my own schedule. It’s fine if I’m not getting done all the things I wanted to get done. It’s fine if I had no intention of meeting somebody for lunch but wanted to go out for cocktails. Like, it’s fine if I’m not gonna be able to dress up ’cause it’s lunch, when I wanted a different experience. And so instead, I just listened to that, and I trusted the no, and I was like, “No. I, I don’t wanna go.” And good for him because he dodged a bullet with me ’cause I wouldn’t have been I would, I wouldn’t have been in the place where he wanted to be if that’s what he wanted to do. You know what I mean? Good for him. And there are friendships over the past year where I have put up big boundaries where I never would have had the spine for before, like big, big ones. Uh, one time, I, I… Just the tone in somebody’s voice made me go, “Okay, that made something happen in my body. I did not like how they talked to me, and I won’t do that again with somebody else.” They’re not a bad person, and I don’t wish any harm on them. But for me, in where I was in my process, it was really important for me not to override myself in big or small ways. And here’s what I want you to know about, about doing that. I think that when you do it enough times, those big and small things, your body and your brain really start to experience the whole world different. You know? You, you, you start to believe in yourself, right? And once you believe in yourself, you don’t need the anger anymore. You don’t need to keep the file open. You don’t need to reframe every single thing that happens in your life. You don’t need to go out with friends and go, “Oh, I remember when this used to happen.” You don’t. You can just let it close. So- If you are, like, sitting in it right now, like you’re really trying to figure out whether you wanna stay or you wanna go, because I think, and I’m open to being wrong, but I think probably a lot of you are carrying anger or there’s, there’s anger h- I wanna say like festering. It’s almost like we can’t let ourselves feel the anger yet, ’cause if we felt all the anger we actually feel, we would explode into the vortex. And so we c- we temper it, you know what I mean? Like, we push it down. We end up getting a lot of resentment. I think that’s easier to, like, I wanna say swallow, but it’s easier to, like, understand or feel. And so if you’ve been carrying that for years, like somewhere in there you started to think that the answer is the anger. Like, if I can just stay angry enough, ’cause there’s moments where you’re not angry, and then you’re like, “Oh, well maybe I don’t know what to do,” so you think the anger is telling you what to do. The anger is gonna keep me from going numb for, for talking myself back into it again. Like, if I can keep the anger then I’ll know for sure, even though I’m not making any decisions to leave or to stay. Like, I’m not making a decision to stay. Even if you’re there, you may not really be there, you know what I mean? And so I’m not telling you to stay and I’m not telling you to go, ’cause that is not my job. That’s not why you’re here. But I wanna offer you this. Your anger isn’t your clarity. Your anger is your bodyguard. It’s like the thing that you hired because somewhere along the way you stopped trusting yourself to catch it on your own. So the work, the real work, isn’t deciding while you’re furious. Ugh, I know. It would maybe be easier. But your real work is, is building your trust back so that you can put the anger down and make the call, you know, from a steadier place, from a part of you that already knows how she wants this to go And so, you know, women that are writing me that are divorced already one time, two times, three times, telling me that they don’t know anymore how to tell if they’re gonna date somebody new, if it’s worth their time or, or people messaging me asking if they should stay or go, that they’re so resentful and angry they don’t even know what to do. What I wanna say is, you know, you don’t have to wait until you’re out to start building the scaffolding around you. You know, you build it now in the marriage, in the question. Like, in those regular moments where your body says something and you get to decide whether you listen, right? You get to decide which thing you listen to because that muscle that you build while you’re trying to decide, it’s the same muscle you use later to rebuild your life. If you decide to stay, it’s the same muscle you use to be able to keep your relationship in a good place. It’s the muscle that lets me say today to myself, “I trust myself completely to make good relationship decisions for the rest of my life.” Friendships, people that work with me, y- you know, uh, r- relationships, romantic relationships, every relationship in my life, I choose well, and if I choose and it stops working for me, I will trust myself to walk out, totally. And until the choice is obvious, I am completely content to be picky, whether it’s where I live or who I date or any of that, because I know what I’m worthy of. So if you’re sitting there wondering, running, running the file, as I say, going over that same thing one more time so you won’t forget, I want you to know you can loosen your grip on it. You’re not gonna forget and you don’t need anger to keep you safe. You already have the thing that keeps you safe, and it’s you. It’s the you who maybe you haven’t been listening to, even when you were talking right over her. So you already know. You’ve already… You’ve always known. Now the work is just how do I trust her? And I think when you have that down, that is how you live a really big life. All right, y’all. If you wanna dive in, we’ve got some calls on our calendar open this week. I think we have a couple left. Um, you can go to my website. Just hit book cook- Just let me s- let me say that again. L- just hit book a call. Book a call. It’s a free call, but it is intentional for people who are looking to get help with this, and that’s for my program, The Navigate Method. And, you know, this is how you start to walk the path and figure it out. You don’t have to stay, and you don’t have to go. You get to decide in this 10-week experience. So, all right. I love you guys so much. I will see you next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  424: The Magic you may be Missing 28.05.2026

  In this episode Betsy recounts her trip to Florida and the signs that she experienced while traveling. She explains the ‘put it down’ practice and how it can best serve us in our lives as well as how our brains notice things based on our focuses. This one is a good one if you need a reminder to take stock and choose you. Transcript:  Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show today. I recorded this yesterday, and it was amazing. You missed a really good show. My microphone wasn’t on, and I, if you are new here, I do these podcasts. I come up with an idea, and then I just talk. So the kinda cool thing is this will be a totally different show than yesterday, although the same topic. I s- I’m sticking to the same theme ’cause I do have a story that I wanna tell you, and it may be a story that you heard if you’re on my mail list. But I wanna dive in a little bit deeper, and I wanna give you some tools, as we go through this. I wanna talk a little bit about my, my trip to Florida and something very cool that happened, and I, I’m gonna call it magic. I believe that there’s magic that happens all around us, and I believe you have magic that happens all around you, too. So I’m gonna tell you how to find it and how to use it So I’m gonna tell you how to find it and how to use it so that you can actually make your life easier and, you know, maybe a little bit more fun too. So if you’ve been here for a while, you may know that my whole dang life I’ve wanted to move to the beach, and just a few months ago I got the idea that actually there was nothing stopping me and I could do that. And so this, th- I guess it was last weekend, two weekends ago. Memorial Day was this past weekend. The weekend before, I decided I was gonna go down to Florida and I was gonna look around. You know, if you listen to the episode about how I make big decisions, I really was leaning into California, and in fact, had a trip planned for California for this week that ended up getting rerouted. But I had decided that I was also gonna check out Florida for a lot of different reasons. You know, I grew up on the East Coast. Um, my dad is on the East Coast. He, he … And I’m h- I, I was about to say he’s elderly. I guess he is. He’s 85. I guess, I guess that is elderly. It just feels weird to call him that, but he is. He’s not sick or anything. He’s b- he’s a busy dude. But you know, it just feels good to be here. My son lives here in Atlanta, and so I, I would love to be a, a drive away or a 90-minute flight instead of, like, a whole day of travel, you know? So there’s a lot of things, besides the taxes and all of those things. I don’t have a runway like a 30-year-old. I have a runway like a 55-year-old that’s been divorced a couple times, you know what I mean? So we gotta be using our brains here. So I was like, “I’m gonna just go down to Florida and I’m gonna look around.” Tampa checks a lot of boxes because there’s the big airport, it’s a city, it’s by the beach, and, like, that St. Petersburg area. I’m like, “Okay. Well, this could be a place where I could see myself.” And so I thought, “I’m gonna go down there. I’m gonna rent a car and just drive all over.” And as it ended up, somebody reached out from Instagram, and she lives there, and she was like, “I’ll show you around.” And I had, like, the best w- I had the best weekend with her. So it was like I made a really good friend while I was down there. But here’s what happened. I decided I was gonna go down Thursday night. So I was gonna be here for my coaching that I do. We have the Navigate group on Thursdays, and I n- I never miss it. Like, it is a strange, strange moment if I miss it. Um, maybe once a year I will miss. Like, I, I mean, I, this is, like, my favorite thing ever, so I never wanna not be there. So I, although I have coaches that are amazing, and they would be amazing, but I’m just like, “I wanna, I, I wanna be there.” So I’m like, “I’ll do the coaching, and then- pack up my stuff, and head to the airport. I’ll take a flight that night. I’ll land in Tampa. I’ll just get a hotel right near the airport. That’ll be easy-peasy, and then in the morning when it’s light out, I’ll begin my adventure, you know? The next day, Friday morning, was my birthday. It was my 55th birthday. And here’s the thing. I thought to myself, “You know, I wanna be by the ocean on my birthday. That sounds really fun. And, you know, why not have a little adventure?” So that Thursday morning when I was prepping for the Navigate group, I thought, “I need to go bring my cat to the kitty hotel,” right? Like, get Dean Martin situated. Then I can do my thing and head out. And when I was walking around the house, I was, you know, picking up stuff and playing with the cat and doing whatever I needed to do, and I was talking to my mother. Now, if you’re new here, my mother transitioned back when I was in high school, when I was 16. She died when I was … Transition is such a… She croaked. When I was 16 she died in a car accident, and so I’ve never… You know, I haven’t gotten a birthday present from her since I was 16. And I said out loud, “You know, I talk to you a lot, and I trust that you’re here.” But I don’t know. You know, I was kinda like in one of those, like, prove it kind of moods. So I was like, “I don’t know. I don’t know if you’re really here, but if you are, I would like a birthday present. Haven’t had a birthday present from you in a long time, and I would love a birthday present, and I would love if it was something really obvious.” Do you guys do that, too, where you’re like, “Make it a sign,” and then the sign comes, and then you’re like, “Make it a signier sign. I need it to be super signed.” So I was like, “I want a birthday present. I want it to be really obvious.” And I said out loud, “I want it to be really obvious, not like an Amazon gift card or something,” which is kind of a weird thing to say, ’cause I would happily accept an Amazon gift card. But I, you know, said it out loud, and I actually felt it when I said that. Like, it felt funny when I said it, and then I continued. I was busy, busy. I was a busy girl all day. And anyway, I get to the airport. I get settled into the Sky Club because I have a Delta corporate card. I’m about to tell you all of the things that I require to travel, but I’m also too cheap to pay for them, so I have like a million workarounds. So first of all, I got my flight for free using points. I buy a coach seat, but I am Platinum, so I always get upgraded. Why am I Platinum? It’s not because I travel all the time, but it’s because I use my Delta corporate card for everything, for all my business stuff, right? So we end up putting a lot through that, and it gets me to Platinum status, okay? The cool thing about Platinum is you get to choose, like, your present, you know what I mean? Like, you get to choose the thing that you get. And so I have chosen, and I think you have to choose for the year, and I have chosen that I would get upgraded. So I always buy a coach seat, and typically I’ll get upgraded at least to Comfort Plus. I’m a short woman, so it’s not like I need a ton of leg room, but I like … I, I, I feel like my thing is I like- space. Like I don’t like to be herded places, and I don’t wanna feel crowded or rushed. Like that really stresses me out. So I get to the airport, I go to the Sky Club, which I have access to because I have the corporate card, not ’cause I, I’m too cheap to pay for that. But I have a corporate card, and go to the Sky Club, I hang out. It’s time to board the plane, and I look and I’m still not upgraded. And I’m like, “This is really weird.” I mean, it’s a short flight, so like I can hang in coach, but I’m in the middle. And I’m always on the end. Like I, I, I know it’s only 90 minutes, but I always have to pee. Like I’m like, I g- I need to be on the end. I don’t wanna be like in the middle. Ugh. But I’m in the back of the plane. I’m like in seat 29 in the middle seat. But it’s 90 minutes. I’m like, “It’s fine.” I get on the plane. There I am, like, you know, with my shoulders in, I’m as small as I can be so that the people on either side are taking up so much room. And I’m thinking to myself like, “You know what? I hate this.” Like I just do. And it’s okay. I’ll survive, right? Like it’s, if this is the worst of my issues this weekend. But I hate it. And so then the s- airline, um, not the pilot, the flight attendant says, “You know, we’ve oversold this flight.” It was already like delayed. You know? It was like 10 minutes delayed or something. Like it was a busy and it was late, you know. And I could tell they’re tired, and they’re like, “We’ve oversold this flight, and we need somebody to get off the plane and get on a flight two hours later if somebody’s interested in doing that.” Can you ring your bell? You know? So I ring my bell. ‘Cause immediately I’m like, “I don’t even wanna be on this flight. Like, I, I would pay you to go to the next flight.” And they’re giving a $600 voucher, so I’m like, I mean, I travel enough, I have enough things planned, so I’m like, “Yeah, heck yeah, I’ll do that.” Ring my little bell, the flight attendant comes over. She says to me, like, “Do you have luggage?” I’m like, “It’s on the plane.” She’s like, “It’ll be there waiting for you.” I’m like, “That’s great. I trust, I trust.” So I get off the plane, and the people at the f- at the gate, like the f- attendants at the gate are like, “Oh, did you… Thank you for, you know, shifting and going to the later flight.” I mean, it boards in, like, an hour, so I’m like, I’ll just go back to the Sky Club, get a drink, and by the time it’s, I’m done my drink, it’ll be time to board. And nobody’s waiting for me. I’m just… I just got a hotel at the, at the airport. Do you know what I mean? So I’m like, this is no… Like, how nice for somebody else that they could get off the plane, and I am gonna get a $600 voucher. So she says, “Thank you.” I’m like, “Yep, no problem.” And then she’s like, “It won’t print.” And she keeps trying to print, print the voucher, print the voucher, and then she says to the woman next to her, “Do you know why this isn’t printing?” And she’s like, “Well, press this, you know, press that. Try it again. Can you refresh? Maybe if we…” Like, they’re, they’re, they’re going through it, you know? And like I said, it’s late. I can tell these people have had a day. Like, she’s just like, “I can’t get this to print.” So she calls, and she says, like, “It’s printing, but it’s not printing the voucher.” And she’s like, “Will you email it?” So then she looks at me, and she’s like, “Can you check your email?” I’m checking my email. I’m checking my junk. There’s nothing. She’s like, “Try to email it again. It’s not coming through.” She doesn’t have anything. They try it again. And finally she shoves a piece of paper in my hand, and was like, “Here, take this.” So I took the paper and went on my way. I got myself a drink, I sat down, and I looked down, and what did I have but a voucher for a $600 Amazon gift card. Now- Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. What is actually happening? What’s actually happening? Now, you could hear this story and be like, “Well, that was a coincidence.” Like random, like really good timing, funny timing. Or I could tell you that there’s magic, magic all around us, and it is just what we choose to believe. Everything is what we choose to believe. And both of those things are true. It could be a coincidence, could be random. It is funny timing, and it does feel magical, and that is what I would like to believe. But here’s what else is true, is that there is part of our brain that you’ve heard of called the reticular activating system, the RAS, and its job is to filter, okay? So your brain is taking in like several million pieces of information every second. And when I say your brain, I mean, like, your nervous system. So, like, you’re seeing things and hearing things and feeling things and smelling things. Like, all this stuff is coming in all at once. And you can only consciously pr- like, process 126 of those pieces of information, so that means there’s a lot of information that’s just getting lost. It stays in the back of your mind. It stays in your brain. You just aren’t consciously aware of it. So there’s like a little mailman in there that is filtering stuff. It’s taking in all the mail and looking at it and throwing you the pieces that it thinks are important. It decides what gets through to your conscious awareness and what gets tossed out as, like, background noise. So the RAS filters for what you’re focused on. I remember when I bought my car. I have a little white SUV. It’s not rare. But I bought that car and I thought, “I’ve never seen this car before. Like, this is so unique and special,” I thought. I bought it, and now sometimes I go to the grocery store and I’ll come out and there’s like four of them in a row. Like, they’re everywhere. Everybody has them. I just wasn’t looking for them before. My RAS wasn’t set to notice those. So when I asked my mom for a sign, and I said, “Make it obvious,” and when I joked about an Amazon gift card, I set my RAS to look for it. And so when it showed up, I felt something. I noticed. Someone else might have glanced at the voucher and thought, “Oh, .” Y- you know, whatever. . But I was looking for magic, and so I saw it. I felt it as proof So here’s what I’ve been thinking about since that trip. When we are sitting in the middle of hard things, you know, a hard decision. I, I was going down there to look for a place that I was gonna move to live, and I’ll give you the update on that. It’s… There’s… I, I still have questions. But when we’re in the middle of this big, hard decision, it can feel really crushing to carry it all by ourselves. You know, I was feeling that, the weight of it, the fear that I’m gonna choose wrong or miss something, the exhaustion of trying to figure out every single piece of this all on our own. And, you know, I talk a lot when I talk online, and I talk about the Navigate method, and I talk about how important it is for women to make decisions for themselves, and I believe that. I believe nobody else should make the decision for you, ’cause this is how we learn to trust ourselves. But what if we didn’t have to totally do it all on our own? What if we could hand something over, like, like, like, one little thing, and let ourselves be guided? You know, let ourselves be cared for. I, uh, this weekend or that weekend, it was last weekend it was such a lesson in allowing myself to be cared for. You know, did, did my mother give me the $600 Amazon gift card? I think so, but I think she also gave me the friend that took care of me, that took care of everything. If you follow along on Instagram, you know I got food poisoning. She took care of me. She mothered me. And I needed that so bad. And so what if we could let ourselves be guided, let ourselves be cared for, let the universe meet us part way? I’m not saying let somebody else make the decision for you, but I’m saying the decision can be easier when you’re not white-knuckling your way through it all by yourself. So here’s where I think the brain part of this gets really interesting. You know, when we grip, you know, when we’re in control mode, when we’re trying to force an outcome or manage every single variable, our nervous system is really in protection mode. And then what does my RAS do, is it starts filtering for threats, right? It starts looking for like, “Oh my God, she thinks something’s gonna go wrong. What could go wrong? What do I need to control? What am I missing? What am I not seeing? Show her the fear. Show her the unsteadiness.” Right? And when your brain is doing that, you literally can’t see the help that’s available. You can’t notice the signs. You can’t receive any new ideas or, you know, the other options and, you know, doors that you wanna be open seem closed, because your brain isn’t scanning for that stuff. Your brain is scanning for danger. It’s scanning for what could go wrong. It’s scanning for all the times you’re walking on eggshells or afraid you’re gonna make a wrong decision. But when you physically let go, when you open your hands, when you open your hands and you ask for help out loud, something shifts. I do think there’s something magical about speaking it out loud. I think when I was talking to my mom and I was doing it out loud, I could… There was something. Have you ever had that feeling where you’re like, “I feel something moving in me,” you know? And our nervous system reads that as safety, right? It stops filtering for threat- And it starts filtering for possibility when I’m speaking out loud, when I’m calm, when my hands are open. You start noticing things you couldn’t notice before, not ’cause they weren’t there, but just ’cause your brain wasn’t looking for them. Okay, so there’s another piece to this. Your brain is also a, a pattern-matching machine. Like, it’s constantly scanning for patterns. It’s constantly trying to prot- te- uh, I wanna say protect, but no, predict. I w- it’s constantly trying to predict what’s going to happen based on what’s happened before. And when you’re stuck in hard decisions, when you’re stuck in looping on the same thoughts over and over again, you’re reinforcing those same neural pathways. You’re telling your brain basically, “This is the pattern. This is what we do here.” And your brain just keeps running that pattern over and over and over again. This is how come, like, y- y- you know, your partner may stomp around the house, and you go, “Oh, my God. I know what’s gonna happen ’cause I know what happened before,” right? I, I can feel it. I know something’s gonna go sideways. And so you start walking on eggshells. You start being… You’re hypervigilant. You’re listening for w- whatever sound, rustle in the grass you need to be aware of so that you can protect yourself, right? But when you let go, when you put something down, you know, it, your brain can, can shift to something new. It’s not like you’re doing something wrong by listening to those patterns, it’s just that your brain is doing what it’s designed to do, and it’s conserving energy, right? So it’s running a program that it already knows. But when you put it down, then you create space, and in that space, you can form all new patterns. You know, new thoughts can come to you, new ideas can come through, new possibilities can show up that weren’t available when you were gripping really hard. And this is why people say things like, um, like, “I stopped trying so hard, and then it just happened. Like, I don’t know, it just happened. As soon as I let go of needing it to work out, like, it just became obvious.” And it’s not magic. Well, it’s a little magic, but it’s neuroscience. You created space, and your brain had room to find a new pattern. Okay, so here’s how we’re gonna put this into practice. I’m gonna give you something you can try this week. I call it the put it down, put it down practice, and it is designed to shift you from really gripping to having your hands open and receiving. So it’s, it moves you from that, like, control mode to open mole- mode, and then y- you, you kinda stop… You stop scanning for threat, and then you start essentially scanning for what’s available. So here’s how it works. Step one is you’re gonna name what you’re holding. So say it out loud if you can, like the decision, the outcome, the how. So I’m holding the question of whether to stay or go. I’m holding the fear that I’m gonna choose wrong. I’m holding the need to figure out how this is all gonna work before I take my first step. So just name it, whatever it is. I’m holding the overwhelm of trying to find where to live. So step two is you physically put your hands out. There is a, a, a loop between your body and your brain, and I’m gonna use my body to send alerts to my brain. I know it sounds kinda simple, but your, your body and your brain are connected. So when you open your hands, you’re signaling to your nervous system that you’re receiving. You’re not grasping, you’re available, right? Not defending anything. It’s, it’s how your nervous system reads safety, okay? So you’re gonna physically put your hands out, palms up. And then step three is you’re gonna ask out loud, “What’s the one thing I can hand over right now?” Not, “What should I do?” Or not, like, “How do I fix this?” But, “What is one thing I can hand over?” And you’re gonna ask it to the universe, or to God, or, uh, to your dead mom. Like whatever it is, whatever it is that works for you. And ask it to the part of you that already knows. It doesn’t matter who you’re asking, really. It just matters that you’re asking. And then step four is that you’re just gonna wait. Don’t answer it yourself. Don’t, like, fill that silence with your own voice. Just wait and let the answer come to you. This is such a skill to learn to just, like, wait until you feel something. So then the fifth step, I guess we’d be on step five, right? Notice what shows up in the next 24 hours, 48 hours. It might be a thought you didn’t have before, a conversation that feels different than it would have a couple days ago. You know, maybe an opportunity that opens up, you weren’t even looking for one. Maybe it’s a $600 Amazon gift card when you specifically said not that. The point is, you’re not looking for something, like, specific. You’re not looking for a specific answer. You’re looking for movement. You’re looking for the thing that you couldn’t see when you were holding on so tight, you know? I did ask my dad, I said, “What are you sending me?” ‘Cause my mom gave me a $600 gift card. “What are you gonna get me?” It was probably a joint gift, I think. So this is what happens when you’re sitting in the middle of a, a big decision. You know, trying to move to the beach, trying to make a decision about your marriage, and you’re trying to logic your way through it all alone. You keep pushing. You keep thinking. You keep trying to see around corners and, you know, predict outcomes, manage things that you can’t actually control, and then your brain keeps running the same loop, right? It keeps asking the same questions and having the same fears and patterns. So what if, what if you didn’t have to carry all that by yourself? What if you could just hand one thing over and let yourself be supported, let yourself be guided, let yourself receive help instead of white-knuckling your way through it alone? I, I don’t think the decision gets made for us, but the decision gets clearer, I think, when you stop gripping so hard. So pick something this week. Maybe it’s something easy, something that doesn’t have a lot of emotional charge to it, and do the put it down practice. Do- just try it once. See what happens. Name the thing you’re holding, open your hands, ask the question out loud, wait, and then pay attention. Because magic is all around us. It’s, it’s just what we choose to believe, and if your brain is designed to find what you’re looking for, ask it to look for help. Ask it to look for signs. Look for the thing that you couldn’t see when you were in protection mode. And I think when you can do that, that is how you live a big life. If you want help on this journey, we’ve got some spots available on the calendar this week. Um, if you are interested in the Navigate Method, or if you’re not quite there yet, you’re like, “I don’t, I don’t wanna go all in on all that,” I have a process on my website called The Bridge, and it is a truth map that will guide you to the next right thing. And then maybe at that point you’ll be ready to do some of the deeper work inside the Navigate Method. But we are here when you’re ready. Be open to it and allow us to help pick up what you’re carrying. I love you guys so much. I’ll see you next week Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pay and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.
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  415: Life Update with Thoughts for 2033 19.03.2026

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