Pure Desire Podcast

469 - How Spiritual Disciplines Can Porn-Proof Your Life 30.06.2026 1h 5min

In today’s episode, we welcome Alan Hlavka for his first appearance and invite him to share a bit of his story and heart for recovery. Together, we explore how spiritual disciplines can serve as a powerful safeguard against pornography use and compulsive sexual behaviors—and why they’re about far more than willpower or religious routine. Alan shares real-life examples of transformation rooted in spiritual practices and offers encouragement for those who struggle with consistency, structure, or discipline. We discuss practical, accessible first steps for beginners, the role of shared disciplines in strengthening marriages, and how to adjust when a practice doesn’t seem to be “working.” Listeners will learn how to cultivate disciplines that are life-giving, sustainable, and deeply supportive of long-term healing and recovery.

468 - Recognizing The Lies We Believe w/ Sam Jolman 23.06.2026 1h

In today’s episode, we explore how our sexual behaviors are shaped long before any crisis moment—and why engaging our personal story of sexual formation is essential for lasting freedom. Our guest, Sam Jolman, challenges the belief that desire is dangerous, revealing how shame, purity culture, and distorted messages about the body often fuel the very behaviors we’re trying to escape. We unpack the difference between natural attraction and consuming lust, and how learning to receive arousal with kindness and curiosity can build a more resilient, “porn-proof” internal life. Rather than self-contempt or behavior management, this conversation invites listeners into radical kindness, identity-based healing, and a vision of sexuality marked by innocence, wonder, and worship. Whether single or married, this episode offers a hopeful path toward wholeness beyond avoidance.

467 - What is Godly Sexuality? W/ Joshua Broome 16.06.2026 1h 8min

In this episode, we dive into the connection between faith, identity, and sexuality, exploring why separating sex from our life in Christ can lead to confusion, brokenness, and misplaced identity. With guest, Joshua Broome, we discuss how today’s western culture often defines worth through sexual appeal, activity, and acceptance, while God offers a radically different vision rooted in dignity, covenant, and purpose. You’ll hear why sexual objectification distorts how we see both ourselves and others, and how healing begins when our identity is firmly anchored in Christ instead of cultural approval. We also talk about the fear of “missing out” by following God’s design for sex, and why His boundaries actually lead to freedom, joy, and wholeness. We unpack practical ways young men and women can build a porn-proof life, develop resilience against temptation, and pursue lasting sexual integrity in a world full of competing messages.

466 - Building Emotional Stability & Resilience 09.06.2026 59min

In this episode of the Pure Desire Podcast, we dive into the essential topic of emotional stability and its role in recovery, relationships, and personal growth. We explore how to assess whether we are managing our emotions or being managed by them, and why there are no inherently “good” or “bad” emotions. Emotions are powerful indicators of deeper realities and can reveal patterns that lead to relapse if left unchecked. Our guest, Heather Kolb, shares practical strategies for slowing down, analyzing emotional triggers, and reshaping patterns connected to fear, anger, loneliness, or rejection. We also discuss habits to cultivate emotional resilience, ways to support loved ones without taking responsibility for their feelings, and recommended resources for deepening emotional health. This episode equips listeners to engage their emotions with awareness, understanding, and stability.

465 - Developing Pain Tolerance w/ Matthew & Joanna Raabsmith 02.06.2026 1h 3min

In today’s episode, we explore what it truly means to pursue a “porn-proof life” from a Christian perspective—beyond willpower, rules, or fear-based accountability. We discuss why many Christians turn to pornography or other compulsive behaviors in moments of pain, stress, or loneliness, and how these coping mechanisms distort God’s design for comfort, connection, and desire. Our guests, Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith, offer practical guidance for recognizing the root trauma or past pain driving these behaviors, as well as ways betrayed partners can understand how old wounds may be triggered. We explore healthy approaches to processing life’s inevitable pain, building resilience as individuals and couples, and strengthening intimacy through the Intimacy Pyramid—starting with honesty and safety—to navigate challenges and grow closer together in trust, healing, and authentic connection.

464 - Building Trust For The Long Haul 26.05.2026 55min

In today’s episode, we dive into one of the most tender and complex challenges couples face after betrayal: rebuilding trust that lasts. Even when sobriety is sustained and growth is evident, many spouses still feel the hidden fear that the “other shoe” will eventually drop. Our guests, Tyler and Shari Chinchen, help us unpack why trust can remain fragile, what behaviors—often unintentional—can quietly undo months of healing, and how couples can avoid these subtle pitfalls. We’ll explore the markers of thriving couples who have restored trust over time and what practices consistently set them up for long-term stability. We also address two difficult but common experiences: when the recovering spouse feels they’ve rebuilt more than their partner recognizes, and when betrayal happens again after meaningful progress. Lastly, we discuss why trust must be rebuilt in every area of marriage, the role of group support, and what to do when trust gets stuck despite years of effort.

463 - Rebuilding the Physical Relationship After Betrayal 19.05.2026 1h 1min

On today’s episode, Nate and Maggie Blaylock share their expertise in helping couples navigate recovery, with a special focus on rebuilding physical intimacy after betrayal. They discuss common mistakes couples make in this area and provide examples of what can go wrong, as well as the traits of couples who successfully restore trust and connection in their sexual relationship. The conversation explores how spouses can create a safe, supportive environment for renewed intimacy, communicate boundaries or discomfort effectively, and have constructive conversations about sex without shame or pressure. Nate and Maggie also address shifting expectations, acknowledging that physical intimacy may look different than before discovery, and offer guidance for couples who feel stuck even years into recovery. Listeners will gain practical tools and encouragement for fostering openness, safety, and connection, with insights for cultivating a physical relationship that is not only healthy but potentially even richer than before betrayal.

462 - Developing Empathy For My Spouse w/ Carol Jurgensen Sheets 12.05.2026 50min

Carol Jurgensen Sheets joins us again to explore the vital role of empathy in healing relationships affected by addiction or compulsive sexual behavior. She begins by defining empathy and explaining why it’s essential for rebuilding trust and connection after discovery. Carol also discusses why many addicts struggle with empathy, often due to past modeling or coping patterns, and offers practical guidance for learning this skill even when it feels unfamiliar. We cover strategies for communicating needs as a spouse or family member, navigating situations where the recovering partner may struggle to respond empathetically, and maintaining empathy beyond recovery to enrich all relationships. Carol shares concrete steps listeners can take this week or month to practice and strengthen empathy, emphasizing that it’s a skill that can grow with intention, reflection, and accountability. The episode closes with encouragement for making empathy a consistent, transformative part of life and recovery.

461 - Walking Through Truth, Honesty, and Disclosure In Your Marriage w/ Dr. Janice Caudill 05.05.2026 1h 8min

Dr. Janice Caudill joins us for her first podcast conversation to explore one of the most challenging aspects of recovery: disclosure. She begins by sharing her own background and approach, then walks listeners through what an ideal disclosure process looks like in healthy recovery. Recognizing that most couples face partial, staggered, or even forced disclosures, Dr. Janice offers guidance for navigating fear, trauma, and missteps when the initial process doesn’t go perfectly. She discusses the importance of truthful communication during the gap between discovery and full disclosure, and how to balance a spouse’s desire for details with the need to avoid retraumatization. Listeners will learn how to maintain honesty in long-term recovery, extend transparency beyond addiction-related issues, and cultivate relational trust. Dr. Janice also addresses situations where disclosure isn’t fully possible and offers practical advice for moving toward healing, openness, and integrity even in imperfect circumstances.

460 - Navigating Triggers and Traumas After Year One w/ Jason and Shelley Martinkus 28.04.2026 1h 3min

In today’s episode, Jason and Shelley Martinkus join us for their first podcast conversation to share their insights on navigating the ongoing challenges of healing in relationships impacted by addiction. They discuss how betrayed spouses can communicate triggers effectively, and how recovering addicts can receive this feedback without defensiveness. The conversation addresses common frustrations, such as differing paces of healing, lingering trauma, and the temptation to pressure a spouse to “get over it,” offering practical strategies for patience, perspective, and mutual support. Jason and Shelley also explore how couples can handle unexpected triggers—from new life events to routine situations—and provide tools for repairing trauma together, even in later stages of recovery. Listeners will learn ways to encourage one-sided healing, nurture empathy, and maintain connection while respecting individual boundaries. You’ll gain actionable guidance for cultivating resilience, understanding, and relational growth throughout the long journey of recovery.

459 - Redeeming the Post-Affair Divorce w/ Linda Macdonald 21.04.2026 1h 3min

In this powerful episode of the Pure Desire Podcast, Linda MacDonald joins us to explore the unique trauma of post-affair divorce—what she describes as a “spiritual car crash.” We discuss why the grief of being betrayed and then left carries a distinct and devastating complexity, including the deep shame, self-blame, and identity loss many survivors experience. Linda offers insight for betrayed spouses wrestling with worth, rewritten marital histories, and faith shaken to the core. We also address hard questions around forgiveness when reconciliation isn’t possible and what redemption can look like for those who caused the betrayal and now face its consequences. For listeners in the raw aftermath of divorce, Linda shares practical hope for reclaiming identity, rebuilding a fierce, honest faith, and taking the first steps toward healing and wholeness.

458 - The Love Language That Matters Most w/ Dr. Gary Chapman 14.04.2026 56min

Dr. Gary Chapman joins us for a rich conversation about loving well through The 5 Love Languages®. We begin with a helpful refresher on the five languages and explore how personality shapes the way we give and receive love. Chapman also explains the idea of the “love tank”—what fills it, what drains it, and how couples can keep it healthy through consistency, practice, and intentional effort rather than striving for perfection. For listeners navigating recovery from pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, or betrayal, this episode offers compassionate guidance on using the love languages in healthy, non-manipulative ways that build trust instead of pressure. We also talk about what it means to be a truly good listener, how to express unmet needs with grace, and when to share versus simply hear. Finally, Dr. Chapman introduces The 5 Love Languages® Premium Assessment and how it helps couples grow in understanding and connection.

457 - How to Guard Against Sexism and Abuse in Christian Communities w/ Dr. Andrew Bauman 07.04.2026 1h 1min

In this episode of the Pure Desire Podcast, Dr. Andrew Bauman joins us to discuss why the church so often becomes an unsafe place for survivors of sexual betrayal. Drawing from his work as a licensed mental health counselor and his research with more than 2,800 women, Dr. Bauman shares what led him—from pastoral ministry into clinical practice—to expose the systemic sexism and abuse he documents in Safe Church. We explore how misogyny disguised as theology retraumatizes betrayed women, how men’s recovery spaces can drift toward self-protection rather than true repair, and why meaningful repentance must be victim-centered. Dr. Bauman unpacks distorted interpretations of power, forgiveness, and the biblical term Ezer, and offers practical “green flags” for identifying church communities that genuinely support healing, equality, and spiritual safety for both men and women in recovery.

456 - When Hurting People Come To Church w/ Drs. Shaunti Feldhahn & James Sells 31.03.2026 1h 3min

In today’s episode, we explore the heart behind the book, When Hurting People Come to Church, and the growing mental health crisis impacting families, churches, and communities—including those navigating sexual addiction and betrayal trauma. Our guests, Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. James Sells, explain why so many people struggle to find timely help and how the Church is uniquely positioned to respond. Rather than serving only as a referral source, churches can become places of relational care, where ordinary people learn to love well without needing professional credentials. You’ll hear practical ways to support others without burning out, along with an introduction to the CARE strategy and The Church Cares, a movement equipping congregations to walk with hurting people. You’ll discover a hopeful vision of compassionate, community-based care.

455 - How Desires Can Discover Unhealed Wounds w/ Jay Stringer 24.03.2026 1h 7min

In this episode of the Pure Desire Podcast, we explore a radically different way of understanding desire in recovery, betrayal, and marriage. Rather than treating desire as the enemy, our guest, Jay Stringer, invites us to see unwanted behaviors as signposts pointing to deeper wounds and unmet longings. Drawing from Jay’s research with over 4,000 people, we discuss how fear-based restriction, shame-driven purity culture, and the pursuit of intensity often fuel addiction and emotional disconnection. We unpack how curiosity, compassion, and wholeness can help individuals move out of relapse cycles and support relational repair after betrayal. For betrayed partners, we address how desire can go dormant—and how it can be reclaimed safely. We conclude by envisioning what “connected desire” looks like beyond crisis and where listeners can learn more in Jay’s new book, Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow.

454 - The Persistent Message of Shame w/ Dr. Jake Porter 17.03.2026 1h

In today’s episode, we’re joined by Dr. Jake Porter to explore the pervasive and often misunderstood role of shame in recovery. We begin by defining shame and examining why understanding its messages is crucial for lasting growth. Even after significant recovery, shame can persist—like background noise—resurfacing when we least expect it, especially when confronting the pain we’ve caused others. We discuss strategies for recognizing and responding to shame, including how to navigate triggers from loved ones, childhood experiences, or the fear of rejection. Listeners will learn practical ways to continue healing long after the initial addictive behaviors have changed, and how to support others in processing their own shame without amplifying it. This conversation highlights the importance of awareness, empathy, and self-compassion, showing that recovery isn’t just about behavior—it’s about transforming the internal narratives that drive it. By leaning into this work, we create space for deeper freedom, connection, and emotional resilience.

453 - The Danger of Controlling Our Life by Controlling Other People 10.03.2026 1h 4min

In this episode, Debby Flanagan dives into a common but often overlooked challenge in recovery: trying to control life by controlling other people. We explore how this pattern can undermine relationships, fuel relapse, and distract from personal growth. Debby outlines telltale signs that someone may be exerting control and offers strategies for self-reflection to recognize if we are doing the same. For spouses or family members, we discuss clear boundary language and how to set limits that protect your health while maintaining empathy. We also explore the freedom—and fear—that comes with allowing others to make their own choices, and how recovering addicts can focus on their own healing instead of trying to manage everyone else. Debby shares guidance on repairing harm caused by controlling behaviors, from sincere apologies to meaningful amends, and offers practical ways to cultivate personal safety, security, and relational integrity in long-term recovery.

452 - Not Taking Full Responsibility for Wounding Those We Love 03.03.2026 1h 1min

In this episode, we explore what it truly means to take full responsibility for the damage caused by addiction—and why minimizing, deflecting, or excusing that harm often keeps relapse close at hand. Joined by Eileen Fagan, we identify subtle signs of incomplete ownership, from defensiveness and justification to shifting focus onto the wounded spouse’s reactions. We also discuss why acknowledging pain we’ve caused is so difficult, even for those well into recovery, and how loved ones or group members can gently guide someone toward honest self-awareness without shaming or controlling. On the hopeful side, we paint a picture of what real ownership looks like: humility, empathy, repair-focused action, and a willingness to validate pain without arguing with it. We talk about how to avoid the trap of comparison when both partners carry wounds, and how to accept responsibility without spiraling into self-contempt. Ultimately, healthy ownership becomes a lifelong posture—not self-punishment, but a steady commitment to relational repair and integrity.

451 - Believing Sexual Addiction is Just About Sex 24.02.2026 56min

In today’s episode, we confront one of the most deceptive assumptions in the recovery world: the belief that sexual addiction is “just about sex.” With guest Robert Vander Meer, we unpack how this false narrative minimizes the emotional, relational, and neurological drivers beneath the behavior, making relapse far more likely because the real wounds go unaddressed. We identify common signs of this mindset—statements like “I just need more willpower” or “at least I’ve never crossed physical lines”—and explore how even those engaging only with pornography, fantasy, or lust can still be caught in the same trap. We also offer guidance for spouses and group members who recognize this belief in others and want to speak truth without shaming, rescuing, or lecturing. Together, we name why sexual addiction is fundamentally about pain, attachment, coping, and disconnection—not merely sexual acts. Finally, we discuss subtle ways this belief can linger even in long-term sobriety and how to continue growing in honesty, humility, and emotional freedom.

450 - Pursuing Health with Less Passion Than We Pursued the Addiction 17.02.2026 1h 6min

In this episode, Harry Flanagan joins us to unpack a subtle but critical danger in the recovery process: pursuing healing with less passion than we once pursued addiction. He explains how this mindset can quietly fuel relapse patterns, create emotional complacency, and leave individuals feeling stuck even while “doing the right things.” Harry also addresses why some people struggle to engage fully in recovery and what they might be missing when transformation begins to feel routine instead of urgent. We discuss the FASTER Scale and how overconfidence—one of the earliest signs of slipping—can disguise itself as stability while actually signaling vulnerability. Harry offers practical steps for rekindling commitment when motivation fades, and guidance for spouses who fear their partner isn’t taking recovery seriously. We’ll also explore how to support group members without slipping into fixing or rescuing, and the key behaviors to look for when someone is genuinely invested in long-term healing. He closes with encouraging, grounded advice for anyone feeling their passion for recovery growing dim.